Page 2 | Not allowed on Boys trip

suspiciousqueen · 2024-09-17T17:20:43+00:00

I posted a while back of problems between my DH and I...we've ironed out so many things to make us work and so far so good. I genuinely thought it was over between us. One of the things we compromised on was he has a set of friends around 10 of them and whenever they go on lads trips around 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat and will sleep with other women when abroad. It's horrible but normalised in their group. So for me it was important my DH never go on these trips with this friendship group as I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together' and my DH was fine with never going abroad with them as to him it's important that we are back to where we used to be. Obviously I'm over the moon he's agreed to this. But just a few days ago we all went out as couples and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..it got to the point where they kept on asking that I nearly told them that I know they make a point of sleeping with other women when on hols! But I just stuck to saying that I'm not comfortable in DH going... I've got no idea if im doing the right thing in not letting him go. I trust him but can you trust a man enough to go on a lads holiday where cheating is the norm??? So aibu in stopping my DH from going on a lads trip?

LoubeighLough · 17/09/2024 19:05

armadillio · 17/09/2024 18:54

I think people are the company they keep.

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Bullshit. The friend in question is just as much of a friend to me as my DH, often doing things together all of us. I disapprove of his piggish behaviour when it comes to women, but its fuck all to do with me. He's a good friend though. I have girl mates who think nothing of taking someone back on a hen do even though they are married, I wouldnt dream of it. I'm nothing like them, so do one with your sweeping statement.

armadillio · 17/09/2024 19:07

LoubeighLough · 17/09/2024 19:05

Bullshit. The friend in question is just as much of a friend to me as my DH, often doing things together all of us. I disapprove of his piggish behaviour when it comes to women, but its fuck all to do with me. He's a good friend though. I have girl mates who think nothing of taking someone back on a hen do even though they are married, I wouldnt dream of it. I'm nothing like them, so do one with your sweeping statement.

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You all sound as bad as each other.

LoubeighLough · 17/09/2024 19:10

armadillio · 17/09/2024 19:07

You all sound as bad as each other.

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"You all". IVE NEVER CHEATED AND NEVER WOULD! But I have friends, lifelong friends. Are you seriously suggesting I dump my friends because of what some of them choose to do in their private life which has fuck all to do with me?

Jeez you'd never have any friends if you dumped them for everything you disagree with.

Scallopp · 17/09/2024 19:12

armadillio · 17/09/2024 19:07

You all sound as bad as each other.

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So judgemental.

armadillio · 17/09/2024 19:20

None of my friends have cheated on anyone to my knowledge, I would not associate with people who shag around on hen nights and stag dos.

Icedlatteofdreams · 17/09/2024 19:22

LoubeighLough · 17/09/2024 19:05

Bullshit. The friend in question is just as much of a friend to me as my DH, often doing things together all of us. I disapprove of his piggish behaviour when it comes to women, but its fuck all to do with me. He's a good friend though. I have girl mates who think nothing of taking someone back on a hen do even though they are married, I wouldnt dream of it. I'm nothing like them, so do one with your sweeping statement.

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I wouldn't be friends with someone who openly denigrates women in front of me. He's likely to be much worse to the women. I hate the 'well he was nice to me' when people find out about sexual assault, rape and abuse - no these kind of men need to be shamed into behaving in a civilised manner.

Women doing the same are vile and I wouldn't be friends with people like this.

YANBU OP.

armadillio · 17/09/2024 19:29

Icedlatteofdreams · 17/09/2024 19:22

I wouldn't be friends with someone who openly denigrates women in front of me. He's likely to be much worse to the women. I hate the 'well he was nice to me' when people find out about sexual assault, rape and abuse - no these kind of men need to be shamed into behaving in a civilised manner.

Women doing the same are vile and I wouldn't be friends with people like this.

YANBU OP.

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Well said.

pinkdelight · 17/09/2024 19:30

Why isn't HE owning it? "I've decided not to come anymore". Or even that you've made a joint decision.

Sounds like he's palmed it all off as your fault and he's the poor henpecked husband. That's not very grown up.*

But he might well go if he was allowed. As OP doesn't want him to go he's allowed to say that. It's not palming it off, it's the truth.

What I'm surprised by is that OP managed to not explain why she doesn't want him to go. If they were goading me to let him, I'd be sorely tempted to say I don't like it because you shag around out there. See if they really wanna get into with it in front of their DPs!

gannett · 17/09/2024 19:31

I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together'

Then the issue is that your husband's friends are cheats, whether he goes on holiday with them or not.

He could stay at home forever more but his friends - the people he's chosen for his social circle because he likes them and wants to be around them and presumably thinks highly of them - are still cheats.

Thinking that preventing him going on holiday will fix that issue is simultaneously going too far (it's very controlling) and not far enough (the problem you have, which is a reasonable one, is still there).

Why does he enjoy being in a social circle where cheating is normalised? What stand-up qualities do these men have that somehow outweigh the cheating?

armadillio · 17/09/2024 19:33

pinkdelight · 17/09/2024 19:30

Why isn't HE owning it? "I've decided not to come anymore". Or even that you've made a joint decision.

Sounds like he's palmed it all off as your fault and he's the poor henpecked husband. That's not very grown up.*

But he might well go if he was allowed. As OP doesn't want him to go he's allowed to say that. It's not palming it off, it's the truth.

What I'm surprised by is that OP managed to not explain why she doesn't want him to go. If they were goading me to let him, I'd be sorely tempted to say I don't like it because you shag around out there. See if they really wanna get into with it in front of their DPs!

Equally why can’t her DH tell his friends the truth that his wife doesn’t want him to go with them because they cheat on their wives?

Why is the onus on OP to do this?

ISpyNoPlumPie · 17/09/2024 19:34

Yeah I’m in the “the measure of a man is the company he keeps” camp. My DH used to go for weekends away with his friends when he was younger. As we’ve grown up, married, had children, his group of friends really haven’t. Excessive drinking, drug taking. I’ve told my DH I don’t want him to go. And he doesn’t go! He values my opinion more than theirs and ultimately he understands that something that seems fun when you’re 20, is tragic when you’re 40.

If I were you OP I’d absolutely say I’m not happy for him to go. Some may think it controlling, for me, it’s a boundary that helps me to feel secure and trusting. I wouldn’t treat my partner like that (and I wouldn’t keep such shitty company either). I’d also expect him to own it and say he doesn’t want go. Fuck being the nagging wife, this is something you’ve both agreed together. When you’re married, your first allegiance is to each other.

armadillio · 17/09/2024 19:50

ISpyNoPlumPie · 17/09/2024 19:34

Yeah I’m in the “the measure of a man is the company he keeps” camp. My DH used to go for weekends away with his friends when he was younger. As we’ve grown up, married, had children, his group of friends really haven’t. Excessive drinking, drug taking. I’ve told my DH I don’t want him to go. And he doesn’t go! He values my opinion more than theirs and ultimately he understands that something that seems fun when you’re 20, is tragic when you’re 40.

If I were you OP I’d absolutely say I’m not happy for him to go. Some may think it controlling, for me, it’s a boundary that helps me to feel secure and trusting. I wouldn’t treat my partner like that (and I wouldn’t keep such shitty company either). I’d also expect him to own it and say he doesn’t want go. Fuck being the nagging wife, this is something you’ve both agreed together. When you’re married, your first allegiance is to each other.

💯 agree

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 17/09/2024 19:57

I think I’d tell your DH to tell his friends why you don’t want him to go. He needs to spell it out to them that he’s told you that they’ve cheated on their dw/dps and that’s you now don’t want him to go.

I can’t believe they’d ask you to your face while their DPs are in the room if they realised you know about the cheating and that’s why you aren’t happy for him to go.

if they do know why you don’t like it, then if they ask again tell the truth “I don’t like DP going on your lads trips because it’s the norm on those trips for most of you to sleep with other women when you are away. I assume the rest of you all have open relationships, but we don’t so I’m not happy with him going on that sort of trip.”

rainsofcastamere · 17/09/2024 19:59

If your DH has form for being a philanderer then you're absolutely right.

However, you say there's 10 of them that go away and 4-5 cheat? So, over half of them don't. If he hasn't got history for cheating, he can't be held accountable for what his mates do and providing he doesn't stop you from going away with your friends then I'd let him go. You either trust him or you don't.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 17/09/2024 20:00

Forgot to add - I wouldn’t be surprised if once the other men know you’ve been told all about their shagging about, invites for you all to socialise together with their wives and girlfriends will suddenly dry up.

AllHisCaterpillarFriends · 17/09/2024 20:06

I’ve told my DH I don’t want him to go. And he doesn’t go!

Sad.

Fireangels · 17/09/2024 20:23

If he has agreed with you not to go away with this group of men in order to save your marriage, he needs to own it.
So his friends ask him to go away and he says he doesn’t want to/doesn’t have enough annual leave/can’t afford it etc. He should never say it’s because won’t ‘let’ him. You’re not his mother!

VikingsandDragons · 17/09/2024 20:36

As you say 'birds of a feather flock together' - he's picked his flock, he clearly has no issue with their behaviour or morals. You're going to spend your life looking over your shoulder to check on him, but if he wants to cheat he will, lads holiday or not. I'm not sure I could respect someone who chose such scummy friends tbh.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 17/09/2024 20:41

AllHisCaterpillarFriends · 17/09/2024 20:06

I’ve told my DH I don’t want him to go. And he doesn’t go!

Sad.

Yes. He’s incredibly incredibly sad. Poor guy…

Calamitousness · 17/09/2024 20:42

Just get your husband to tell them he doesn’t want to go and it’s his choice. I wouldn’t like that either.
But neither would my DH. He has quietly dropped a friend that told him he was having an affair. He just doesn’t call him back and interacts as little as possible.
That guy is the only one out of all our friends that has cheated. I’m close to all our friends and they are all really happily married for over 20/30 years.

Clementine22 · 17/09/2024 20:49

Were the issues you were previously having related to him cheating? If not then I do think it’s unreasonable to ban him from going away with his friends.

Ultimately if your partner respects you and you have a generally good relationship then you should be able to trust them in any situation. If there’s temptation that comes up in one way or another it’s about how they handle it and their own set of values, provided those are strong enough then he shouldn’t be swayed into inappropriate behaviours.

If his friends are fools that’s on them.

Hatty65 · 17/09/2024 21:04

Well if several of the boys 'kept' asking if he was allowed to go I think I'd have looked them straight in the eyes and said, 'The trouble is, Dave, that I'm told you, Steve and John have all shagged around behind your wife's back every time you go on one of these trips. I'm pretty sure you can see what I don't want DH coming with you.'

They must be pretty thick to try and pressure you in public. I'd have dropped them in it.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 22/09/2024 06:45

I'm imagining a scenario where OP loudly says "I'd rather my husband didn't join you lot on one of your regular shagfests, thanks for not asking again" during the couples meetup 😆

I can't understand how anyone can be friends with people like that. Especially when they also know the cheated-on partners 🫤

Zanatdy · 22/09/2024 06:50

You either trust him or you don’t. Stopping a partner from doing something is controlling, and you are sounding like his mother with his friends begging you.

Zanatdy · 22/09/2024 06:50

You either trust him or you don’t. Stopping a partner from doing something is controlling, and you are sounding like his mother with his friends begging you.