Page 7 | Not allowed on Boys trip

godmum56 · 22/09/2024 12:21

Fooodie · 22/09/2024 12:10

I can't understand him wanting to go on holiday with a gang of cheater, unless he also intends cheating. Do the other wives and partners know what goes on when these guys go away? Are they OK with it? How would your husband feel about an all girls holiday? Women are every bit as bad at cheating. Why don't you two go on a couples holiday instead? And then neither of you has to worry about cheating spouses.

But this isn't a gang of cheaters. The OP says around half of them cheat...and as I have pointed out, such male groups are often not equally friends. There may be friends of friends or work colleague friends.

BreezyEagle · 22/09/2024 12:46

OP there a multiple facets to this in my opinion. It is controlling and you are struggling with the idea your husband might cheat. Has he done this before?
His friends are obviously infatilising themselves to get away with there behaviour ie boys trip no your grown ass men who cheat and the restoration the group say nothing. How disgusting of them all and how unfair to you that you feel you should stay quiet when they are hounding you on a night out. Pull the men to one side and give them what for.
Does your husband want to go on this trip and if so is it because they're his friends and he does not want to miss out. This is common and also good for your husband to have a break away with his friends even if they're poor excuses for men.
Have you considered what advice you would give say your sister or best friend if this was there relationship. Then you will have your answer on whether you're being harsh or stopping something that would destroy your marriage.
Personally I think your right so tell your husband it's time to increase your social circle and look for new friends.
Stick to nights out with his male friends and there partners also remember you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why your husband isn't going on holiday.
But IF it comes up I would just say if you want me to air your shit keep talking I now it all.

Youcantcallacatspider · 22/09/2024 13:53

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 22/09/2024 11:56

I also don't get all the pearl clutching on this thread about men daring to have mates who cheat. My DH isn't defined by his friends. They're people he's known for years and had lots of experiences with. I'd never ask him to ditch his friends because of poor decision making on an issue like this. People are more complex than cheating=bad person.

I couldn't care less if my husband's friends are cheats but there is a massive difference between 'Ahhh well you do you mate. If you need to talk about your relationships I'm always here' to 'Yeh I'll come along with you, get pissed with you, watch you hit on other girls when I know you have a partner at home, quite probably have to be encouraged to act the same way and engage in misogynistic culture and conversations then probably be expected to hang out with your girlfriend/wife and act like nothing is wrong' The latter is miles apart and I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who chooses to put themselves in this situation tbh

Thevelvelletes · 22/09/2024 14:04

Why is it so important to them that your Dh goes? I really don't get that bit unless he's said you're the sticking point hence the badgering.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 22/09/2024 14:17

armadillio · 17/09/2024 18:54

I think people are the company they keep.

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I would have disagreed with you a few years ago. Funny what time can do. Turned out to be true about my XH and his close friends.

Workhardcryharder · 22/09/2024 15:09

TorghunKhan · 17/09/2024 18:26

Just say to their faces you know they screw other women. Life is short then you die, don't bother trying to stay on their good sides, they're pricks.

And hurt her husbands relationships with his friends? Doesn’t sound very considerate

Undercoverstory · 22/09/2024 15:12

He needs to be telling them he doesn't want to go, and mean it. Not that he's not allowed.

The was a necessary step for saving your realtionship, if he means to do that he wouldn't want to go.

Alli88 · 22/09/2024 15:43

You are being unreasonable

TeaGinandFags · 22/09/2024 15:45

He's told them he's not going, so that's a win for you.

They're now piling the pressure on you because he's standing firm. This is good.

Tell his friends that they need to shut up and fuck off. If they don't take the hint rinse and repeat. Or are they asking you to join them?

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 22/09/2024 21:06

@Youcantcallacatspider but that's not what happens when my DH is with his mates. All their "affairs" have been longish term and pretty clandestine. For example, they might disappear towards the end of a night out to meet up with their current side girl elsewhere. I was referring to the very general attitude of "I couldn't be married to someone whose mates cheat as that's somehow a reflection on my DH".

Josette77 · 23/09/2024 06:38

EI12 · 22/09/2024 09:02

Gosh! It is not the STRENGTH of the feeling - it is limited time!!!!!!!!! I come home at 8 pm, sometimes I am absent for a week or 2 weeks, working away from the UK. I have one holiday per year. I don't see my dh and dc anywhere near enough - and to prioritise a holiday with friends for me over spending time with my family is madness.

I wonder how many holidays a year do women and men who go on holidays with mates, have? 20? Or just one? What time do they come home? Do they spend enough time with their spouses? Do they know they are guaranteed infinite years go to on holiday with their family? Like, this year - with mates, next year deffo with my family? They are guaranteed money, perfect health, and no visa requirement in the changing political climate? Like they will get exactly what they want, when they want it?

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You are using your specific situation to say no one should do it because you don't want to.

I'm a full-time caregiver for my ds with complex special needs. I spend more than enough time with him.

I don't do weeks away with friends but weekends away sometimes. It's glorious.

You can't just decide everyone has the same life you have.

My partner is a trauma worker who works 12 hour days and weekends often. I have time to go away when ds stays with his Dad.

See how we all live different lives?

Undercoverstory · 23/09/2024 07:50

I think associating with lots of men who cheat is a reflection on him. If his morals don't align with them, why would he want to be friends with them? If your friends were all having affairs, would you want to be friends with them, especially if you know their husbands?

Different perhaps if one long standing friend has got himself into a "situation", but several of them doing it repeatedly?

Original poster

suspiciousqueen · 23/09/2024 09:14

DH was out with them a couple days ago and told them not to ask me again and that he's not going so it's pointless to keep going on about it.

My DH hasn't cheated and the reason I don't want him going is because I want this friendship group to be phased out. We've had a lot of issues in the past and when we decided to reconcile we laid all our cards out on the table and spoke of what we want from each other to make our relationship a success as being in love just isn't enough. One of my cards was that any holidays with this group he not go. He has another friendship group who I know really well who are so much more decent and my DH goes away with them also which I have no issues with.

Hopefully the cheating friendship group don't ask him again!

OP posts:

Piper194 · 23/09/2024 17:46

suspiciousqueen · 17/09/2024 18:20

I posted a while back of problems between my DH and I...we've ironed out so many things to make us work and so far so good. I genuinely thought it was over between us.

One of the things we compromised on was he has a set of friends around 10 of them and whenever they go on lads trips around 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat and will sleep with other women when abroad. It's horrible but normalised in their group.
So for me it was important my DH never go on these trips with this friendship group as I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together' and my DH was fine with never going abroad with them as to him it's important that we are back to where we used to be. Obviously I'm over the moon he's agreed to this. But just a few days ago we all went out as couples and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..it got to the point where they kept on asking that I nearly told them that I know they make a point of sleeping with other women when on hols! But I just stuck to saying that I'm not comfortable in DH going...
I've got no idea if im doing the right thing in not letting him go. I trust him but can you trust a man enough to go on a lads holiday where cheating is the norm???
So aibu in stopping my DH from going on a lads trip?

I’m in a very similar situation to you OP.
but the time hasn’t come for him to approach the subject of going away again.
The last night out my husband went on two of his mates cheated.
the last stag he went on my husband openly admitted to trying to set a friend in a relationship up to cheat and took a girls number to orchestrate this.
I posted on here with a similar thread here and was torn apart by some people who said things like you shouldn’t be with someone you don’t trust etc. easy to say when you have a giant mortgage and 3 children but hey!
I’m actually dreading the day he goes away with them next - they are vile

Sometimesright · 23/09/2024 17:58

TorghunKhan · 17/09/2024 18:26

Just say to their faces you know they screw other women. Life is short then you die, don't bother trying to stay on their good sides, they're pricks.

Definitely and I would have said exactly that!

MustWeDoThis · 23/09/2024 18:00

suspiciousqueen · 17/09/2024 18:20

I posted a while back of problems between my DH and I...we've ironed out so many things to make us work and so far so good. I genuinely thought it was over between us.

One of the things we compromised on was he has a set of friends around 10 of them and whenever they go on lads trips around 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat and will sleep with other women when abroad. It's horrible but normalised in their group.
So for me it was important my DH never go on these trips with this friendship group as I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together' and my DH was fine with never going abroad with them as to him it's important that we are back to where we used to be. Obviously I'm over the moon he's agreed to this. But just a few days ago we all went out as couples and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..it got to the point where they kept on asking that I nearly told them that I know they make a point of sleeping with other women when on hols! But I just stuck to saying that I'm not comfortable in DH going...
I've got no idea if im doing the right thing in not letting him go. I trust him but can you trust a man enough to go on a lads holiday where cheating is the norm???
So aibu in stopping my DH from going on a lads trip?

This is really controlling and unhealthy in a relationship. Hubby might grow tired of this and leave you.
If it's because you cannot trust him - This relationship is over.

You either trust him to go, or you do not. You cannot have it both ways. This is no way to live for both of you. It already sounds like the trust has gone and you're grasping at straws, and the dregs of a once happy relationship.

linsey2581 · 23/09/2024 18:44

Would you go on a all girls holiday and do you think he would be ok with it?

Pomvit · 23/09/2024 19:07

If he’s going to cheat then he will lads trip or not.

Glasgomammy · 23/09/2024 19:20

How would you feel if he was stopping you going away with the girls?

llizzie · 23/09/2024 20:10

suspiciousqueen · 17/09/2024 18:20

I posted a while back of problems between my DH and I...we've ironed out so many things to make us work and so far so good. I genuinely thought it was over between us.

One of the things we compromised on was he has a set of friends around 10 of them and whenever they go on lads trips around 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat and will sleep with other women when abroad. It's horrible but normalised in their group.
So for me it was important my DH never go on these trips with this friendship group as I'm a believer of 'birds of a feather flock together' and my DH was fine with never going abroad with them as to him it's important that we are back to where we used to be. Obviously I'm over the moon he's agreed to this. But just a few days ago we all went out as couples and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..it got to the point where they kept on asking that I nearly told them that I know they make a point of sleeping with other women when on hols! But I just stuck to saying that I'm not comfortable in DH going...
I've got no idea if im doing the right thing in not letting him go. I trust him but can you trust a man enough to go on a lads holiday where cheating is the norm???
So aibu in stopping my DH from going on a lads trip?

If he goes, and doesn't join in the ''activities'' of the rest, then he will not enjoy the trip. It will be a very lonely time for him.

There is also the danger of them plying him with alcohol which may affect his judgement.

Tell him you love him too much to lose him. That if he is caught breaking a law because his so called friends have encouraged him, he will never be allowed back home.

You could also insist he buys the most expensive travel insurance. It might put him off - might.

wen2becomes1 · 23/09/2024 20:16

i dunno Darl ,
my ex husband does same trip with his mates and his ex slapper told me 3 years after he had a kid with her , she would join them camping as well as backpackers without me knowing for years, so Its what your safe with , i trusted his mates till the thing he got pregnant told me even how the trips i was married for 7 years now i laugh , hearing rumours from there mates what there hubbys all do , hope it gets better , dont let it ruin you guys .

Zeborah · 23/09/2024 21:27

You either trust him or you don’t. Does he really have to travel overseas to be unfaithful?

Marine30 · 23/09/2024 21:30

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 22/09/2024 09:20

A decent man would even WANT to go on a trip with ‘friends’ who considered cheating to be acceptable. I know DH would refuse to have anything to do with that sort of trip.

Exactly this; why would you be friends with these men who have no respect for their partners in the first place?
Hopefully DH is no cheat but it sounds like his judgement is off for hanging around with these people.

Noodles1234 · 23/09/2024 21:34

I do get the whole if he wants to go let him go, I do agree, but I would feel on edge if the theme of these getaways is that a fair few of the men have one nighters. Drink can be an influence on bad group decisions.

GabriellaFaith · 24/09/2024 00:23

For me, personally, it wouldn't be weather or not I trust my partner, it would be a moral one. Why does he approve of, want to holiday with etc people who do this. Does he know their partners too? If so I think that's even worse. Also, if he has agreed to that, did he step in with the constant pressuring you and say look I'm not up for it drop it, or did he just let them keep asking you to make you feel arkward?