Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed on Boys trip

218 replies

suspiciousqueen · 17/09/2024 18:20

I posted a while back of problems between my DH and I...we've ironed out so many things to make us work and so far so good. I genuinely thought it was over between us.

One of the things we compromised on was he has a set of friends around 10 of them and whenever they go on lads trips around 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat and will sleep with other women when abroad. It's horrible but normalised in their group.
So for me it was important my DH never go on these trips with this friendship group as I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together' and my DH was fine with never going abroad with them as to him it's important that we are back to where we used to be. Obviously I'm over the moon he's agreed to this. But just a few days ago we all went out as couples and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..it got to the point where they kept on asking that I nearly told them that I know they make a point of sleeping with other women when on hols! But I just stuck to saying that I'm not comfortable in DH going...
I've got no idea if im doing the right thing in not letting him go. I trust him but can you trust a man enough to go on a lads holiday where cheating is the norm???
So aibu in stopping my DH from going on a lads trip?

OP posts:
Ezekiela · 22/09/2024 10:32

It's telling that his mates were asking you if he could go. Obviously he has said to them "I'd love to come but suspiciousqueen won't let me." You should reply "It's up to him" and make him own his decision.

I wouldn't be happy with him going, but I would want him to decide that for himself. If he tells you that he is happy not to go then he should tell his mates that, too.

BarbedButterfly · 22/09/2024 10:34

Maybe it is just me but I would have said that. I wouldn't let my friends be cheated on and not know about it.

ManchesterLu · 22/09/2024 10:36

missmollygreen · 17/09/2024 18:25

This sounds pretty controlling OP....

You either trust him or you dont?
If you trust him he should go.
If you dont.... well the holiday is not the real problem

Yeah, this. If you find yourself not able to trust him going away, then there are bigger issues.

warmduvetnights · 22/09/2024 10:37

armadillio · 17/09/2024 18:30

This is truly disgusting. If a man had posted that his wife goes on holidays with 10 women and that 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat on their husbands, the OP would be told his wife is hanging around with sluts.

I would not be with a man who thinks this half of the group shagging and cheating on their wives is normal.

Jesus fucking Christ, I wouldn’t as I don’t use language like that about women.

WonderingWanda · 22/09/2024 10:37

I don't think you should be policing his social life. You should trust him or not. The fact that you won't let him go suggests you don't. My dh has a group of friends and many of them take lots of drugs. Dh doesn't and never has but they share a love of music. I wouldn't want to be with someone who took lots of drugs but I don't stop dh from going clubbing with them because I know who he is.

LaineyCee · 22/09/2024 10:38

ThisHangryPinkBalonz · 17/09/2024 18:25

Maybe because people like to go away with their friends?

Show quote history

Decent people don’t want to go away with people whose holiday entertainment is cheating on their long-term partners. It’s despicable. Never mind going on holiday with such people, I’d be troubled by a man who is friends with such low-life misogynists.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/09/2024 10:38

Calmafter · 22/09/2024 08:03

i couldn’t be with someone where the only thing stopping him from sleeping with someone else was a ban on him going on a holiday.

I couldn't be with someone where the only thing stopping me from gong on holiday them banning me on going away

SummerFade · 22/09/2024 10:39

You both need some new friends as it sounds like your DH has finally grown up but his mates are still immature twats.

Mumof3confused · 22/09/2024 10:39

I’d be more worried about the types of friends he chooses to surround himself with. They sound awful.

5128gap · 22/09/2024 10:44

Your H has agreed this with you and now needs to own that with his friends. There is no way he should be sitting there like a wet lettuce while his mates try to coerce you. He needs to speak up and tell them HE has decided not to go, not say one thing to you then hide behind your skirts around his mates. Quite honestly if he is so weak and easily influenced, and so desperate to please the boys, I wouldn't rate his chances of staying faithful on the trip very highly. He is a sheep who will follow the herd.

Duchesscheshire · 22/09/2024 10:47

My concern in this scenario is why would your husband tell his 'friends' you won't let him go away with them? Your husband as an adult should not have told them this but just decline the trips because he doesn't want to go. If I was you I would be responding to the group hassling you by saying and laughing...oh why would your friends think I won't let you go ??? The problem is your husband.

Pookerrod · 22/09/2024 10:54

The mistake you’ve made here is making it known to everyone that it’s you preventing him from going.

I’ve had a similar situation. My DH is still good friends with blokes he’s known since he was a boy. They don’t see each other often as everyone is now spread out around the country but they get together to go on holidays in Europe every now and again. A few years ago he came back and he and one of his friends were shocked that a few of them had gone to a brothel one evening. My DH told me all about it when he got home. His other friend who was also uncomfortable with it also told his wife about it. I said I didn’t particularly want him going away with them again and it’s altered my view of them. The other wife said similar. Thing is our DH’s agreed with us.

So now they don’t go on these boys trips any more but neither of them have blamed their wives. They just make excuses re work or family commitments.

Why is your DH putting this all on you? Is it because he still actually wants to go? I wouldn’t like my DH discussing our private agreements with his friends. Where’s the loyalty?

NewFriendlyLadybird · 22/09/2024 10:58

I think there are a couple of things still wrong here.

  1. Your DH is still friends with these guys. Why would he continue to hang around with a group in which cheating is normalised, regardless of whether he intended to cheat himself?
  2. He hasn’t told them himself that he has decided not to go on these holidays. He’s evidently put it all back on you. The idea that they should be asking you to ‘allow’ him to go on holiday is outrageous. Not indicative of equal, respectful relationships on their part. Again, if your DH was worth anything, he would put a stop to it and/or not be friends with them any more.
  3. So I think your DH still has a LOT of work to do to bring himself up to a standard of behaviour where, if I were you, I would want the marriage to continue.
HumptyDumptysWife · 22/09/2024 11:01

As PPs have said, the issue is whether you trust your partner.

However, the most notable issue for me would be a partner who was happy to be in the same friendship group as married men who regularly have sex with other women.

I'd question how he was happy to be with those type of friends.

ItTook9Years · 22/09/2024 11:02

You’re both as bad as each other, based on your other threads.

What’s actually left of this relationship?

Didimum · 22/09/2024 11:05

I wouldn’t be married to someone who associated with people like this, false stop. It tells me all I need to know about their character and it does not reach my standards. For that reason I’d be done.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 22/09/2024 11:08

My DH has two mates in his group of friends who've both got form for cheating. He's been on several trips abroad with them and nights out without me too. Doesn't worry me in the slightest. I trust him.

For me the bigger issue has always been knowing they cheat and feeling like I should tell their wives. Never been particularly close to either wife though so I've stayed out if it. The wife I know/like better is aware anyway. The other wife I can't stand, the feeling is mutual and I doubt she'd believe me anyway.

LizzieVereker · 22/09/2024 11:15

Everything about this is grim - the least of your problems is that you are being controlling (I get why), because your relationship is not based on trust. The fact that within your group grown men are referred to as “boys” and “lads” is ridiculous. The fact that DH’s “friends” are bullying/ lobbying you is even more grim, like they’re naught teenagers and you’re his Mum. The fact that he wants to mix with infantile tossers like this is so unsexy.

Leave, run, emigrate, go on a holiday yourself but whatever you do extricate yourself from this childish cesspit.

Youcantcallacatspider · 22/09/2024 11:16

Choochoo21 · 22/09/2024 09:55

YABVU

I have friends who cheat.
I have one who’s is having an affair with her boss, one whose having an affair with her DH’s half brother and my own Dsis had an affair and ran off with the OM.

I don’t condone any of it but it is separate to my friendship with them and I would still go on trips with them and do things with them.

It doesn’t make me want to cheat (in fact it makes me feel the opposite way).

You can’t tell a grown adult what to do.
You either trust him or you don’t.

There's a line though. Being aware that a friend is cheating, being discrete about it, understanding that this is just one part of their very complex personality and being supportive of them and not being judgemental regardless is one thing and probably in keeping with a morally decent person. Choosing to go on a holiday in which (by the sounds of it) the main objective is to cheat and they're likely also to egg you on to cheat absolutely isn't. This is condoning and trivialising the friend's behaviour and I would expect any partner who's morality alligned with mine to feel uncomfortable enough with it that they made their own decision to set that boundary.

Youcantcallacatspider · 22/09/2024 11:19

OP I'd also say it's really obvious that your 'prince' has tried to use you as a scapegoat here. I'd tell him very clearly that next time this happens you will being 100% blunt and honest with his friends

fortheveryfirsttime · 22/09/2024 11:22

I feel quite torn on this.

Him going on these trips doesn't necessarily mean he's going to cheat. You haven't said if cheating is one of the issues you had previously OP.

If he's going to, he will. He doesn't need a lads holiday for that.

I can understand why you would feel uncomfortable and he's clearly agreed to this but it does feel a little controlling.

Sounds like he needs to be more honest with these mates and take some ownership for that.

Saying all that, what's he like as a person? What are his values? Because it would bother me that he has these types of friends. What are they like usually because they sound like dicks.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 22/09/2024 11:30

So if around 10 of them go and about 5 cheat, that leaves 5 that go and don't cheat. So why the assumption that your Dh is in one category v another?

I would hate that he keeps that company but I think to ask him not to go is controlling. It might help to talk to partners of those who don't cheat and hear their reassurance. People, particularly men I think, can compartmentalise friends, some guys might be great fun for a night out but don't have the same principles. While their friends laugh along and enjoy themselves they are also silently judging but they shrug it off. In that way the values or morals in a lads friendship group can really vary.

As for the guys asking you, I'd tell them like it is, they don't deserve a polite response! The fact that they ask openly knowing it's an issue in your relationship tells you everything you need to know about them.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 22/09/2024 11:35

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who placed restrictions on me because of other people's behaviour.

Either you trust him, or you don't. If you trust him, let him go. If you don't, why on earth are you trying to save this relationship?

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 22/09/2024 11:56

I also don't get all the pearl clutching on this thread about men daring to have mates who cheat. My DH isn't defined by his friends. They're people he's known for years and had lots of experiences with. I'd never ask him to ditch his friends because of poor decision making on an issue like this. People are more complex than cheating=bad person.

Fooodie · 22/09/2024 12:10

I can't understand him wanting to go on holiday with a gang of cheater, unless he also intends cheating. Do the other wives and partners know what goes on when these guys go away? Are they OK with it? How would your husband feel about an all girls holiday? Women are every bit as bad at cheating. Why don't you two go on a couples holiday instead? And then neither of you has to worry about cheating spouses.