Not allowed on Boys trip

[suspiciousqueen]

I posted a while back of problems between my DH and I...we've ironed out so many things to make us work and so far so good. I genuinely thought it was over between us.

One of the things we compromised on was he has a set of friends around 10 of them and whenever they go on lads trips around 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat and will sleep with other women when abroad. It's horrible but normalised in their group.
So for me it was important my DH never go on these trips with this friendship group as I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together' and my DH was fine with never going abroad with them as to him it's important that we are back to where we used to be. Obviously I'm over the moon he's agreed to this. But just a few days ago we all went out as couples and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..it got to the point where they kept on asking that I nearly told them that I know they make a point of sleeping with other women when on hols! But I just stuck to saying that I'm not comfortable in DH going...
I've got no idea if im doing the right thing in not letting him go. I trust him but can you trust a man enough to go on a lads holiday where cheating is the norm???
So aibu in stopping my DH from going on a lads trip?

Since when was it normal for a bunch of fully grown, married men (or women) to regularly go away on holiday in a group of friends, without their partners? I find that really odd. Yes, an occasional stag/hen do, but this sounds like a regular event for your DH and his mates. You all sound like you need to grow up, you’re not a bunch of carefree teenagers any more.

Yes. Everyone knows friendships are so passe. Only the immature spend time with their friends.

Hmmm except my mom did girls weekends. She's 75 and still does " girls weekends". I don't think she's immature I think she's fun.

I hope my friends and I are still going away for weekends together when we're that age.

He could catch something and give it to you on return.
Climidia (sic) is awful for women and our fertility.

Has your dh cheated in the past?
I wouldn’t like being told I’m not allowed to do something based on someone else’s actions. It would also feel like my dp was viewing me as a weak person who could be led astray like some kind of teenager.

That’s completely different for older people who are at a different point in life. Weekends away with a close friend or two for companionship fine, especially if you’re all single. But regular big group holidays with a crowd of mates when you’re all married/partnered is weird. Most married couples want to go on holiday together, not still pretend they are single 20-somethings, living it large in Ibiza with their mates.

I dont get all this separate breaks away lark.

I honestly don't know why anyone with morales, would want to be friends with a group of people who think cheating on their partners is OK. Let alone go on holiday with them! I would be concerned about it too, pack mentality comes to mind!

In what sense is it weird? Every coupled-up person I know goes away on holiday with friends once in a while, without their partner.

It's not Club 18-30 or raving in Ibiza - other holidays are available!

I’d love to be living it large in Ibiza with my mates but too old now im in my 40’s. Although David Guetta is mid 50’s so if he can do it ……….

Why are they asking you if he can go, he's not a child, has he told them you don't want him to go which he agreed to. They all sound like a bunch of idiots, oh please can he come, mummy, pleeeeeease

When you say ‘once in a while’, I wouldn’t find it weird if it was a couple of male friends going for a golf/fishing/football weekend or a few female friends going for a spa weekend, but what the OP (and others) was describing is a regular big group holiday of partying, presumably for a week minimum. I find that weird for people who have partners, possibly children and other responsibilities. I don’t know anyone in my social, family or work circles who do that.

I think it's been said, but this all sounds very controlling. You can't make someone do something or not as they will come to resent you. He is his own person and he will do what he wants. If he loves and respects you he won't cheat. If he doesn't and he wants to cheat he will - and I would suggest he won't wait for a lads weekend to do this. I would worry about his resenting you for not 'letting' him go.

I haven’t read any other comments but I think YABU. I don’t know what issues you had in the past, if it’s cheating well maybe I can see why you feel that way.

But without knowing the context I think you are being unreasonable. I’d probably judge DH a bit for being friends with cheats due to moral reasons but I’d never stop him going away with friends. If others want to cheat that’s on them to be that way, I trust my DH enough to know he wouldn’t do that to me. Stopping your DH going is controlling and honestly if you can’t trust him to go away then why the hell are you with him?

100% agree, I don't hold back these days - OP let them know you know what they get up to

Do it - I'm 46 and had a rejuvenation, staying out all night after spending a long time raising kids and staying home

It’s weird he wants to go on a lads holiday when he’s married with his other married friends who will be shagging other women. If it was a lads holiday and they just went out and had fun etc without cheating then totally, but the fact he wants to go.. makes me think he enjoys doing it too!!

Tell that to p diddy

its not all of them who do it and as i said upthread, they may not be all his friends. Its possible that some are friends of friends or work colleagues.

Well said, why would you want to be with a guy with friends like that? It’s easy to see what’s going on here: he knows his friends are nagging you, they’re all in on it.

Why would a decent bloke actually want to go on a holiday where cheating is the norm?!

💯👍

I wouldn't trust a man who kept company with such friends.

This. No one ever remained faithful, by their partner telling them where they can/cannot go, and who they can have as friends. 🤷‍♀️

Well the trip is booked and DH isn't going! He's fine with it and apologised for leaving me at party to fend off his pervy friends.

His friends as far as I know only cheat on their wives when they go abroad, sad as it is but knowing this I can't fully be friends with their wives knowing this as I will then have to tell them!

I would question why my partner wanted to even go on a trip like that. All the men involved sound disgusting tbh.