To make a new male dad friend

[Geriatricmillenial]

I was at the swimming pool with my daughter when she started playing with another little girl, who was there with her dad. We did the usual parent chat on and off while they played, then both happened to be in the cafe afterwards so sat together. The girls got on super well and it just felt easy and friendly. The dad is often off work with her on the same day I am so asked if I wanted to swap numbers to do a play date, which I did. We had some generic texts to arrange to meet at the farm I normally go to the following week.

I told my husband about it and asked if it was ok, and it is a novel situation. I have had this scenario countless times with other mums but never a dad. My husband was a bit funny about it, which I understood, but for the last week have been making jokes e.g. about my ‘boyfriend’ and knew that I had made a plan to meet up. We have spoken about it and I asked several times if it’s ok.

Then last night he told me he was very ‘angry’ that I wasn’t considering his feelings, and that it wasn’t ok for me to text and meet up with a man, a ‘stranger’.

It’s complicated by the fact that we have just started couples counselling (for long standing reasons - it’s actually helped us be in a more positive place so I don’t see us as at crisis point). Husband is actually seeing our couples counsellor while I would be meeting this other dad as I need to be out of the house, which to him adds insult to injury.

I have always had male friends but for various reasons am not close to any at the moment, so perhaps part of me misses this. I don’t know if this man would become a friend (100% I don’t want any more than that), but I was looking forward to the opportunity to pass the time with another person I seemed to get on ok with. But due to the row last night I have cancelled.

AIBU to have created this situation?

My husband is sahd, our relationship is not in the best place and I get jealous, having said that, I wouldn't care if he swapped numbers with a mum and met up for play dates. In fact, he does do this. I don't know why, I just feel like it's a bit much to expect him to be completely isolated in that role, and most other people in similar circumstances are women...so he doesn't have a huge amount of options.

YANBU
I say that as the wife of a dad who did a lot of the stay at home days with both my sons (he was getting a degree at the time). He was very lonely because despite being a friendly outgoing guy the mum's who sent to the same activities and groups as him didn't want to know.
SAHDs need parent friends to talk about nappies and teething and the slog of parenting, just like SAHMs do.

Yes I think that’s very fair. He does need company and there aren’t many options.

For every instance like this I'm sure there are thousands that don't run off...

My brother was a stay at home dad and was incredibly lonely as none of the mums wanted anything to do with him. It’s sad

SAHDs need parent friends to talk about nappies and teething and the slog of parenting, just like SAHMs do.

I have male parent friends precisely because I DON’T want to talk about this sort of stuff all the time. Female conversation can get very boring.

I think there are lots of valid points here, it’s very fair to raise the fact that most people would be rightly horrified if women weren’t “allowed” by their husband to work in a male dominated work place, or allowed to work there but not allowed to go to meetings with a male colleague alone. People should be able to have friendly connections at work, without outrage for their partners.
That said, parenting is a distinctly couple-y thing to do isn’t it? You see people’s love and affection for their child, you recognise how emotionally tough job it is for both of you. It’s not a very romantic “date” maybe but, realistically, it sort of could be, with two mothers it’s quite easy to bond quickly and you can see how the stolen snippets of conversation between supervising the children could make things more exciting if there was attraction there.
In an ideal world I think both parents would work part time and parent part time . Whether the other parents are same or opposite sex shouldn’t matter but I can see why it does. If you add in “going through a tough patch in their relationship” it’s easy to see why people are uncomfortable.