Not allowed on Boys trip

[suspiciousqueen]

I posted a while back of problems between my DH and I...we've ironed out so many things to make us work and so far so good. I genuinely thought it was over between us.

One of the things we compromised on was he has a set of friends around 10 of them and whenever they go on lads trips around 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat and will sleep with other women when abroad. It's horrible but normalised in their group.
So for me it was important my DH never go on these trips with this friendship group as I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together' and my DH was fine with never going abroad with them as to him it's important that we are back to where we used to be. Obviously I'm over the moon he's agreed to this. But just a few days ago we all went out as couples and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..it got to the point where they kept on asking that I nearly told them that I know they make a point of sleeping with other women when on hols! But I just stuck to saying that I'm not comfortable in DH going...
I've got no idea if im doing the right thing in not letting him go. I trust him but can you trust a man enough to go on a lads holiday where cheating is the norm???
So aibu in stopping my DH from going on a lads trip?

He, they and their partners would have heard me saying 'no, because you, you and you are a bad influence because you fuck other women while you're all away together.' And to hell with the consequences.

OP, he wants those adventures for himself.

Gosh! It is not the STRENGTH of the feeling - it is limited time!!!!!!!!! I come home at 8 pm, sometimes I am absent for a week or 2 weeks, working away from the UK. I have one holiday per year. I don't see my dh and dc anywhere near enough - and to prioritise a holiday with friends for me over spending time with my family is madness.

I wonder how many holidays a year do women and men who go on holidays with mates, have? 20? Or just one? What time do they come home? Do they spend enough time with their spouses? Do they know they are guaranteed infinite years go to on holiday with their family? Like, this year - with mates, next year deffo with my family? They are guaranteed money, perfect health, and no visa requirement in the changing political climate? Like they will get exactly what they want, when they want it?

You should just say to his friends that you know a lot of cheating goes on. They probably won’t want him to come once they know he tells you stuff: win win! If they nag you in front of their wives, say that in front of their wives - that’ll keep them busy 😉

Ignore the friends. Your DH has obviously worded it badly to them and now they're treating you as the meanie. Their opinion is not your problem. Talk to your DH again and see what he really thinks.

Why is he telling them you won't let him go when it was a mutual decision? He needs to tell them to back off and stop pressurising you. Also, I doubt you've said he can never go on holiday with his friends ever have you? It's a particular type of holiday with a particular group of friends that makes you feel uncomfortable for now.

A decent man would even WANT to go on a trip with ‘friends’ who considered cheating to be acceptable. I know DH would refuse to have anything to do with that sort of trip.

how can a spouse possibly want to take time away from the other spouse?

Easily, we are still 2 separate persons with separate interests. DH is really into sailing, I am not - so should I spend my holiday doing something I don't want to? Or tell him he is not allowed his sailing week? (we have plenty of holidays together in addition to separate ones)
Do you have no separate hobbies or interests? Is it also not allowed take an hour to go to zumba with friends, when you could be sitting next to your spouse every non-working minute? Life's short, could be hit by a bus tomorrow.
Fair enough if you work in 6 month stints on an oil platform and get to see your spouse a week in between, but that really isn't the case for most people.

As for the OP, I agree there would be absolute outrage if a woman posted that she's not allowed on a girls' trip, because some of her friends cheat.
If OP and her DH have indeed decided together that this is something they want to do to help their marriage - OP's DH must own it and tell people that he doesn't want to go, not to tell friends he is not allowed and can you go ask my wife if I can go - he's not 12.

and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..

Boys? How old are they, 8?

And lads holiday to cheat? They sound like childish idiots all of them.

This is just weird. I’m a working mum, and over the last year I had more than two nights away somewhere about 10 times: including 3 breaks of a week. Two of the big breaks were family breaks, one with just DO, and 4 of the shorter ones were long weekends with friends and without DP (1 with DS, the others just me and friends).

The ones without DP involved mountains, boardgames and a moderate amount of wine or cider. And our relationship is great.

Why would he choose friends who cheat on their wives?

I think what you’re not getting is that people are different and will have different experiences and priorities than you, and that’s ok. You don’t want to go on holiday with friends- that’s fine! Other people do- also fine! Don’t worry about it !

Your husband was given a choice and he made it.
Maybe he should be the one to tell them that.

Or you say to them I'm not stopping him. He can go on your boys' fuck marathon if he wants to but I won't be here when he gets back.

He needs to grow a spine and tell his friends that he isn't joining them on the trips out of respect for you. Simple.

Idiots

You have serious issues underneath this. You are controlling and heavy trust issues. Work of them. I would let my husband go even on a trip with sluts. I trust him.

Seriously odd dynamic for all involved which suggests you have other problems.

The invite was from his friends to him. He is the one who should have answered and whatever the answer his friends should have accepted it.

How do you end up being asked and being the one who answers? It implies they know you are preventing him and see you as the decision maker in the couple. They are openly disrespecting him and you.

The issue for you is not whether you should be telling him what to do. You should want to be with someone whose morality aligns with yours. He either thinks what they do is wrong or not. He needs to determine the boundaries in his friendship group not you.

I couldn’t imagine wanting to go on a girls weekend away with a bunch of my girlfriends who were cheating on their husbands while there. That wouldn’t appeal to me and I wouldn’t want to be friends with them anymore, period. Holiday or not, i couldn’t imagine dh wanting to be friends with a group of guys who he knew were regularly cheating. It’s just not the sort of person he is. He has more integrity than that. It would be the friendships as a whole that I would question, not the holiday.

Does he want to go? At the end of the day he is a grown adult and can control his actions no matter what his friends do. The lack of trust and you controlling his decisions talking about "allowing" him to go will end your relationship faster than a weekend with his friends

YABVU

I have friends who cheat.
I have one who’s is having an affair with her boss, one whose having an affair with her DH’s half brother and my own Dsis had an affair and ran off with the OM.

I don’t condone any of it but it is separate to my friendship with them and I would still go on trips with them and do things with them.

It doesn’t make me want to cheat (in fact it makes me feel the opposite way).

You can’t tell a grown adult what to do.
You either trust him or you don’t.

You obviously don't trust him . Otherwise this wouldn't be an issue
Do you wonder if he has cheated in the past whist on one of these holidays?

I’m not going to lie, I’d be appalled if my husband wanted to stay close friends with people liked that. Personally I would find it immensely uncomfortable going on holiday with a bunch of mates knowing a third of them were going to cheat on their partners. I’d find the whole thing a bit sleazy. The problem you are damned if you do damned if you don’t. Don’t let him go you are controlling, let him go and the seeds of doubt could pollute your relationship.

Seems he has agreed to not go so why are his so called friends stirring the pot? Ask your DH if he told them you said he couldn't go or whether he said he did not want to. How he worded his refusal makes a difference. On the other hand if he does want to go I wonder why. Maybe you need to take similar trips with girl friends see if he finds that acceptable.

I have been in a similar situation. It was actually my husband who told me what SOME of the group did on the trips and he told me with disgust. He still used to go when he wanted to because it wasn't the whole of the group and they did other things which he enjoyed. It was one of those groups where some people were actual friends and some were friends of friends or work colleagues. On the holidays, the group didn't do everything together. Our view as a couple was,( I am widowed now) that if people are going to cheat they will cheat. If people are weak and stupid enough to cheat because the people they are with cheat then would you want them as a partner anyway? Do you want to be with someone whose behaviour you have to control by forbidding them to do things? Do you want a partner who is so weak spirited that they allow you to forbid them to do things? I think (as others have said) that the trip is a symptom and you need to look at what you want from a partner, as does your partner.....I mean his friends beg you to allow him to go? that's laughable.

"If a man had posted that his wife goes on holidays with 10 women and that 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat on their husbands, the OP would be told his wife is hanging around with sluts"

No, she really would not - not on Mumsnet. _Only men would be

Just out of curiosity what do boys do on lads trips?

I only know girls trips where we maybe go to a spa, drink a few cocktails, enjoy some reading time, have a gossip and a catchup and basically talk about our kids and our jobs. We light go dancing but most of us retire pretty early as we are just knackered from life!

whenever my husband goes to the pub with a Mate they talk about none of their day to day family life or work. Just cars and random other things (there is a whole Micky Flanagan sketch on just this topic!). I am genuinely curious as to what a lads trip for a bunch of married men entails?

You made a happy agreement with him that he would no longer go on lads holidays.

His mates are badgering you either because he’s asked them to (or with his agreement) or because he adds a certain something to the group that they miss when he isn’t with them, eg maybe it’s because he's the life and soul of the party.

If he’s made an agreement with you that he isn’t going any more and then asked them to badger you, (or agreed to them badgering you) then the agreement he made means nothing, in which case you are back to square one. Stopping him going when he wants to go isn’t the solution to the problem of lack of trust in him.

Does he know they were badgering you to let him go? If his motives are good and he knows they were doing that, he would have put them straight immediately telling them …it’s not that she won’t allow me to go it’s that we have agreed, for our own reasons, that I’m not going so please drop it, it’s my decision, you are interfering and it’s none of your business.

Making an agreement with you not to go isn’t controlling at all as it’s done with understanding on both sides. And the agreement is kept with good will.

Stopping him doing something he wants to do IS controlling. But you aren't controlling because you talked about it and came to an agreement. The agreement stands. Neither of you has retracted it.That’s good.

So you don’t need to ask if you are being unreasonable to stop him as you aren’t stopping him, the agreement you have with him not to go stands. Talking about problems and coming to an agreement is not unreasonable. In fact, it’s very positively reasonable.

So the question is … does he know they were badgering you and what was his response. If he doesn’t know they were badgering you, you need to tell him and see what his response is.
In other words, is he reneging on his agreement with you or not?