To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Must be. For my friends "let's meet at X bar for Y's birthday" means just that. And everyone expects to turn up, enjoy seeing each other, have fun and catch up. Not expect to be given stuff.

Where do people draw this invisible line between organising and hosting? Last month our friends who emigrated years ago were back for their annual visit. They booked a big table in the village where one set of their parents live and asked 12 of us (3 other couples with 2 DC each) to join them for lunch. According to some this meant they had invited us so we're hosting and we should have expected them to buy us lunch.

I think to do a party like this you have to provide some food and/ or drinks. On my 40th I reserved an area and paid for a nice buffet for everyone.
I don’t think you can have the party as well as the other stuff if you don’t want to pay for anything.

Just to add - I think “let’s meet up at X bar, I’ve reserved an area” is different to “you’re invited to Y’s party”.

I'd find it utterly bizarre to be invited to a 'space' in London and arrive to find we were all hanging around with no food or drinks, to be honest.

What are people supposed to do? Turn up, say, 'Hi. Happy Birthday,' and then make awkward conversation in somewhere you describe as 'smart' and 'pricey'.

it's just a weird thing to do. You can't organise a 40th do if you've got no money, basically. If you are hosting a 'do' it will cost you. If you can't afford it, don't do it.

It would be cheaper to hire a function room in your local pub & ask them to cater a basic party buffet tbh.

If you are booking an area i would presume that it at least came with a drink on arrival and potential nibbles (crisps and nuts) I would not expect food if it starts at 8pm or later but if earlier then there is an expectation of food

Totally get it, if you ask they might do deals packages (x bottles of wine and x beers or x spirit, x mixer, x beer on the table - most places in Scotland do this anyway) I know it won’t suit all guests but to suit everyone you need bottomless pockets x

I think you need to provide a couple of drinks each and maybe canapés or a few buffet type items tbh from what you’ve described.

No she's not mean.

It's a bar. You just buy a drink like you would in any bar. Why would that be awkward?

Exactly

Personally I think it's a bit cheeky as will they bring gifts for him? Why don't you just call them personally and say what you've told us. The implication otherwise is that you might provide something.
I will likely get jumped on but if you can't afford to throw a party it's fine, do not phrase it like you're inviting them to a 40th party.

I think it’s a generational thing. My parents would expect food, I (and everyone else I know/socialise with in our early 30s) would not.

An invite to a bar to me means going out for a drink to celebrate a birthday - people will probably buy the birthday boy a drink but otherwise will get their own/do their own rounds. If I was going to drinks in the evening I’d eat something before I went, other people might order something while they’re there. Just because you’ve booked an area it doesn’t mean you’re hosting a party, just that you’ve been organised and are making sure there’s space for everyone to stand/sit together!

I think some of the responses are unfair. OP, just make sure you word it as “we’ll be at X on this date if you’d like to come for a drink to celebrate” rather than anything more formal and don’t feel bad for not having the money to cater to everyone all night.

Sorry if already mentioned. Have you checked if the venue can only provide food? I threw a 40th and the venue wouldn’t allow us to bring our own platters, we had to pick from their menu. Such a pain as I could have saved a fortune!

I did not pay for drinks.

But you want the glory of hosting a party without literally any cost to yourself! Honestly, you sound cheap and a bit shallow. All about the look of hosting something but not on actually providing a good time for your ‘guests’.

If this were me I’d just say casually that we are going to X pub/bar and if you fancy joining us that’d be great. I’d not reserve an area …. as a reserved area with no drinks or food at all seems odd.

Or, if I wanted to do food, I’d just invite a few people for drinks and nibbles at home.

I agree with pp if it's a pricey venue in London, find somewhere cheaper. But honestly? If you're broke, don't do it.

Amongst my friends it’s fine to invite people out for a meal or drinks to celebrate a birthday without paying for everyone, including with some of us travelling between cities to do so. But I think it’s a bit different to do that somewhere pricey, as then on top of travel you’re putting significant costs onto others.

Why not opt for a cheaper venue, everyone will thank you if they are paying for their own drinks!

You've described exactly what I meant by 'what's the point'. To make an effort to go somewhere, in the evening, no food or one drink provided. Utterly bizarre.

OP @IVFendomum
It's weird, whether you want to accept that or not. You know it's weird otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here.

Gifts are irrelevant
Wouldn't you take a gift if you were meeting up at the Nag's Head or the local social club? Or do you only take a gift if it's a swanky bar?

I haven’t read it as OP wants the “glory of hosting a party”, just said she’s invited some friends for a drink! If she wanted to host a party she’d have… hosted a party.

Bloody hell OP, I think you’re getting an unfair pasting here! You said you were organising drinks, not organising a party! I think what you have proposed is absolutely fine and not remotely mean.

I dont see a huge issue. My sister recently celebrated 50 but reserving a section in a bar. The time to meet was after “dinner” time and there was no food. I think she may have worded it to explain it was more “join us for a drink” than “party”

i don’t think I’ve ever been to a birthday celebration and expected those hosting to provide my drinks? In fact usually the opposite! The only place I’ve really seen that is at open bar weddings!

as long as you let people know, its fine!