Page 9 | Not allowed on Boys trip

JHound · 07/10/2024 14:16

suspiciousqueen · 17/09/2024 18:20

I posted a while back of problems between my DH and I...we've ironed out so many things to make us work and so far so good. I genuinely thought it was over between us.

One of the things we compromised on was he has a set of friends around 10 of them and whenever they go on lads trips around 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat and will sleep with other women when abroad. It's horrible but normalised in their group.
So for me it was important my DH never go on these trips with this friendship group as I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together' and my DH was fine with never going abroad with them as to him it's important that we are back to where we used to be. Obviously I'm over the moon he's agreed to this. But just a few days ago we all went out as couples and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..it got to the point where they kept on asking that I nearly told them that I know they make a point of sleeping with other women when on hols! But I just stuck to saying that I'm not comfortable in DH going...
I've got no idea if im doing the right thing in not letting him go. I trust him but can you trust a man enough to go on a lads holiday where cheating is the norm???
So aibu in stopping my DH from going on a lads trip?

I would question why my partner wanted to even go on a trip like that. All the men involved sound disgusting tbh.

JHound · 07/10/2024 14:17

Fountofwisdom · 24/09/2024 01:01

Since when was it normal for a bunch of fully grown, married men (or women) to regularly go away on holiday in a group of friends, without their partners? I find that really odd. Yes, an occasional stag/hen do, but this sounds like a regular event for your DH and his mates. You all sound like you need to grow up, you’re not a bunch of carefree teenagers any more.

I think it’s fairly normal but only once a year or so. My friend makes sure to do at least one holiday just her and her sister once a year and she is married with a son.

JHound · 07/10/2024 14:19

Fountofwisdom · 24/09/2024 08:13

That’s completely different for older people who are at a different point in life. Weekends away with a close friend or two for companionship fine, especially if you’re all single. But regular big group holidays with a crowd of mates when you’re all married/partnered is weird. Most married couples want to go on holiday together, not still pretend they are single 20-somethings, living it large in Ibiza with their mates.

Show quote history

You can be married and still go on holiday with friends. It’s not either or. I went to Ibiza last year with 7 people. 6 are married, 1 is not (me) and none of the spouses / partners were there. They also go away with their spouses and kids too. My youngest brother always has a trip away from his wife and kids once a year with close mates and his wife does the same.

It’s fine to still maintain friendships even when married. Why is it ok for older people but not younger?

JHound · 07/10/2024 14:24

Mickey79 · 24/09/2024 14:39

I’d love to be living it large in Ibiza with my mates but too old now im in my 40’s. Although David Guetta is mid 50’s so if he can do it ……….

I think you can party in Ibiza at any age. I am in my 40s and was there last year and plan to go next year too!

JHound · 07/10/2024 14:26

Fountofwisdom · 24/09/2024 15:12

When you say ‘once in a while’, I wouldn’t find it weird if it was a couple of male friends going for a golf/fishing/football weekend or a few female friends going for a spa weekend, but what the OP (and others) was describing is a regular big group holiday of partying, presumably for a week minimum. I find that weird for people who have partners, possibly children and other responsibilities. I don’t know anyone in my social, family or work circles who do that.

Show quote history

Why can people with responsibilities for for “spa breaks” but not “partying breaks”?

This is akin to people who find it odd people go clubbing past the age of 30!

Rumors1 · 07/10/2024 14:47

I would be seriously questioning my DH if that who he wanted to hang out with.

bombastix · 07/10/2024 14:52

I’m with the ones who say boys trips when married is weird, and you are not unreasonable OP.

Presumably the group has got stale, they need some new blood and your DH with the tough arse wife at home will add an extra spicy dimension to the banter as they try and persuade him to cheat on you.

These men are total sleaze balls and you are not wrong.

JHound · 07/10/2024 15:00

EI12 · 22/09/2024 07:42

In normal relationships spouses don't go on separate holidays. You are supposed to travel together, unless it is a work trip. Why marry if one clearly wants to spend holidays with your mates? This is not a mature approach to marriage

This is a real No True Scotsman approach.

It would be weird if they ONLY wanted to go away with mates but it’s absolutely fine for married couples to have friends and a support network outside of the marriage. And those relationships also need to be nurtured.

Original poster

suspiciousqueen · 07/10/2024 15:01

The sickening part is that one of them is a doctor, GP to be exact and he's the one who's failed miserably to persuade my DH to go on this trip.
I don't trust him at all, he posts patient information on the WhatsApp group chat and I'm seriously considering reporting him.

OP posts:

JHound · 07/10/2024 15:06

suspiciousqueen · 07/10/2024 15:01

The sickening part is that one of them is a doctor, GP to be exact and he's the one who's failed miserably to persuade my DH to go on this trip.
I don't trust him at all, he posts patient information on the WhatsApp group chat and I'm seriously considering reporting him.

Please please report him. I mean this seriously this is a gross breach of his ethical duty as a doctor - if you could get evidence (as hospital and health trusts tend to protect their own).

He needs to be struck off. Why is your husband friends with these people? It says a lot about him too.

JHound · 07/10/2024 15:07

Idontjetwashthefucker · 22/09/2024 08:18

I go on holiday with my friends and I go on holiday with my partner, this is what most normal people do and how normal relationships works in my circle.

But you're just being goady, as you are on most threads you post on and are best ignored

Show quote history

I should have read your post before responding. I shall follow suit!

JHound · 07/10/2024 15:13

CuttySarcasm · 22/09/2024 08:50

Some people on this thread have never worked with big groups of men who go abroad a lot! Women have no idea how 'nice' men get dragged into this behaviour, it starts with strippers, then paying more for stuff strippers wouldn't do here, then a blow job, then sex... I've seen it happen time and time again. Nice, professional family men. You see it on here with sex workers on AMA, the men they see are from all walks of society, people you 'wouldn't think would cheat'.

It's shocking to see (at first). The people saying 'you should just let him go' are naive to how bad it gets. There way more men cheating than women realise.

My DH knows about all of this, and simply wouldn't want to associate with it, it's not his bag. Why would you want to go away with a load of men who are off shagging strippers, how dull, what are you meant to do? Sit in the bar with your orange juice and wait?

I think there are two different topics: holidaying with friends and holidaying with men who cheat. Going away with friends is not an issues. Associating with men like this, is.

That would be my bigger issue. It speaks to his character.

JHound · 07/10/2024 15:15

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 22/09/2024 11:56

I also don't get all the pearl clutching on this thread about men daring to have mates who cheat. My DH isn't defined by his friends. They're people he's known for years and had lots of experiences with. I'd never ask him to ditch his friends because of poor decision making on an issue like this. People are more complex than cheating=bad person.

I don’t see how somebody can be a deceitful person who is a good person.

JHound · 07/10/2024 15:17

Piper194 · 23/09/2024 17:46

I’m in a very similar situation to you OP.
but the time hasn’t come for him to approach the subject of going away again.
The last night out my husband went on two of his mates cheated.
the last stag he went on my husband openly admitted to trying to set a friend in a relationship up to cheat and took a girls number to orchestrate this.
I posted on here with a similar thread here and was torn apart by some people who said things like you shouldn’t be with someone you don’t trust etc. easy to say when you have a giant mortgage and 3 children but hey!
I’m actually dreading the day he goes away with them next - they are vile

Show quote history

Your husband was setting up a friend to cheat so sounds pretty vile too imo.

Piper194 · 07/10/2024 15:22

JHound · 07/10/2024 15:17

Your husband was setting up a friend to cheat so sounds pretty vile too imo.

Show quote history

I agree. I’ve just had a baby. I still
cant get my head around his behaviour

HollaHolla · 07/10/2024 15:27

I'd say the bottom line is whether HE wants to go. Blaming it on you saying 'no' is a bit of a weaselly way out of it. He's an adult, and needs to behave like one.
I can see you're now saying he's decided not to go, but sounds like it wouldn't be a bad idea for him to distance himself from this group anyway.

The GP sharing patient information is a separate issue, and should be reported to the GMC. Take screenshots of the evidence first though, as messages can be deleted on Whatsapp.

JHound · 07/10/2024 15:30

Piper194 · 07/10/2024 15:22

I agree. I’ve just had a baby. I still
cant get my head around his behaviour

Show quote history

Unfortunately the reaction options here are limited but please accept hugs.

I hope it works out for you.

Some husbands are vile. The stories I have about married men hitting on me…some in the vicinity of their wives! And helping a friend is just….😤😡

altmember · 07/10/2024 15:50

Well, either you trust him or you don't? Cheaters gonna cheat, holiday or at home. Presume he's the one telling you what his mates get up to on their lads holidays? I've no idea if that's him trying to deflect from his own cheating along with them, or if he's so honest that he feels he can tell you. I mean, he didn't have to say anything, and then you'd be non the wiser to his mate's behaviour or have any concerns about him holidaying with them.

But it sounds a pretty fucked up situation that you are socialising as couples with their poor partners, while you know the truth and presumably they don't. I don't think I'd be able to bite my tongue in that situation, especially when the cheating lads are trying to bully you in to 'letting' your dh go away with them.

I think your dh should find himself some better friends.