To make a new male dad friend

[Geriatricmillenial]

I was at the swimming pool with my daughter when she started playing with another little girl, who was there with her dad. We did the usual parent chat on and off while they played, then both happened to be in the cafe afterwards so sat together. The girls got on super well and it just felt easy and friendly. The dad is often off work with her on the same day I am so asked if I wanted to swap numbers to do a play date, which I did. We had some generic texts to arrange to meet at the farm I normally go to the following week.

I told my husband about it and asked if it was ok, and it is a novel situation. I have had this scenario countless times with other mums but never a dad. My husband was a bit funny about it, which I understood, but for the last week have been making jokes e.g. about my ‘boyfriend’ and knew that I had made a plan to meet up. We have spoken about it and I asked several times if it’s ok.

Then last night he told me he was very ‘angry’ that I wasn’t considering his feelings, and that it wasn’t ok for me to text and meet up with a man, a ‘stranger’.

It’s complicated by the fact that we have just started couples counselling (for long standing reasons - it’s actually helped us be in a more positive place so I don’t see us as at crisis point). Husband is actually seeing our couples counsellor while I would be meeting this other dad as I need to be out of the house, which to him adds insult to injury.

I have always had male friends but for various reasons am not close to any at the moment, so perhaps part of me misses this. I don’t know if this man would become a friend (100% I don’t want any more than that), but I was looking forward to the opportunity to pass the time with another person I seemed to get on ok with. But due to the row last night I have cancelled.

AIBU to have created this situation?

A male friend who was a SAHP left his wife after falling in love with a mum that he met in similar circumstances.

Everyone suggesting that it was a bad thing to do because you’re having couples counselling… you set up a play date with another parent! You aren’t just texting a random man you met, the purpose is to arrange something for you child. If your husband is that insecure, no wonder you need counselling. If he’s that alarmed, maybe he could take up that bit of the parenting load and arrange the play date.

I made friends with a dad who works part time and often attended local things with his DC at the same time I was there with my DC. Our DC get on really well and are the same age.

We are good friends now and sometimes meet up with the dad, the mum, or the whole family. We had them round for lunch and a play date today - they all came but I arranged it with the dad as he tends to be the organiser. It would be such a shame for our kids and us as adults if we hadn’t been allowed to be friends / organise anything because someone has a penis!

Actually op I presume that post was meant flippantly but could that in fact be a way forward.
Tell DH you’ll take the counselling session and he can go with the sahd. That way he gets to meet him, ( which might help), you demonstrate you were only going for the Dc , the Dc don’t miss out and there is no embarrassing cancellation with the sahd. You can just say something has come up but DH is coming. Also sends the message to sahd you are in a functional marriage - just in case “ a trip to the petting zoo” was code for something altogether different. Anyway hope that poor guy isn’t on MN!

@Geriatricmillenial I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable IF that’s the kind of marriage you have. I get the impression it isn’t though, the man you married has no female friends, never has, but has previously been unfaithful (to you?). The man you married was never going to be okay with this, you know him well so you must have sort of known that already maybe?
It’s only a few posts from you here, and I could be very wrong, but I sort of get the impression you have your doubts about your husband, like maybe you don’t respect him or like him that much. That’s okay, from what you’ve said of him it sounds like he’s not that likeable, but are you being honest with him about that? If so, that’s likely why he’s insecure, if not, he might suspect it anyway.
The true advice is find a way to respect your husband again or set him free. Life is too short to be tolerating a man you don’t like as a favour to him or your children.

Really struggle to understand some of the comments on this site, just much lack of trust, it's a kids play date for gods sake...

Exactly.

That’s really rude. You sound like you’re in Year 8.

I know because it’s been that way for years. There’s no flirting, nothing, just exactly the same as if it were a mum but different conversation.

It’s called ‘friendship’.

So what, though? Married people to be forcibly kept in single-sex environments 24/7 in case they encounter someone who turns their head?

The people whothink it's dodgy and their husbands would say no, are you not "allowed" to encounter men unsupervised on a day to day basis? I'd think someone at work would be far higher risk than a dad on a playdate.

Oh come on, there's a huge difference between chatting to men, and going on what sounds practically like a date with one literally at the same time her husband is going to a marriage counselling session to try and fix their marriage

‘Practically a date’? Are you one of those people who wouldn’t dream of going to the cinema with a male friend because the cinema is ‘date territory’? 😀

It must really curtail your social life.

I'm one of those people who thinks that in a marriage you respect certain boundaries, yes. I have a healthy social life without any need to go to the cinema on my own with a man. What an odd view.

My best friend's husband began his affair by trips to the cinema with his "just a good friend,"

A date? 😂
Have you ever been to a kids play venue? It falls somewhat below the date venues I'd choose in a list, somewhere below doing a big shop at the supermarket and slightly above dental appointment in terms of frisson I reckon

Going to the cinema alone with someone is quite different to going to a farm with kids, but it's only a date if the people going on it think it is. I'd say it would be safer than a chat in the office, if I'm watching a film I am usually paying attention to that not thinking oooh this friend looks sexy in profile eating popcorn in the dark and ignoring me

In the situation you described I would hazard a guess the affair was already happening and the cinema trips were indeed intentional dates. It doesn't mean going to the cinema with a friend is a risk. People who don't want to cheat manage to navigate all kinds of social situations without accidentally impaling themselves on any passing penis.

I’d suggest it is yours that is the odd view. That you can’t meet someone socially just because they happen to be a man. That shows a lack of trust in a marriage.

Sorry - i just meant it as a joke. It was already clear to me you hadn’t tried. Your post ( and then the “ how do you know!” follow up) had made me laugh after you saying you think he’d be shocked, because it conjured up someone making dramatic seduction move and there actually is something faintly absurd when you think about the whole idea that two parents on a kids playdate would start seducing each other; it was more a joke at op’s DH’s expense I guess, because as if anything too lurid could unfold on a play date. But you’re right: it isn’t funny, because in fact longer term these things actually can and do develop.

And actually, thinking about this, when I go to the cinema it’s normally with my DH, my DH and Dc, a group, or occasionally a female friend. That’s already quite a few trips to the cinema in a year without feeling “ curtailed “ by not also going alone with a male friend. I think your social life would need to be quite heavily weighted towards tete a tete trips with other men for it to be “ curtailing.” I mean how often do you go to the cinema?

I think the cinema is actually a bit different.

Well the last line is certainly true.

Put it the other way round - oh, she's a single mum, we get on well, am I not allowed to have friends, why are you so controlling ... Heard here many many times from men - who then bugger off.

I'm not surprised he's worried.

You're being very faux naive here.

My husband has a single Mum friend like this. I have a couple of single Dad friends.

I suppose the difference to most other people on this thread, is that we trust each other.

I think you need to take all of that to Counselling

Also, is there projection here as he's cheated in the past?

Sigh. Look, anyone can start an affair any time. A friend fell in love with someone he collided in a doorway with when working overseas for a fortnight and deliberately missed his flight to be in the same building for a day more. He got himself hired for more freelance stints at this workplace over the next two years, and moved out and ended his marriage. Now they’re married.

Another friend had an affair with someone who had a child in a different class at the same school. They first saw one another on the school run.

You can’t stop people having affairs. It’s completely irrelevant to the OP’s situation. The marriage may not survive, but it’s clearly in trouble anyway.