To make a new male dad friend

[Geriatricmillenial]

I was at the swimming pool with my daughter when she started playing with another little girl, who was there with her dad. We did the usual parent chat on and off while they played, then both happened to be in the cafe afterwards so sat together. The girls got on super well and it just felt easy and friendly. The dad is often off work with her on the same day I am so asked if I wanted to swap numbers to do a play date, which I did. We had some generic texts to arrange to meet at the farm I normally go to the following week.

I told my husband about it and asked if it was ok, and it is a novel situation. I have had this scenario countless times with other mums but never a dad. My husband was a bit funny about it, which I understood, but for the last week have been making jokes e.g. about my ‘boyfriend’ and knew that I had made a plan to meet up. We have spoken about it and I asked several times if it’s ok.

Then last night he told me he was very ‘angry’ that I wasn’t considering his feelings, and that it wasn’t ok for me to text and meet up with a man, a ‘stranger’.

It’s complicated by the fact that we have just started couples counselling (for long standing reasons - it’s actually helped us be in a more positive place so I don’t see us as at crisis point). Husband is actually seeing our couples counsellor while I would be meeting this other dad as I need to be out of the house, which to him adds insult to injury.

I have always had male friends but for various reasons am not close to any at the moment, so perhaps part of me misses this. I don’t know if this man would become a friend (100% I don’t want any more than that), but I was looking forward to the opportunity to pass the time with another person I seemed to get on ok with. But due to the row last night I have cancelled.

AIBU to have created this situation?

@DesigningWoman I was meaning friends that were made before the relationship to her DH.

It's balancing things out too. OPs DH is clearly unsettled by it so what's more important, having a play date or DHs feelings? Not going on the play date isn't going to cause the OP any harm but going on it could cause harm to the marriage.

My DH was the main carer when our DS was young. He often met with mothers (and fathers) for play dates, at the playground etc. I was happy for him and my DS. However, we had and have a very strong relationship, made me feel secure

It's very clear from your messages that this isn't about the children playing, it's about you wanting to make friends with this man. You're just using the playdate to facilitate it. I'm not surprised your husband is unhappy about it.

Would he have asked for your number if you'd been a man? No.

I don't see anything unusual, let alone untoward, in making new friends of the opposite sex, and hanging out with them one-on-one if those happen to be the easiest circumstances. Done it many times, so has DP.

But then I'm not in a relationship that's ever required couples counselling.

The guy isn’t single. He’s just off work that day so it’s his day to watch his kid. He swapped numbers because the kids got on and it means they can play together.

I’ve that done loads of times, at school, at clubs, at the park, at swimming.

Mumsnet is full of weirdos.

@Ivehearditbothways isn't it just? Not allowed to swap numbers with a MAN just in case you fall awkwardly on his penis the next time you meet. With your kids.

Swapping numbers is a bit over the top after meeting someone in a swimming pool for a few minutes, regardless of how well the children got on. Children tend to make friends instantly virtually anywhere, so there was nothing special there.

As a man it would never occur to me to do that with another man in those circumstances, and I think it fairly likely that most other men would be similar.

I strongly suspect that it would be more than a play date.

I thought OP said he was single?

I'm more of this view:

Not going on the play date isn't going to cause the OP any harm but going on it could cause harm to the marriage.

and I sense this is why OP is overgging the harm to her, with the angst about slamming the door on her social openness so she'll never have male friends again, so it sounds like he's being way more unreasonable here. I'm all for male friends but in this specific case, it's so much simpler to not follow this one up.

My best friend of two decades is male, so I don't normally assume anything untoward in a situation like this.

The only thing that gives me pause though, it's that you're actually seeing this guy and his child during your partners couples counselling session. That's pretty insensitive, I think.

He’s never had any female friends and also is the only one of us to cheat in a relationship

And there we have it! The real reason he doesn't want you to meet this man. Because if the situations were reversed he knows what he would do!

Although I am on the fence with this, not sure I'd be too keen on my dh meeting with a single mum. Even though I don't have a DH and am a singe mum!!

Out of interest was it you he cheated on?

Did your best friend pick you up in a swimming pool though? That's not a normal way of starting a friendship!

So because he's a single dad it's not possible he's friendly and wants to facilitate nice playdates for his child? You're right. It must be that he has trained his kid to like playing with the kids of ladies he fancies so he can pick them up. That's the most logical explanation.
Impressive training a child to be that good a wingman, mine wont even go to the loo before a car trip or put on clothes he doesn't like. The lengths these men will go to.

What is a normal way of starting a friendship by the way? I must be out of touch. I have close male friends, we manage not to have sex every time we meet up and I honestly couldn't tell you how any of them "picked me up", same for my female friends.

I imagine most of us were doing something we were interested in, spoke to each other, got on well and became friends and at some point exchanged contact details. So no, him "picking her up at a swimming pool" isn't weird is it? It would be weird if he wasn't with his kid at a parent and child swimming lesson, or sitting in a cafe by her house with no drink waiting for her but it sounds like he was just being normal doesn't it?

No, it doesn't sound normal - swapping contact details after a few meetings, as most people do, is fine, asking for them after not much more than a few minutes isn't.

When my eldest was little, my husband did the playgroups etc. when I was at work and it never occurred to me to worry about the other mums that he met. I eventually met them too and we all became friends. Perhaps if they'd been a smoking hot Claudia Schiffler types, I might have been a little uncomfortable but I certainly wouldn't have banned them from hanging out or anything like that

Except the kids and parents got on well and they wouldn't necessarily run into each other again.

I bloody hate playdates where I'm scrabbling for small talk and they want to talk about some TV thing I've never watched or something incomprehensible to do with nails or beauty treatments. I'm always over the moon to meet a parent where conversation flows naturally and I wouldn't be weirded out if they wanted my number after 1 meeting. Seeing them again isn't any weirder than striking up conversations with randoms in the first place.

Based on my friendships, both male and female friends have ‘picked me up’ in an art gallery, a health food shop, a drystone wall volunteer day, and a St Patrick’s Day parade. Numbers were exchanged at first meeting. The (female) friend who ‘picked me up’ at an art gallery where both our kids were doing a children’s art session, offered me a lift home and later the same evening invited me,DH and DS to brunch in her house the next weekend. Some people are just friendly.

This is simply "Dodgy AF", and given that the husband would be having a solo session at couples counselling, it is also taking the p*ss in grand style.

I also have to wonder if the op and Single Dad were in the pool and thus half naked when they first met?

Well it's a solo session. Is op meant to sit vigil outside? Sit staring misty eyed at his photo?

Yes they probably were in the pool. Personally I think most people look more attractive clothed. Being in a swimming pool with screeching kids who are a boob flash risk when they try to climb up me, water up my nose and in unforgiving lycra with nowhere to hide the fat bits would not be catching me at my most alluring but whatever floats your boat. Assuming poor behaviour says more about you than the situation I think.

@longapple, thank you for getting me. I would be ‘picking you up’ in a swimming pool if we met. As long as you’re not a man, obviously.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I agree about the timing of the play date during a counselling session was pretty stinging. But I think it’s worth saying it was a last-min appt after I had made the plan (for clarity, which was to go where I normally go with my daughter, but let this man know we would be there, for the girls to meet up) and just because we’re in counselling doesn’t mean our marriage is on the rocks. I’ve felt way worse than this at other points in our relationship, it’s just that now we have more time, energy and money to work on our long-standing communication issues.

As this meet up is about the 2 children playing together, why not re-arrange a time when your husband can take her rather than you.
Child happy, deals with husband's insecurities, you get time off, sends clear message to single dad that you are married and not interested in anything other than friendship and husband is included.
Future meet ups can then be arranged by husband or as a couple.

My dh took parental leave and we have older children too, if I didn’t want him to hang out with women I’d have been sentencing him to a lonely 6 months. He hung out with the mums at pick up and drop off and play dates of course. And I’ve had play dates at my house with the child’s dad bringing them and staying to hang out. We both have male and female friends and do coffees at work with men and women so wouldn’t have had issues with this.

I’d be utterly fucking appalled if my husband got funny with me meeting up with another dad for a play date. Your insecurities can rule your life if you want but I won’t let them rule mine and my kids