To make a new male dad friend

[Geriatricmillenial]

I was at the swimming pool with my daughter when she started playing with another little girl, who was there with her dad. We did the usual parent chat on and off while they played, then both happened to be in the cafe afterwards so sat together. The girls got on super well and it just felt easy and friendly. The dad is often off work with her on the same day I am so asked if I wanted to swap numbers to do a play date, which I did. We had some generic texts to arrange to meet at the farm I normally go to the following week.

I told my husband about it and asked if it was ok, and it is a novel situation. I have had this scenario countless times with other mums but never a dad. My husband was a bit funny about it, which I understood, but for the last week have been making jokes e.g. about my ‘boyfriend’ and knew that I had made a plan to meet up. We have spoken about it and I asked several times if it’s ok.

Then last night he told me he was very ‘angry’ that I wasn’t considering his feelings, and that it wasn’t ok for me to text and meet up with a man, a ‘stranger’.

It’s complicated by the fact that we have just started couples counselling (for long standing reasons - it’s actually helped us be in a more positive place so I don’t see us as at crisis point). Husband is actually seeing our couples counsellor while I would be meeting this other dad as I need to be out of the house, which to him adds insult to injury.

I have always had male friends but for various reasons am not close to any at the moment, so perhaps part of me misses this. I don’t know if this man would become a friend (100% I don’t want any more than that), but I was looking forward to the opportunity to pass the time with another person I seemed to get on ok with. But due to the row last night I have cancelled.

AIBU to have created this situation?

By “deals with “husbands insecurities” do you mean “feeds husbands insecurities”?

I really think it's naive to think there is no consequences to regularly meeting up with a male friend . Just the 2 of you.
Similarly, yes obviously a husband has work trips with female colleagues but they shouldn't go out for drinks afterwards or spend regular time alone (or with kids, alone meaning no other adults)
Because then you start chatting about life and unpacking your stress and oh my goodness she just listens Soo much better than my wife and makes me feel good about myself
Wife is nagging when I get home, there is kids and bills whereas with Fiona from work it's just all roses! That's how emotional affairs start. No one looks for them. It just happens because of the contracts between the home life and the ease of this new friendship
Before long you rather discuss things with this dad( or Fiona) than your dh ( or dw)
Especially if your marriage hits a rough patch.
I honestly understand our divorce rates if I read mumsnet.
People don't respect , protect and cherish their marriages anymore. In the name of equality ( it's the same whether you meet a male or female for coffee) we are just letting go of decent propriety.
So y'all are telling me there is no foreseeable consequences of weekly meetups with a single man for op?
I'm not even talking about sex I'm talking about the emotional connection that forms and the inevitable comparing of your spouse to the friend.
Thoughts easily go to ' john actually listens to what I say, he never interrupts, he does xyz' of only dh would understand!
Obv not saying this is how every friendship goes but 0% of emotional or physical affairs start without spending time with the person. If it were me, I'd protect the marriage I have and not spend significants amount of time bonding over shared parental experiences with another (single might I add) male.
Bit sure go ahead.
Just don't think you're not experimenting with thin ice.

This! It's different when a few moms go to soft play with their kids and one girls dad happen to also come.
And then the dad is regularly included.
Or you getting your friend weekly.
John and I are going to the zoo, to the this to the that. Doesn't have the same thing to it as. Mary Susan John and I

What a depressing post. ‘Decent propriety’? No wonder so many Mners are so lonely if they discount half the human race as friends because their marriages are so awful they can only cope with them by avoiding men other than their DHs for the rest of their lives in case they happen to encounter someone who isn’t a wanker and who makes them realise non-wankers exist?

Your husband, and a lot of the replies on here are utterly ridiculous.

I have a couple of Dad friends who I regularly meet up with for play dates with my son. My husband is pleased that I’m developing my sons social life, and doesn’t assume that I’m going to be jumping into bed with them just because they are men.

Does your husband forbid you from meeting women as well, in case they are lesbian?

I imagine she'd have to be bisexual for that to apply here.

I think in an ideal world he wouldn't be bothered, but he is and I would respect that.

He might be picking up on the fact you find the single dad attractive? That's the impression I get at least. I'm not sure you're aware of it even. If you were single would you be interested in this man?

Your husband is being paranoid and I'd find his response super insulting. What will you be doing at the farm with two kids that's untoward? Roll around in the hay in front of everyone? It's absurd.

If he thinks he can lay a blanket rule down then that you can't be friends with men then that's incredibly controlling.

And yes my DH was a SAHD and he banned from the baby group and no women would be friends with him. Fortunately he had another Dad to hang around with who was really cool, but it's a terribly retrograde state of affairs.

That’s sad. My friend and I used to meet up with a SAHD for a while before he went back to work from about the ages of 18 months to 3. He said things were pretty lonely for him. He was living with his partner, they since married. I lost touch with him as he wasn’t really a good friend or anything but he was just a nice guy, whose ds and him needed some company.

No you are not being unreasonable, males and females can be just friends, it's all about trust in a relationship, even if the other person may have more interest then being just friends, if you are loyal to your husband then where is the problem, this single dad may not have many friends with other children, most people feel the same as most of those commenting on here, and as its mainly the mums who are with the children, no one speaks to him, if there is no trust in a relationship, then there is no relationship, when you love someone and trust them 100% then you have a great relationship and you will feel so much better, it's no good saying that you trust someone 100%, I just don't trust the other person, if you trust someone then trust that if an advance was made they would be straight that you are happily with someone. That's the trust part.

I guess it’s fine if it’s just a friendship. No attraction etc. The fact your having couples counselling may mean your dh is more vulnerable than usual? But he wasn’t honest about his feelings. I would hope the other dad hasn’t thought it as more than a play date either. My ex would have gone crazy if I’d done this, but he was jealous of all men who looked in my direction,

Dh and I both have friends of the opposite sex, I think it's incredibly restrictive to only be allowed friends of the same sex, we are both fine with it. You told him, you've not hidden anything and you're meeting up with your kids ffs, I think your husband sounds insecure and possessive personally. I also don't understand why you asked if it was OK, it sounds like he has been posessive/controlling before, that you felt you had to ask permission? It's normal to have friends of the opposite sex imo,someone telling you it's not is wrong. Maybe ask him to raise it with his counsellor to help him handle his insecurity

Absolutely agree. There is obviously no trust in this relationship. In a healthy relationship, both parties would be able to have whatever friends they want, without the assumption from the other party that there is a sexual motive.

I think it’s fine as long as you bail out of the situation at any sign the man is interested in you, as opposed to seeing you as his DD’s friend’s mum

I wouldn't even tell my partner if I'd made a new parent friend, male or female, unless it organically popped up in conversation. I see no reason to ask and it wouldn't even cross my mind. I have so many mom and dad friends, both friends from before I became a parent and new ones since then. Do you have no male friends at all?

Invite your DH along to a play date or whatever you plan?

My DC has a couple of friends where I always communicate with the dad. Just so happens the dads are both physically not at all attractive so DH doesn’t need to worry

Yes, or invite the new friend over at some point if you continue to like one another and you think he and your DH would get on? We’ve gained some great joint friendships his way, while there are also lots of friends of both sexes that are definitely individual.

This. Mumsnet is full of people who are just soooo cool about people having friends of the opposite sex. Mumsnet is also full of very distressed women whose husband's have suddenly left for another woman who started off as ' just a friend from work'. My husband would not be impressed and neither would I if he was spending time with another woman. If your marriage is rocky this isn't going to help.

I had lots of lovely 'dad friends' previously as there were lots of men at toddler groups I attended. As soon as I seperated from my ex it all stopped almost overnight. Even when I was friends with both in the couple. In fact most couples stopped inviting me places too as I no longer fitted with their social circle.

I'm not sure whether this is because the men were worried about the changing dynamic or their wives. Either way it's really sad. It was them that changed not me - I have absolutely no interest in a new relationship let alone with a married man.

It can be very lonely being a single parent. I think it's sad that your husband wants to control your friendships.

Affairs and connections don't happen because of purely physical attraction.

Are you in counselling because of a lack of trust? because that's all I'm getting from this, reading between the lines. If your husband can't trust you to meet up with another man who just happens to be the Dad of a child that yours has made friends with, I'm at a loss, what does he think is going to happen on this play date in front of your children?

It’s not a healthy relationship though as they are going for counselling for marital problems, so that’s the whole point.

Trust is, rightly, eroded when one person makes dumb decisions when the marriage is already on the rocks.

Personally I wouldn’t have told him, I just would have gone. It turned it more into a ‘thing’. I occasionally have lunch with an old colleague who is male and lives locally to me. First time I told my partner and he was annoyed and jealous so now I just go and don’t mention it. I know I have no romantic interest in this person at all, he is also happily married. We just chat about our old workplace, mutual friends and our industry. It is completely innocent. You had a good reason too, your kids got on well. Obviously if he started to show an interest in you that was beyond friendship then that would be different.

This exactly.

Mumsnet is also full of people utterly blindsided by betrayal from someone they ‘100% trusted’. This ‘if you trust them then it doesn’t matter’ shtick is beginning to feel like gaslighting.

I know, that is exactly the point I was making. In a healthy relationship this would be normal, so this obviously isn’t a healthy relationship.

What a childish notion. Her child is going on a play date with another child. Do you drop your knickers for the parent of every child your kid hangs around with? Because honestly, the suggestion that the mere presence of a man in her vicinity is some kind of betrayal is ridiculous