Not allowed on Boys trip

[suspiciousqueen]

I posted a while back of problems between my DH and I...we've ironed out so many things to make us work and so far so good. I genuinely thought it was over between us.

One of the things we compromised on was he has a set of friends around 10 of them and whenever they go on lads trips around 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat and will sleep with other women when abroad. It's horrible but normalised in their group.
So for me it was important my DH never go on these trips with this friendship group as I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together' and my DH was fine with never going abroad with them as to him it's important that we are back to where we used to be. Obviously I'm over the moon he's agreed to this. But just a few days ago we all went out as couples and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..it got to the point where they kept on asking that I nearly told them that I know they make a point of sleeping with other women when on hols! But I just stuck to saying that I'm not comfortable in DH going...
I've got no idea if im doing the right thing in not letting him go. I trust him but can you trust a man enough to go on a lads holiday where cheating is the norm???
So aibu in stopping my DH from going on a lads trip?

Tbh I am quite shocked that a lot of the replies are that OP is controlling. I am by no means a controlling person and my hubby goes out when he wants unless it affects the family finances. However if half of his friends (an incredibly high number lived lies); regularly cheating and lying to their partners as if this was the norm and acceptable I would have a massive problem with this. In fact it would run much deeper than just a lads holiday. I would really mistrust my own partner due to his questionable judgement. At best he is choosing relationships with morally bankrupt people. At worst he subscribes secretly to the same moral code. I wouldn't choose friends like this and tbh I wouldn't be with a man that thought this was ok. In fact I have a friend with a friend like this and I have recommended she let her go; as she doesn't like her behaviour. If you can lie to your partners face day after day; your not somebody I would want in my circle 👍. And I wouldn't be having couples get togethers either participating in this illusion of togetherness.

I suspect that you have axed the holidays to quiet the voice inside that is saying exactly this OP. What does your instinct really say OP? I think you unfortunately have a wider issue. Your not the problem 👍. Good luck OP 🍀

No good can ever come out of you putting a kibosh on him being with his friends. Think how you’d feel if you were him. As soon as people feel controlled they start to pull away.

You need to decide if you trust him or you don’t. If you trust him let him be free to be himself in the way you are. If he’s cheated on you before I can understand your reservations but you can’t use your insecurities to limit him. Love can’t grow in those conditions. He’ll run from that.

I must say, his friends sound like a bunch of young 20 something idiots so I do feel your pain.

Yes, YABU. If he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat, and stopping him going on a holiday with his friends is controlling, and will likely push him to behave that way anyway…because well, men do weird things.

If you trusted him OP, it wouldn’t matter if any of his friends cheat, that doesn’t mean he will?

I don't think you are controlling in this instance. I think he may not feel comfortable with his friends' behaviour on these trips, has told you, knowing you'd be unhappy and prefer he did not go. That way he can save face with his pals and stay home, using you as the excuse.

Knowing what others do on these trips, you'd have to be superhuman not to have worries about what might happen if he went. It's not lack of trust - you are being normal, especially if your relationship has struggled in the past.

He needs different friends. They sound like a bunch of 15 year olds on the way to Magaluf. Carry on like that and one of them will bring some sort of infection back to his wife or partner.

I would be exactly the same if I knew my husband's friends were like that. Most importantly, because I hate cheating and I would hate that he'd be okay going away with his mates knowing they do that. Like he was condoning their actions by joining them on the holiday. It is like when your child starts to become friends with the wrong crowd and you want to remove them from it because you want them to make better choices. I'd like to think my husband would understand not wanting to go and spend time with people who were doing that because he's an adult and not one of my children.

I'd have reminded these friends that, first of all, they're men not boys. And secondly it's being associated with men who cheat that's causing the discomfort.

I wouldn't stop him but I'd wish he had better friends.

In normal relationships spouses don't go on separate holidays. You are supposed to travel together, unless it is a work trip. Why marry if one clearly wants to spend holidays with your mates? This is not a mature approach to marriage

Irrespective of whether your DH (will) cheat or not, it's important that you maintain your totally correct stance and thus HELP your DH too. The fact that he accepted/agreed not to be a (future) part of this orgy of misbehaviour & cheating is a sign that he sees this "lads away" exercise is not a good idea. By helping your DH and yourself to maintain a "right" & dignified approach to this annual orgy of mass cheating, you're helping not only your DH but the rest of the group. Their psychology is wrong, their behaviour is wrong, their improper aspirations/desires/planning is all WRONG. So please do maintain your agreed position help your DH and by extension the group of cheaters. Good luck.

I agree.

Although I would also have told the men why I am uncomfortable with him going, that is, that you know many of them are cheating in their wives when they go away.

I'd be questioning yours/your husbands group of friends? This isn't normal (or I am naive).

I don't think I've ever seen the word slut used by posters to describe other women here...?

If the sexes were reversed on that comment, Mumsnet would explode.

This. Just because his friends do it, doesn't automatically follow that he does.

Unless he has previously cheated?

He not a puppet that you control if he has cheated I would not put up with and would not be with him, if not then you have issues that are on you and why he puts up with it I have no idea

You are being controlling regardless

What? Of course it’s normal for spouses to go away with friends. Just because you marry someone doesn’t mean you can never go away with your friends. Everyone needs time away and time with friends is one of life’s pleasures. A healthy relationship means trusting your partner and holidays with friends shouldn’t be the forbidden fruit. Maybe 50yrs ago, but this is 2024.

Have you told the other women? I'd want to know. Are they staying in relationships where their life isn't what they think it is, but you know? I'd be very upset if another woman stood by knowing I was wasting years putting effort into a fake relationship. They might be ttc right now, for example. This is big life stuff.

Many people have weekends away with friends.

What a strange comment.

I understand he wants to go on holiday with them because they're his friends. I assume they have a laugh and going on holiday is fun.

However if my DH were out with his friends and they went off with other women and he knew their wives he would be so uncomfortable. I'd like to think he'd say this holiday isn't for me.

Equally he's not a child. I'd say you can go on the holiday. I'm disappointed the cheating doesn't bother you, I'd rather you didn't. But I trust you not to cheat.

I don't believe birds of a feather bla bla bla. I had a friend in our group who regularly cheated and we didn't.

Sorry I wouldn’t tolerate been told I wasn’t allowed to go if your going to stray your going to stray u don’t have to go away to do it

and from your point of view is it worth being in a relationship where you have to keep them on a lead to stop them shagging about

What? Why can't married people go away on their own? I love getting to vacation with my girlfriends.

It's not a good idea to let your friendships fade away just because you're married. That's an unhealthy dynamic.

Your relationship is still sailing in troubled waters.

He must be an idiot to have told you that when he goes away in trips his friends are unfaithful to their partners. He must have known that telling you would have made you object to him going.

Maybe they won't shag other women and he told you that to make you feel anxious and keep you in your toes when he goes away and it's backfired because you've put your foot down and said he can't go.

If the situation is now that his friends are badgering you as if you were his mum and he's ia child, to let him go on a trip away that is so embarrassing. What an utter drip he is to have told them that he can't come out to play because you won't let him.

They are going to ridicule him over but being allowed to go and that's going to build up resentment against you.

He's a weak man and weak men cheat.

I don't think you have handled this very well by saying he can't go away because you now look controlling and are the 'big, bad meanie' who is 'ruining' his life. That's what his friends will tell him and what he will believe.

i couldn’t be with someone where the only thing stopping him from sleeping with someone else was a ban on him going on a holiday.

I really don't understand how you can't see this and take it the wrong way. This is not about TRUST. Of course spouses trust one another, it is a given. Life is not unlimited in length - how can a spouse possibly want to take time away from the other spouse? We are all working, we don't see each other near enough! How many holidays per year do we have? Why should I waste it on friends if there is only one holiday and I want to spend it with my spouse? Seriously. It is all about preferences - if a spouse prefers to spend his one holiday a year with mates rather than with his wife, why marry? My post was about love, not about mistrust.

Absolutely - that means many people prefer the company of their friends to the company of their spouses, which is a death knell for any marriage. We all have limited amount of time on this Earth, and most of us have one holiday per year - and to spend it with mates means 'I prefer my mates to you'. We do not know what is around the corner - and to squander precious time with your mates instead of a spouse? Madness.

If this post was 'I am dating this guy, but he goes on holiday with his mates', MNetter would have written 'He is not that into you, he does not want to spend time with you'. But get married and what? Suddenly the tune has changed?

Shaggers gonna shag!
If he’s not trustworthy then he’ll stray whether he goes on this trip or not.
If you trust him let him go, I would.