To make a new male dad friend

[Geriatricmillenial]

I was at the swimming pool with my daughter when she started playing with another little girl, who was there with her dad. We did the usual parent chat on and off while they played, then both happened to be in the cafe afterwards so sat together. The girls got on super well and it just felt easy and friendly. The dad is often off work with her on the same day I am so asked if I wanted to swap numbers to do a play date, which I did. We had some generic texts to arrange to meet at the farm I normally go to the following week.

I told my husband about it and asked if it was ok, and it is a novel situation. I have had this scenario countless times with other mums but never a dad. My husband was a bit funny about it, which I understood, but for the last week have been making jokes e.g. about my ‘boyfriend’ and knew that I had made a plan to meet up. We have spoken about it and I asked several times if it’s ok.

Then last night he told me he was very ‘angry’ that I wasn’t considering his feelings, and that it wasn’t ok for me to text and meet up with a man, a ‘stranger’.

It’s complicated by the fact that we have just started couples counselling (for long standing reasons - it’s actually helped us be in a more positive place so I don’t see us as at crisis point). Husband is actually seeing our couples counsellor while I would be meeting this other dad as I need to be out of the house, which to him adds insult to injury.

I have always had male friends but for various reasons am not close to any at the moment, so perhaps part of me misses this. I don’t know if this man would become a friend (100% I don’t want any more than that), but I was looking forward to the opportunity to pass the time with another person I seemed to get on ok with. But due to the row last night I have cancelled.

AIBU to have created this situation?

It might be a parallel op, but you are in the situation you are in, which is that you are embarking on couples counselling and that is a time when rocking the boat further is unhelpful.
He’s made it clear it’s an issue for him and while some of us think it shouldn’t be, I don’t think any of us can’t guess why it might be. It’s slightly different from a collegue as you are hanging out making small talk, which is different from perusing a contract to a deadline or going over figures. But yes: it’s tough on sahds - and their Dc too actually. I guess they rely on rock solid marriages or dh who don’t care - neither of which is your situation.

People who are ok with their partners having friends of the opposite sex are not naive cool wives/husbands. They just trust their other halves. I cannot fathom being in a relationship with someone where the trust is so low they cannot enjoy a friendship with a member of the opposite sex. Why stay in that kind of situation? If they could cheat with someone they strike up a friendship with they can cheat with anyone. It must be exhausting to live in that headspace.

Agreed with this.

Casually chatting if you are the pool at the same time is one thing. Arranging playdates while your marriage is in a wobbly place is quite another.

Would you be ok if your husband was meeting up with a single mum regularly?

You may aswell end your relationship as it's very obvious this is where you get your kicks. You love teasing and making your partner jealous by gaslighting him, and THEN when he reacts, you play the victim. Am I being unreasonable? Well yeah! He's ploughing all his energy in trying to make the relationship work while you're trying to plough another guy at a farm somewhere. And don't say you're not curious or attracted to him or else you just wouldn't even entertain the idea - no one would. If the shoe was on the other foot and he did it to you, you would be seething. It's absolutely nothing short of coercive abuse. You'll probably have less than two whole play dates with this dude and you'll be humping like rabbits in the back of one of your cars. Honestly, your partner as every right to get angry because it's most likely something you've done before.

Nice try troll

I go on play dates for the sake of my children. Sometimes it's with a mum. Occasionally it's with a dad. Especially during summer holidays - depends who happens to be off with the kids.

Nothing weird about it but I agree it seems odd to arrange at the time your DH is at couples counselling.

Hence she should not be doing this while her marriage needs repairing.

Wtf?

I’m a single mum and have several male dad friends who I comfortably hang out with. None of them is ‘willing to take it further’ and would probably be horrified if I ‘showed willing’.

No person beside a few of us will agree with a opposite sex friendship.
As long as it is a friendship I see no problem.
It's natural and normal.
Get your partner to go along to if he's angry.

You being serious the husband is acting exactly the same way, as most you women would be, I have seen so many post with husband having a female friend most of you are saying it's an affair.

Your DH is being ridiculous. No wonder you’re in couples counselling if he doesn’t trust you and tries to control who you’re friends with.

It is such a shame that you cancelled, of course you can have play dates/a possible friendship with someone of the opposite sex. All this tells me is he feels you can't be trusted with this man, which isn't fair.

🤣

How do you know?

I just asked my husband how he would feel and his response was 'well he could fuck off... have you meeting up with single men. No way' And I agree with him

Op have you considered sending over a couple nudes to this other Dad to test the waters? You'll soon see if he's up for more than a play date. The you and your DH can make a plan of where to go with it from there.

There are so many odd attitudes on this thread but mainly it's very clear that most people have not been on a playdate to a farm park in their lives if they think it's a good way to start an affair.

(I do think if you're having couples counselling and he's asked you not to, it's fair enough for you to have a conversation about it though).

😂You’re joking right? You and your husband seriously think that men and women can’t speak to each other without wanting to shag?

Best answer so far 😃

Thanks simple solutions are often the most effective, as they eliminate unnecessary B/S and provide clarity. Right now that's needed by Op and Op Dh. To plan the next steps forward with this.

Does that mean that as a single mum I am not allowed to speak to married men any more? But it was OK when I was married?

I hadn't realised that being single meant I will now suddenly want to have affairs with every man I come across 😂

She tried it and he was I guess.

Exactly. I was going to suggest something a little more convoluted, namely sniffing out some copulating farm animals at the play date 🐖🐗and watching veerrry carefully for a reaction, especially giving you the side eye op 👀. But a nude photo is much more to the point . 👍

Logically there is no reason not to do this meet up.

Emotionally I can absolutely see your DH’s point of view. He’s heading off to couples counselling to try to help your ailing marriage and you’re off meeting another bloke. It doesn’t quite say “I am putting my all into saving this marriage” does it.

Just don’t. It’s a small sacrifice to make while you hopefully get your marriage more solid. Once it (hopefully) is more secure then this kind of meet up should be fine. Just not right now.

I think this is sensible advice.