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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make a new male dad friend

182 replies

Geriatricmillenial · 17/09/2024 08:13

I was at the swimming pool with my daughter when she started playing with another little girl, who was there with her dad. We did the usual parent chat on and off while they played, then both happened to be in the cafe afterwards so sat together. The girls got on super well and it just felt easy and friendly. The dad is often off work with her on the same day I am so asked if I wanted to swap numbers to do a play date, which I did. We had some generic texts to arrange to meet at the farm I normally go to the following week.

I told my husband about it and asked if it was ok, and it is a novel situation. I have had this scenario countless times with other mums but never a dad. My husband was a bit funny about it, which I understood, but for the last week have been making jokes e.g. about my ‘boyfriend’ and knew that I had made a plan to meet up. We have spoken about it and I asked several times if it’s ok.

Then last night he told me he was very ‘angry’ that I wasn’t considering his feelings, and that it wasn’t ok for me to text and meet up with a man, a ‘stranger’.

It’s complicated by the fact that we have just started couples counselling (for long standing reasons - it’s actually helped us be in a more positive place so I don’t see us as at crisis point). Husband is actually seeing our couples counsellor while I would be meeting this other dad as I need to be out of the house, which to him adds insult to injury.

I have always had male friends but for various reasons am not close to any at the moment, so perhaps part of me misses this. I don’t know if this man would become a friend (100% I don’t want any more than that), but I was looking forward to the opportunity to pass the time with another person I seemed to get on ok with. But due to the row last night I have cancelled.

AIBU to have created this situation?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2024 08:17

Is the man single? Would you be okay with your husband making a new mum friend in similar circumstances? I don’t think either of us would have a problem with this but it depends on several factors.

Resilience · 17/09/2024 08:17

Not everyone will agree but IMO YANBU and your DH is being a dick. Unless you tell me you've had an affair or inappropriately intense relationships with men before and that's what's responsible for your need to have couples counselling, this is no different to play dates with another mum.

Spinet · 17/09/2024 08:17

This is why I think it must be so so lonely to be a sahd. Nobody is "allowed" to hang out with you. No you have not created this situation. Bring it up in couples counselling.

Basilsage · 17/09/2024 08:20

Why not recount the chat with DH and let him speak on it then act with other man? Seems a bit unnecessarily hasty.

Abi86 · 17/09/2024 08:21

On the evidence you’ve provided, it seems entirely reasonable to meet up with your new friend. Your husband needs to chill - but that might be part of the problem

Howdull · 17/09/2024 08:21

I don't think there's much point having couples counselling if you're going out on play dates with another man, sorry.

Either don't go, and pour everything into the couples counselling - or just leave the relationship and go out for play dates with this guy who I'm sure will be willing to take it further if you show willing.

Original poster
Geriatricmillenial · 17/09/2024 08:22

Good point @AnneLovesGilbert - he is separated from the mother of his daughter. Will try to work out how to edit to add that. I can see how this would and wouldn’t be pertinent information.

Re the other way round, I have thought about that a lot and would also feel funny like my husband does, but would not create such a row that he felt he had to cancel. I feel a parallel might be if he arranged to meet up with a female colleague, which he has done and I have been ok with

OP posts:
xILikeJamx · 17/09/2024 08:23

On the face of it, there's no reason you shouldn't go.

However as your DH is literally going to couples therapy at the same time you're out meeting a strange man (regardless of the reason why), the optics are really not great. I wouldn't do it in your specific circumstances

Ivehearditbothways · 17/09/2024 08:25

If your marriage can’t survive you taking your child out to play with another child just because it’s a dad and not a mum then you shouldn’t be married. Absolutely ridiculous.

I’m a single mum and I’ve had this shit for years. Half the mums at school think you must be after their husbands so you can’t possibly take your sons to a play date if the other kid’s dad is hosting. It’s one thing getting this crap from other women over their (middle aged unattractive all 10 years older than me) husbands but you’re married… and your husband doesn’t trust you. What’s the point in him?

Wordsmithery · 17/09/2024 08:28

Howdull · 17/09/2024 08:21

I don't think there's much point having couples counselling if you're going out on play dates with another man, sorry.

Either don't go, and pour everything into the couples counselling - or just leave the relationship and go out for play dates with this guy who I'm sure will be willing to take it further if you show willing.

You're saying this will lead somewhere then, I think. But actually the two adults are not even friends yet, just parents of two girls who get on well.
OP, couples counselling is the ideal place to explore this. You'll find out what you both think, and why, in a safe place.
Or you could invite them both over when DH is home, for the first time at least.

DesigningWoman · 17/09/2024 08:32

The weird part of this is you asking your husband whether it was ok for you to meet a parent for a play date — not even just once, but ‘several times’! You say you have other male friends. Surely your mind doesn’t leap straight to ‘Here are two opposite-sex people who could technically have sex!’

HoppityBun · 17/09/2024 08:32

I’d be “very angry “ that you’ve taken the trouble to explain to your DH and several times checked with him, but he did nothing but make jokes and then burst out with anger, without first discussing and saying how he felt. That’s the lack of communication that needs couples counselling.

motherofbabydragon · 17/09/2024 08:34

i think part of the problem is dh right now feels like the relationship is threatened by this unknown man. he might feel better once he meets him and asses him as a none threatening.

if my dh all of the sudden started spending time with another woman i might feel on edge and uncomfortable until i got to know her etc and realised she is not a threat to my marriage. i would feel especially nervous if our relationship was at a rough patch and had to go to couples therapy and would see him meeting at the time i am working hard on our relationship as a betrayal

ThisHumanBean · 17/09/2024 08:41

This is tricky because on the whole i think YANBU to form a friendship with another male parent. However, if i was embarking on couples counselling I would have parked this so i could focus energies on that and not throw in any distractions to the business of sorting out my relationship. By distractions I mean anything that could disrupt which isbexactly what has happened. Arguably your DH is behaving badly, but I also think you could have avoided this at this particular time in your marriage.

Ivehearditbothways · 17/09/2024 08:43

motherofbabydragon · 17/09/2024 08:34

i think part of the problem is dh right now feels like the relationship is threatened by this unknown man. he might feel better once he meets him and asses him as a none threatening.

if my dh all of the sudden started spending time with another woman i might feel on edge and uncomfortable until i got to know her etc and realised she is not a threat to my marriage. i would feel especially nervous if our relationship was at a rough patch and had to go to couples therapy and would see him meeting at the time i am working hard on our relationship as a betrayal

Seriously? You’d see a play date as a betrayal just because the other child’s mum turned up?

rainbowstardrops · 17/09/2024 08:45

I'm on the fence here. Your partner clearly feels threatened and pissed that you'd be meeting up with a man while he was having a councelling session but what a sad state of affairs that it's frowned upon for two parents to meet up for the sake of their children, just because they were the opposite sex.
Could you invite the man and his daughter to yours for a play date so that your partner can meet him?

forevernumb · 17/09/2024 08:47

Basically it depends on how committed you are to your marriage and its future. You are technically opening up a window into your marriage by meeting regularly with a man in this way. If you are currently having difficulty then why would you do this for some random you barely know?

Ask yourself why you want to do this? Is it really for your daughter? Is it bringing a little bit of fun into your life?

The above is how Shirley Glass would explain it. There is some truth in this. I think that you do understand that this might not be a good idea by the way you have been bringing this up with your husband. It's almost like hiding in plain sight and you have barely started.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 17/09/2024 08:47

In theory Yanbu to form a friendship with another parent who happens to be male.

But I really suspect that if you were posting that your husband met a single female parent at swimming, then hung out in the cafe with them and was now texting to meet up with them and pursuing a friendship, most people would support you not being comfortable with the situation
Many would be telling you he is already pursing her, you only know the tip of the iceberg etc.

If he isn’t usually like this and isn’t controlling at all, I would be inclined to listen to him and not strike up a friendship that makes him uncomfortable.

DrFroggy · 17/09/2024 08:48

At my kids school there were several dads who did the majority of the childcare and who I would inevitably have to have contact with in order to arrange play dates. How is the dad supposed to support his child’s friendships if the mums are not allowed to meet up with him and his daughter? At least one of those dads was divorced. It seems as a society we want men to take more responsibility for the kids and their activities but when they do, we get all weird and suspicious about it (not you OP, obviously).

Toomanyemails · 17/09/2024 08:49

Resilience · 17/09/2024 08:17

Not everyone will agree but IMO YANBU and your DH is being a dick. Unless you tell me you've had an affair or inappropriately intense relationships with men before and that's what's responsible for your need to have couples counselling, this is no different to play dates with another mum.

This.
Are any of the various reasons you're not currently close with your male friends relevant (eg. They wanted more) or is it more just life circumstances?

I find the jokes about your new 'boyfriend' quite icky! I've always had a mix of male and female friends, DP is the same, and I hate it when people sexualise normal friendships. Even weirder for your partner to do it, it would make me feel like he only views women as potential sexual conquests and assumes all men feel the same

Ivehearditbothways · 17/09/2024 08:50

SwiftiesVSLestat · 17/09/2024 08:47

In theory Yanbu to form a friendship with another parent who happens to be male.

But I really suspect that if you were posting that your husband met a single female parent at swimming, then hung out in the cafe with them and was now texting to meet up with them and pursuing a friendship, most people would support you not being comfortable with the situation
Many would be telling you he is already pursing her, you only know the tip of the iceberg etc.

If he isn’t usually like this and isn’t controlling at all, I would be inclined to listen to him and not strike up a friendship that makes him uncomfortable.

Why do you think single mums are after your husband? What is it about is that screams out that we want some man who has a wife and kids who go to our own child’s school/clubs? Like that’s what’s we want.

Trebol · 17/09/2024 08:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request

Rolypolyup · 17/09/2024 08:52

Absolutely no way would I be ok with my husband meeting up with another woman in any circumstances. And that would be the reason I wouldn't start up a friendship with a man.

nicknot · 17/09/2024 08:53

I have always had male friends but for various reasons am not close to any at the moment, so perhaps part of me misses this. I don’t know if this man would become a friend (100% I don’t want any more than that), but I was looking forward to the opportunity to pass the time with another person I seemed to get on ok with.

Interesting how the children are not the focus of the meet up here, for you it's about the man. I guess that's been picked up by your DH?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/09/2024 08:53

I think it's fine. You are giving too much weight to your husbands feelings and ignoring yours and your daughters.

If he didn't like it he could have been honest straight away, rather than hiding how he felt without jokes and then getting angry. There is no need for anger as you haven't done anything wrong.

You could have always said to the guy that your husband would prefer if he met him, if he was fine with that he probably isn't looking for anyone else and it would have put your husbands mind at ease

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