Not allowed on Boys trip

[suspiciousqueen]

I posted a while back of problems between my DH and I...we've ironed out so many things to make us work and so far so good. I genuinely thought it was over between us.

One of the things we compromised on was he has a set of friends around 10 of them and whenever they go on lads trips around 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat and will sleep with other women when abroad. It's horrible but normalised in their group.
So for me it was important my DH never go on these trips with this friendship group as I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together' and my DH was fine with never going abroad with them as to him it's important that we are back to where we used to be. Obviously I'm over the moon he's agreed to this. But just a few days ago we all went out as couples and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..it got to the point where they kept on asking that I nearly told them that I know they make a point of sleeping with other women when on hols! But I just stuck to saying that I'm not comfortable in DH going...
I've got no idea if im doing the right thing in not letting him go. I trust him but can you trust a man enough to go on a lads holiday where cheating is the norm???
So aibu in stopping my DH from going on a lads trip?

I would have said why… fuck them

Oh Rubbish!
You can love and trust someone without living in their pocket.

I go on holiday with my friends and I go on holiday with my partner, this is what most normal people do and how normal relationships works in my circle.

But you're just being goady, as you are on most threads you post on and are best ignored

Who says friendships are maintained by going away from your spouse with your friends? My best friends are through my profession now. We support and help each other, we literally save each other's skins, but that does not include relaxing in the sun or sightseeing.

For working women with one holiday a year this holiday is so precious, that to waste it on friends like we did in our 20s, because our whole life stretched in front of us, and time was limitless? Stupid behaviour is pardonable in one's 20s, but when married spouses prioritise mates over their oh, and then post on MN 'oh, we grew apart', oh, he had an affair when he went on holiday' - this is madness.

There is a time to scatter - your 20s and a time to gather - in your married life. Everything is good when it is done in its intended time - like mates' holidays in your 20s. When you marry for real, your priorities shift. Or at least, they should shift.

And if only we called a spade a spade - a holiday in your 30s with your mates is not a holiday with my 'girlfriends', because you are not girls. It is a holiday with middle-aged women.

This is veering off topic now but I find this mindset bizarre.

I can love my spouse and also want to spend time with my friends without that choice reflecting on my strength of feeling for him. It’s important to cultivate and maintain relationships outside of a marriage which for me includes prioritising time with friends.

Nah sorry I couldn't deal with a man who's commited to me going away for days on end with twats who repeatedly cheat on their partners. That's just vile and not normal. If he thinks it's controlling then fine. There's the door. He's free to go and live as if he's on a permanent club 18-30 holiday. However if he wants a commited, adult relationship then this is the kindof thing he just can't do any more and I'd be seriously questioning why he wants to

I remember a friend many years ago telling me about a stag where many of the blokes went off with prostitutes and other women in clubs. I was shocked by a few I knew, and reassured by a few who didn't join in. Next stag do, J "couldn't make it unfortunately". He was even single both times, just really not his vibe and he was upset for the partners. Funnily enough, another one who didn't join in was "busy" that weekend too.

I would trust DH, except that I know he simply wouldn't want to go if that was the "fun" plan, because it isn't what he would want to do.

If someone wants to cheat they don't need a boys trip to do it.

If my DH was friends with people like this it would make me see him differently. I think you can judge people by the company they keep.

Yet if it was a man saying "I've told her she isn't allowed to go"

Everyone would be screaming LTB he's a controlling abuser!

Having worked with men for many years, once the main bulk start cheating, the rest follow, even the 'nice' ones. I've seen people cheat when out of the country that you would NEVER suspect. So I'm with the Op on this one, the 'culture' amongst his friends is dangerous, it normalises cheating to a point where they convince themselves everyone does it, and they're entitled to it.

Yes this. My DH would a) not want to go on a trip where his friends were cheating on their partners and b) certainly would not set me up as the fall-guy to take the blame for his absence.

If you don't trust your DH not to cheat when away on one of these holidays then the relationship is dead.

Banning him from something doesn't change that, because if he is likely to cheat then he'll find a way no matter where he is.

My DH has a large group of friends, some of them make very questionable choices and things that both DH and I don't agree with.
He will happily socialise with them but as soon as they do things he doesn't agree with he either leaves, tries to stop them or tells them really firmly that he doesn't agree with them.

The fact your DHs mates are asking you for permission shows that your DH has told them you've banned him from coming, which implies he doesn't agree with the ban and would like to go. This on its own will kill the relationship. You can't stop a grown adult from doing something without there being repercussions.

1. If he is going to cheat he will do it regardless of where he is (holiday or not).

1. If he has those sorts of friends it is a direct reflection on him and his character.

You are the company you keep.

1. He shouldn't be putting you in that position with his friends, making you like the "mean mum".

Life is not unlimited in length - how can a spouse possibly want to take time away from the other spouse

As somebody who has been with my DH for over 25 years - this is not a healthy attitude. Of course it is ok to want to take time away from your spouse, especially if you have different interests.

I take DS skiing every year, and go on walking holidays with DM. DH isn’t interested in skiing or hiking so doesn’t come. If DS or DM weren’t around, I would go by myself (and indeed did many solo ski trips before DS was born). DH somehow manages to cope with a few days away from me.

Why are you ignoring the fact that this time with friends includes cheating on their partners, as if it were the same as a curry night? Of course people want to see their friends. Seeing friends is not the issue here - spending protracted amounts of time and money away from home with friends who regularly and intentionally cheat on their spouses is

I've not read the whole thread OP but I've read your post and also looked at the other threads you started about your relationship : his history of inappropriate behaviour with women and you retaliating by flirting with his friends. So it doesn't particularly sound like a trusting loving marriage.

I think if it's a mutual agreement that he doesn't go on trips with these friends then that's fine. But you telling him he can't go is a different matter. You don't have the right to tell him what to do and not do.
It sounds as though he has been talking to his pals behind your back : telling them he can't go because you " won't let him" . And he has probably encouraged then to try and embarrass you into saying yes he can go on trips with them. He obviously wants to go.
Personally I would assume, especially given his past behaviour, he is as bad as his friends . And if he does go away with them his behaviour as regards cheating will be just like theirs.
Having said that I don't think your marriage has much chance given there is really no trust there. And you are justified in not trusting him, even if I don't agree with you " telling " him what he can and can't do.

How can you and your DH be around these couples knowing the men cheat? My DH would never be with men like that and certainly never expect me to be.

This makes no sense at all. He probably told OP as he was having a conversation about something that made him feel uncomfortable. Not everything everyone says is manipulative.

Actually if he wanted to cheat it makes no sense to tell on others.

Some people on this thread have never worked with big groups of men who go abroad a lot! Women have no idea how 'nice' men get dragged into this behaviour, it starts with strippers, then paying more for stuff strippers wouldn't do here, then a blow job, then sex... I've seen it happen time and time again. Nice, professional family men. You see it on here with sex workers on AMA, the men they see are from all walks of society, people you 'wouldn't think would cheat'.

It's shocking to see (at first). The people saying 'you should just let him go' are naive to how bad it gets. There way more men cheating than women realise.

My DH knows about all of this, and simply wouldn't want to associate with it, it's not his bag. Why would you want to go away with a load of men who are off shagging strippers, how dull, what are you meant to do? Sit in the bar with your orange juice and wait?

Idk what the previous issues were but for me personally telling another person what they can/cannot do is controlling. If he has form for cheating himself fair enough but it sounds like he wants to go and you are the one saying no.

Regardless of what his friends do, you either trust him or you don't. I regularly go on a girls trip with 2 friends who are single, but just because they might be on the lookout doesn't mean that I am and dp trusts me entirely.

Being brutal, if he is going to cheat he will, stopping him from going on a lads holiday won't stop that, where there is a will,there is a way

My DH could go on holiday with whoever he wants, because I know he wouldn't cheat on me. So YABU in that sense - the fact that you think stopping him going away would stop him cheating if he wanted to is ridiculous.

His friends sound horrible and I'd question his judgement, but the answer to that is not to dictate who his friends are or what he can do: you can control your actions, not his. If you don't like them being his friends you can say so and he can decide if he wants to remain his friends or not, and then depending on that you can decide your actions, i.e. whether or not to stay with him etc. You don't get to tell a grown man what he can and can't do.

Your DH agreed to this as part of you both working to save your marriage. He needs to own it and deliver on his promise, in order to demonstrate good faith. Instead, he seems happy for his "friends" to put pressure on you, so he can still go on these trips in the future.

I'd be asking myself just how serious he was about all the other things he agreed to with you OP.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about whether he actually wants to go on these trips. It will be quite a litmus test.

It may be that their behaviour makes him uncomfortable too, and "the missus won't let me" is quite convenient for him, and if you don't mind being bad cop then this may suit you both.

If he wants to go, the next question is what is his motivation for that (and does that question your motivation for the entire relationship?).

Thirdly, do his friends' partners know what happens on these boys trips? Your next step in this sort of conversation is whether you want to be responsible for dropping the lot of them in it or not if the partners are there...

His friends obviously think it's the Ops fault he won't go anymore so they're trying to publicly embarrass her. Op, embarrass them back, say out loud exactly why he's not going anymore.