To make a new male dad friend

[Geriatricmillenial]

I was at the swimming pool with my daughter when she started playing with another little girl, who was there with her dad. We did the usual parent chat on and off while they played, then both happened to be in the cafe afterwards so sat together. The girls got on super well and it just felt easy and friendly. The dad is often off work with her on the same day I am so asked if I wanted to swap numbers to do a play date, which I did. We had some generic texts to arrange to meet at the farm I normally go to the following week.

I told my husband about it and asked if it was ok, and it is a novel situation. I have had this scenario countless times with other mums but never a dad. My husband was a bit funny about it, which I understood, but for the last week have been making jokes e.g. about my ‘boyfriend’ and knew that I had made a plan to meet up. We have spoken about it and I asked several times if it’s ok.

Then last night he told me he was very ‘angry’ that I wasn’t considering his feelings, and that it wasn’t ok for me to text and meet up with a man, a ‘stranger’.

It’s complicated by the fact that we have just started couples counselling (for long standing reasons - it’s actually helped us be in a more positive place so I don’t see us as at crisis point). Husband is actually seeing our couples counsellor while I would be meeting this other dad as I need to be out of the house, which to him adds insult to injury.

I have always had male friends but for various reasons am not close to any at the moment, so perhaps part of me misses this. I don’t know if this man would become a friend (100% I don’t want any more than that), but I was looking forward to the opportunity to pass the time with another person I seemed to get on ok with. But due to the row last night I have cancelled.

AIBU to have created this situation?

“Meeting regularly with a man in this way”

What way? You mean in front of their children on a play date? I didn’t realise that was so scandalous.

I've got loads of male friends and my DH is fine with that.
But your marriage is in a vulnerable place and this is a distraction from the focus of the counselling which should be about your issues as a couple before any external factors complicate perceptions.
Your DH is right to feel vulnerable because this is not a good time for a shiny new man to appear on the scene.
I'm all for platonic friendships but if your bond is not as strong as it has been in the past you can be vulnerable to making unfavorable comparisons even if that's not your intention.

Bad timing, you should show him he's your priority and you're listening if you want to give this counselling a chance. This is not helping.

Have the children play together in a way that doesn't involve you and this guy being a duo. Group play etc

This is a good point.

I don't think there's anything wrong with children meeting for a play date, but it sounds like there's more going on in your relationship so more factors to consider than others might have. Meeting up literally whilst he's in counselling is crazy let's be real.

@Ivehearditbothways you are naive if you think these situations cannot lead to difficulties.

@Ivehearditbothways "If your marriage can’t survive you taking your child out to play with another child just because it’s a dad and not a mum then you shouldn’t be married. Absolutely ridiculous"

I absolutely agree with this. The marriage isn't worth saving.

God i wouldn't have even thought to ask my husband about this
He sometimes takes the kids places by himself.. is he supposed to not chat to or arrange meet ups with women for the kids?? That would be impossible
Honestly these 'no friends of the opposite gender' people are odd
Hopefully the counsellor tells your husband he's being a controlling fruit loop

"You could have always said to the guy that your husband would prefer if he met him, if he was fine with that he probably isn't looking for anyone else and it would have put your husbands mind at ease"

Suggestions like these? Meet him will put his mind at ease? Why - he's an ugly fucker? Or he's handsome? Or he's cantankerous? Come on , where in real life does this happen? Only on MN.

" Darling this is my new gorgeous looking colleague at work. I will be spending work trips away with her but I want you to meet her to put your mind at ease" 🙄

If it weren't for the couples counselling happening I'd say YANBU but that added factor adds a different complexity to this.

Also if your husband made friends, swapped numbers with and was arranging to meet up with a single mum that you'd never met or knew of, wasn't even a school mum where your children were friends, would that be OK with you? If yes, then explain to him why you'd be ok with that so he can see where you're coming from with it.

Personally I wouldn't be pleased if my DP was arranging to meet up with a random strange woman he'd met at the swimming pool. IMO it's totally different to becoming friendly with a work colleague, someone at a hobby or the mother of an established friend of the kids.

No, i’m just a single mum who is not interested in your husbands. This guy is a dad (might not even be single) and the only reason they’re meeting up is for the kids to play. It’s a non-event.

If you cannot trust your spouse around the opposite sex then your marriage has issues and maybe it’s time to give it up.

YANBU for arranging a play date with another parent, no.

Given women are still largely the primary carers, it must be terribly lonely for sahd/single dads and their children, if arranging a play date is an automatic red flag ☹️.

I find this kind of foolishness just adds to women's load, because now someone will tell you it's only acceptable to enjoy playdates woman to woman.

@Ivehearditbothways as you are a single mother then you are coming at this with an alternate mindset. Working at marriage does involve consideration for the other partner and sometimes tempering your behaviour out of respect.

For me it would have nothing to do with the woman, I've been a single mum myself. I'd be wondering HIS motivation behind it, if it was something out of the ordinary and a random woman he had met at the swimming pool.

I don’t think single mums are after my husband.

Mainly because I am a single mum. 😂😂😂

I do have a boyfriend and never worry if someone else wants him. His loyalty is all on him. Not any other woman regardless of her status.

and I didn’t say single mums are after anyone’s husband. I said that many (not me, but many posters) would be saying HE (the ops husband) was wanting to pursue something with the single woman. That the Op only knew the tip of the iceberg. Nothing about the single woman wanting her husband at all.

and let’s be honest, many posters would be very suspicious l.

If you took from that, that I believe single parents want my non existent husband, I don’t know what to say. That’s all come from you. Because I put no emphasis on the single person or commented on the single persons behaviour, wants, motivations.

Is your husband’s expectation that you remain isolated and cannot have any interaction with males? That your child can’t have a friend because that means you interacting with the kid’s father?

Doesn’t seem worth saving the marriage for

PROVIDED you don’t have a history of being unfaithful. It all changes if you’ve ever cheated.

Now you should be totally open to your husband taking your kids on play dates or coming to the pool next week with you.

but if your husband tries to stop you having social interaction that’s a problem.

stop asking so much if he’s ok - it’s probably made him feel like he shouldn’t be.

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really appreciate having other points of view as I don’t know what to think.

I take the points that the counselling means it’s a particularly difficult time to be starting a new friendship with a man (but on the other hand - I have no idea if it will be a friendship! I’m always open to meet people to pass the days I have my daughter with as I think it’s good for her and me, but this next play date was really to see if it could be a friend or not. It might be rubbish chat and then I’m fine not to meet up again). The issues we are discussing in counselling are entirely unrelated to this and go back a long way, so being in counselling it is more tricky timing than a red flag, though I am open to perhaps something subconscious motivating this.

I agree it would be better if this wasn’t a total random and was someone from school etc, but I think I am always open to serendipitous meetings and people come into your life from all directions. It makes me feel sad and annoyed that I might be never be able to have a straightforward male friendship again, as all the male friends I has before I got married are gone (one because we kissed and it got weird - before my husband - one because he turned into an alt-right nutter, one we drifted apart, and the other took his own life). I am a sociable person and I don’t want to curtail my friendliness, but also don’t want to be a dick to my husband and I don’t know where the line should be

Also the comment about DH seeing women only as sex objects resonated. He’s never had any female friends and also is the only one of us to cheat in a relationship…

Well, don’t let him curtail your life, because he can only think of opposite-sex individuals in terms of shagging. My life would be a lot poorer if not for male friends.

To be honest, I'm usually quite relaxed about female friends my partner has and vice versa, but if my partner were to give his phone number to a random stranger of the opposite sex he's just met, I would be pissed off.
If its part of a group or a hobby or something, it would bother me less and he's gone on nights out with women, day trips with the kids with friends wives etc, but this one on one, giving a number out, would make me uncomfortable

I agree, and think that the way OP is delineating male friends means it's harder to see this as just another playdate parent, no different to another mum. Also this:

The weird part of this is you asking your husband whether it was ok for you to meet a parent for a play date — not even just once, but ‘several times’! You say you have other male friends. Surely your mind doesn’t leap straight to ‘Here are two opposite-sex people who could technically have sex!’

You've made a thing of it because it must be a thing for you in some kind of way. I can see where his insecurity comes from, and he doesn't even know this guy is single. I say all this as someone who has male and female friends and my DH has no issues, but I'd never have asked if was okay or had any reason to do so.

I guess the bigger picture is that you're having relationship problems and this isn't helping so I'd look at your priorities and how vital this new guy is to you. Your DD can be friends with the other kid anyway without you needing to pal up.

It makes me feel sad and annoyed that I might be never be able to have a straightforward male friendship again

I wouldn't let this one chance meeting with a random guy and the resulting situation lead you to catastrophise that you'll never have a male friend again. Putting that kind of pressure on it is bound to wind you up and up the stakes.

I think this is a particular time and situation and it doesn't need to be extrapolated into you curbing this open sociableness forever. Overegging it like that makes it feel like you've got more pinned on this guy and it's a hill to die on. The line isn't that hard to draw. Just take this one in context, stay open in future and take things as they come.

OP unless you have form for accidentally having sex behind a haystack with any man that happens past while your kid plays in a farm playground I think he's being unreasonable.
Me, I'm pretty good at remembering I'm a grown up with a kid and I shouldn't just slope off and shag a random while my child plays in the sandpit. Perhaps you should suggest one of those tamper stickers that gets wonky lines if you undo and redo it for your underwear so your husband can check it when you get home?
Ridiculous.

Really though, I'd point out that if I wanted to have an affair I'd probably conduct it in secret when I wasn't with my kid and I wouldn't be wasting my time at couples therapy. He needs to decide if he trusts you or not.

Well, indeed. Or a chastity belt in case a glimpse of haystacks sends the OP into a sexual frenzy.

He is separated and looking for friends, nothing wrong with that on the face of it , but I am fairly untrusting...if it were me I would have left it as oh we come here fairly often maybe bump into you. His asking for your number was quite forward. Had you mentioned not being single?

I think it's a bit unfair as your partner will 100% spend the couples counselling discussing how he feels and how to navigate the situation. Effectively you have bought a 4 th person into your relationship - you, the counsellor, your husband and now this person, when you already have some unresolved issues.

The only part that stood out to me is how you miss having male friends! Why? A friend is a friend, why are you seeing a difference between male and female, and specifically wanting a male friend?

Also, I think your DH is projecting because he must know if he had a female friend what that would mean to him (cheating as you've said).