Was my weekend guest rude?

[KerryBay]

I hosted my friend for the first time at my home this weekend, they stayed for 3 nights. Each of these days my partner cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner except for one time out for lunch and dinner. Not one of these home cooked meals did they thank me or my partner for preparing them or that they enjoyed it.

Additionally, any free moment spent at the house or when driving with them, they spent buried in their phones playing random games or on social media. If they weren’t on their phones, it was sitting by them the entire time and they would check it constantly or be texting random friends of theirs instead of talking to me. It surprised me as times I have spent with this friend prior at their home they not once did this with their phone.

Lastly, I have a young child who was very excited to see them and I told them in advance she would want to talk to them a lot and show them her stuff. They did say they have very little experience with children, however they acted like any moment my child wanted their attention, it was almost painful for them to engage with her. It didn’t seem to really register with my child, but it hurt my feelings as my child was being very typical for her age and being excited for having a new friend (for her) over at her home. They would still engage with her but I could tell it was very forced, and they did not want to be doing so, it seemed to bring them no joy and instead annoyance. When my child was not present, they would make comments like “thank god she left, that’s exhausting!”. It felt inappropriate to me and I felt guilty for my child being a child.

Some things they did do that were considerate were they made their bed when they left, they did seem to “try their best” to engage with my child despite doing so begrudgingly, and they did pay for our appetizer at dinner.

All things considered though I found myself after they left feeling a little resentful for how they treated my family and I, but I also wonder if I am overthinking it? Thank you in advance for your input.

There is a difference between taking something personally and finding someone’s behaviour unpleasant. If someone is desperately uncomfortable with saying ‘thank you’ and being around children, they probably shouldn’t stay for days being cooked for and generally catered to in someone’s house who has kids.

That was my take on this as well. I can understand someone being uncomfortable around kids when they are unaccustomed to it, that is not what I have an issue with. The issue primarily is that he should in theory have known there was a potentiality for this to be his experience given his preferences and what he is comfortable with, esp since he is a 40 year old adult. I almost feel like he is lying to himself about who he believes he is and what he wants in life. Says he likes children, says he is lonely and wants to spend time with friends, says he wants a family, etc. however throughout his entire stay here acted entirely annoyed with my kid (who was honestly being a very typical 4 year old, nothing out of the ordinary), didn’t really try to engage with any of us and when he did it felt forced, etc. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children, not wanting to get married, and needing a lot of alone time, but you have to own it and not make it someone else’s problem that is the case.

It would have been more appropriate that if he still wanted to come visit, to stay at a hotel to maintain balance for himself, or to shorten his stay to 1-2 nights max.

Yes, rude and tight - quite possibly unintentionally but even so. Early forties though...surely they've got enough life experience/skill by now...

The bottom-line is their behaviour made you enjoy their company less, feel resentful so at the very least I wouldn't have them to stay for more than one night at a time in future. Well, I wouldn't host them again at all or maintain the friendship at the current level as I would've lost some respect.

My children, even tho' all adults now, have enough manners to THANK ME for making a meal! How very rude of your 'friend'.

The least they could do was to pay for your meal.

He should have paid for the entire meal if you were hosting to say thank you in my opinion, and should have gone quietly to settle the bill with the staff before it even came to the table.

Sounds like an ex of mine. Also similar age. Subconsciously hated my family for being close knit. He was really weird about my parent's house - regularly would unlock back door to go for a smoke and not bother to lock it again. Leave front door open when he came in or left. His parent's place was sacred, my parent's place upset him somehow and he'd act all passive aggressive there

Sounds like you don’t know them very well considering you had them to stay three nights. All just sounds awkward. Some people are just a bit awkward. I’m a bit awkward myself, so can sympathise with everyone in this instance!

Very, very rude. I wouldn't have them to stay again.

Friends don’t behave that way. They were your guests. Their behaviour was nothing short of appalling and discourteous. Very immature for a middle aged couple. Personally, I wouldn’t bother to invite them to my home again. How a friend makes you feel is the ‘red flag’ in a relationship; Don’t ignore your feelings. You will only be subjected to more of the same! From an outsider’s perspective, you and your friends may be on a different ‘wavelength’. Family vs a couple. The dynamics are bound to be different. Some people adapt to situations, while other’s don’t, can’t or won’t!

3 days is a long time, I'd be on my phone too as it's a lot being with someone else that long and not in your own space. But I just wouldn't stay with someone that long

But yeah he was rude with the manners

Not just rude but antisocial. Except for the part with the engagement with the child where they seem to have been awkward

I stay with my friend quite often and she is a good hostess. I always take wine and chocolates for her and her DH. We are all food lovers so talk about the food we have so it’s easy to compliment them. If we go out for a meal/lunch or have a takeaway I pay for it. I leave my room as I found it and tidy the bathroom after myself

I think if you’re not used to being a guest in someone’s house you can feel a bit awkward and not always sure how to act or be aware of the protocols. Sometimes as host you have to manage this. Engage in conversation if they’re scrolling phones but allow them time for this such as when you’re preparing food. Suggest they read your child a story - children love this and allows your guest to interact easier with the child

Let them know if it’s ok to make their own drinks or get up before you The more relaxed your guest feels the more they may engage with your routines and your family

Who makes their bed when they leave? More helpful to strip it surely?

Not sure making the bed when they left was actually thoughtful either. Surely they don't think you are going to leave dirty bedclothes on the bed. I always ask if my host wants the bed stripped. If they don't have immediate plans for laundry they might say leave it in which case I fold it back towards end of bed to allow bed to air

Incredibly ill-mannered:

1. not to be appreciative of the meals cooked (did he offer help with them?)
2. not to thank you for them
3. not to offer to pay for meals out when there was an opportunity
4. not to come with gifts of eg flowers/chocolates (perhaps he did?)
5. to be on his phone quite so much
6. to speak of your child in the way he did

You sounds like lovely & attentive hosts.

Was he with you just for the pleasure of a weekend together? Or because he asked to stay for some practical reason eg working/attending an event in your area?

I'm wondering what the purpose of her visit was. Did you do some activity she would enjoy? Why did she visit!

It’s funny you would mention that about the book reading. My daughter brought him a few books and asked him to read to her. He pretty much refused, and awkwardly sat there with her still holding the book. So I read the books, and he just sat there and listened. I tried my best to just adapt, but I did think it was odd that he couldn’t just read the book for her. I considered it an easy way to connect with her. This is some of the behavior I was referring to where it seemed like he was just unwilling to engage with her in any capacity, and when he did it was like it was so boring for him.

It’s okay to not like kids, but you shouldn’t stay with someone who has kids then. Kinda puts me in an impossible situation.

Agreed, thank you!

He had stayed with us for the pleasure of a weekend together. My family and I moved to a new town that is well known for having many unique things to do, he had never been here before and he had expressed interest in coming to visit to check it out and see our new home. So he reached out to arrange a date to come stay with us and that was that.

Oddly enough, after showing him all the stuff the town has to offer, he literally had no comment about any of it. I know it’s a nice area however, people travel from all over to come stay here, so it almost seemed like intentional withholding of saying anything nice about it. It was odd and awkward.

He was interested in seeing our new home (we just moved here and bought this home) and the town we live in since he’s never been. It’s a unique, nice town and he had heard good things about it so he wanted to check it out.

Yes, we made sure to do things we know he enjoys, or so he says he enjoys, such as hiking and a new interest of his (mountain biking) which my husband and I are both very into. We also checked out a local archeological site because he had expressed interest in going. So we put considerable effort and thought towards entertaining him, showed him really stellar spots in the area he seemed like he would enjoy, but it all was very anti-climactic. He had nothing to say about any of it, and all around it was very dull entertaining him as a result honestly. My family and I had a good time however ha!

Agree. I wasn't sure if she was talking about one person or two. Confusing.

It's no wonder he can't get a partner. He sounds very socially unaware, as well as being mean, not very attractive

If your friends have children those children live in their house, it's their home. I repeat, don't go and stay in a house where children live if you can't be bothered to interact with them and don't be rude about those children to their parents.

I don't think it made any difference whether the guest was male or female and 'they' has long been used in a situation where you either don't know the sex or don't want to say. It's not confusing at all because it didn't matter.

It must've taken a lot of effort to use "they" repeatedly in the OP despite her knowing that he is a he! What's the point when she told us all he's male within the first few responses?

Yes, it's been used for a long time in specific scenarios, but this was utterly unnatural and makes for more difficult reading.