To make a new male dad friend

[Geriatricmillenial]

I was at the swimming pool with my daughter when she started playing with another little girl, who was there with her dad. We did the usual parent chat on and off while they played, then both happened to be in the cafe afterwards so sat together. The girls got on super well and it just felt easy and friendly. The dad is often off work with her on the same day I am so asked if I wanted to swap numbers to do a play date, which I did. We had some generic texts to arrange to meet at the farm I normally go to the following week.

I told my husband about it and asked if it was ok, and it is a novel situation. I have had this scenario countless times with other mums but never a dad. My husband was a bit funny about it, which I understood, but for the last week have been making jokes e.g. about my ‘boyfriend’ and knew that I had made a plan to meet up. We have spoken about it and I asked several times if it’s ok.

Then last night he told me he was very ‘angry’ that I wasn’t considering his feelings, and that it wasn’t ok for me to text and meet up with a man, a ‘stranger’.

It’s complicated by the fact that we have just started couples counselling (for long standing reasons - it’s actually helped us be in a more positive place so I don’t see us as at crisis point). Husband is actually seeing our couples counsellor while I would be meeting this other dad as I need to be out of the house, which to him adds insult to injury.

I have always had male friends but for various reasons am not close to any at the moment, so perhaps part of me misses this. I don’t know if this man would become a friend (100% I don’t want any more than that), but I was looking forward to the opportunity to pass the time with another person I seemed to get on ok with. But due to the row last night I have cancelled.

AIBU to have created this situation?

I do feel sympathy with single Dad's finding it difficult to network with other parents.
As already mentioned this situation would seem much more normal if the guy was another parent met at the school gate. As it is exchanging numbers with a random male at the swimming pool does look open to some misinterpretation even if your motives were just for the benefit of the children.

My feeling is your DH is your primary relationship and if he is really uncomfortable with you meeting up with this guy then his feelings need to be considered.
Obviously if you could introduce the 2 men and have social interaction involving all 3 adults as well as the children it might make your DH more at ease with the play date arrangements. Or if you can involve other Mums so you aren't having much solo interaction with the single Dad.
But if not, and your DH continues to be unhappy I really feel you need to withdraw from the friendship with this other single Dad and put your marriage first.

I had a single dad friend when our daughters were in the same class. He often popped in for coffee after school pick up etc. My DH was not bothered in the slightest because he trusted me. My DH has female friends that he walks the dog with at the weekend....some of those are single...I don't care because I trust him. I am always welcome to join them, I just don't. Your DH is being silly if he feels it is a threat and he obviously doesn't trust you.

If my husband didn’t trust me to hang out at a farm with another man and his daughter then I think there’s bigger issues at play here.

YANBU

Difficult one. I’ve had tension in my marriage because most of my colleagues are male and I have always been close to one in particular who DH thinks of as handsome so a threat. He is handsome I suppose but we’re both married and I don’t see him in ‘that’ sort of a way. Still, it has caused issues between DH and I for some time. He doesn’t have an issue with me spending time with other colleagues who he deems unattractive but this one particularly gets his goat.

Suppose the issue here is you have met a single guy at the swimming pool (presumably when you were both half naked which is something in itself…). This isn’t a colleague you are forced to spend time with, this is a stranger you have just met and exchanged numbers with so I can understand your DH’s perspective personally, especially when you are already going through some martial woes.

@Geriatricmillenial how long do you think it will be before you start discussing your marriage issues with him?

This thread is insane. But now I kind of get the behaviour of other mums over the years, treating me like some sort of jezebel and threat whenever I spoke to their husbands when dropping off or collecting kids, or stopping for a coffee during a play date. The way you all talk about the idea of your husbands having a female friend and exchanging numbers. Wow.

I’ve been with a new guy for 8 months now, and I’m so glad he has no issues with any of my friendships. If he ever started to question them, he wouldn’t be my guy anymore.

Of course YANBU. It's very normal and great for kids for their parents to make other parent friends then get together for playdates. My husband is always making new parent friends from gymnastics, swimming etc. (which he takes our kid to) and then arranging playdates on weekends. Sometimes other mums, sometimes other dads. Can't imagine getting in a tizzy if DH said he was taking our kid for a playdate with a gymnastics friend and their mum.

Your DH is acting like a spoilt child. Calling this other dad 'your boyfriend' snidely. Couldn't be doing with that pettiness honestly.

Does he have opposite sex siblings? I read some study that men with no sisters often believe men and women can't be just friends.

Meeting up with the Dad whilst your DH has counselling does seem like a bit of a kick in the nuts.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this

I can see why your DH would be uncomfortable with this, you've said yourself you'd be uncomfortable with it if the tables were turned. It's unfortunate that instead of addressing it like a grown up and telling you immediately that he wasn't happy, he chose to be passive aggressive and make 'jokes' before getting angry that you hadn't worked out how cross he was. Hopefully the couples counselling will address his difficulties in communicating his feelings. I wouldn't be meeting up with the other dad again, it's an extra hassle you don't need while you're working on your marriage.

Thinking about if my DH did this, I wouldn't like it nor would appreciate it. If it was an old friend it wouldn't bother me but to meet up with a new woman, I would find inappropriate.

I can see where your DH is coming from although he's probably not communicating his feelings very effectively.

I wouldn't do it. Your husband is at couples counselling whilst you meet up with some guy 🤣. Husband probably feels like a total mug

All old friends start off as new acquaintances, though. And no wonder Mners are so often posting about being lonely if they automatically discount half the human race as potential friends!

If this was a man making this post in the same the tone of responses would be very different.

It sounds absolutely fine to me and you've been open.

I'm sure you're not going to drip feed that you're in counselling because you played away with another dad.

I think having friendships of either sex is perfectly normal. A mate has a dad friend she goes to the pub with, her Dh is perfectly happy with that.

I wonder whether you laboured the point about DH being sure about meeting another man, making it sound a bit dodgy?

I read posts like this - and some of the replies - and thank god that my husband wouldn't give two hoots about who I was meeting up with

All these predatory people, just prowling around 'the marriage' waiting to pounce.

So ridiculous. It's so insignificant an issue that it barely needed mentioning. I wouldn't allow my husband to try and dictate to me who I could see and under what circumstances I could see them - you have free agency to do what you want and marriage shouldn't change that

(Of course - if your plans are to shag him tian that's a whole different scenario! I say all the above taking you at face value ... you met someone, kids got on, you might have stuff in common with him so a friendship could be on the cards... great!)

Your husband is insecure and jealous, neither of which would endear him to me

I don't think it's always a problem, but given the fact your marriage is on the rocks and the dad is separated from his wife, I just don't think it's wise at the moment. Prioritise your husband's feelings during this rocky time for you both.

Isn't it understandable to be insecure when your marriage is on the rocks to the extent that it requires counselling?

But if it was a playdate with a mum?

It's just a playdate. Unless she's a past cheat and hasn't disclosed that, he's choosing to read more into it which is totally unfair

If it was Christmas dinner with the family it would be fine too. But it's not.

It's going to meet a single dad that she's met once at the swimming pool, while going through couples therapy - where her husband will be at the time she's meeting aforementioned single dad. None of this is a rational reason for DH to get jealous, but people are not rational beings.

Obviously OP is not BU at all. But it won't do any good for her relationship with DH

The real question to ask yourself is: If this were my husband going on a playdate with a single mum, how would I feel?

You might say you'd be okay with it, but is that truly how you feel or is it just for MN appearances? If you're genuinely fine with it, then by all means, do what you feel is best. But if not, don't be a hypocrite.

Send your dh instead

Case in point here, the other side:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5142738-feel-that-dh-friendship-with-woman-is-destroying-our-marriage

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