Was my weekend guest rude?

[KerryBay]

I hosted my friend for the first time at my home this weekend, they stayed for 3 nights. Each of these days my partner cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner except for one time out for lunch and dinner. Not one of these home cooked meals did they thank me or my partner for preparing them or that they enjoyed it.

Additionally, any free moment spent at the house or when driving with them, they spent buried in their phones playing random games or on social media. If they weren’t on their phones, it was sitting by them the entire time and they would check it constantly or be texting random friends of theirs instead of talking to me. It surprised me as times I have spent with this friend prior at their home they not once did this with their phone.

Lastly, I have a young child who was very excited to see them and I told them in advance she would want to talk to them a lot and show them her stuff. They did say they have very little experience with children, however they acted like any moment my child wanted their attention, it was almost painful for them to engage with her. It didn’t seem to really register with my child, but it hurt my feelings as my child was being very typical for her age and being excited for having a new friend (for her) over at her home. They would still engage with her but I could tell it was very forced, and they did not want to be doing so, it seemed to bring them no joy and instead annoyance. When my child was not present, they would make comments like “thank god she left, that’s exhausting!”. It felt inappropriate to me and I felt guilty for my child being a child.

Some things they did do that were considerate were they made their bed when they left, they did seem to “try their best” to engage with my child despite doing so begrudgingly, and they did pay for our appetizer at dinner.

All things considered though I found myself after they left feeling a little resentful for how they treated my family and I, but I also wonder if I am overthinking it? Thank you in advance for your input.

Oh it's a man. If anything, I think men are even more awkward when staying at a friend's house.

Your partner doing so much cooking over the weekend sounds like very hard work, op. Why did you not do some? However you did go out twice for meals. It's better to do less formal cooking when you have a guest. For a start, he (I now realise it was a 'he' and certainly not 'they' as there was only one of him), would have had to get up for breakfast rather than wandering into the kitchen at will and putting on some some toast and coffee. I always hated having to be up and dressed for the day on a weekend.

Was this a friendship from before DP/DC when you were single?

Agree with the annoying concealment of friend's gender. Just an unnecessary distraction that leads to oddly worded post.

They sound rude. Rude not to say thank you and rude to ignore you to play games on a phone. I get not everyone is good with kids, and maybe they found that challenging but they knew your kids were gonna be there, and commenting that they’re “glad it’s over” and that they’re “exhausting” is just…well, rude! Personally, I wouldn’t invite them over again.

He paid for your appetisers? - what a tight arse.

If you stay at someone's house and they have children expecting them to be in your face is highly likely.
When you stay somewhere you have to take into account of thr situation or tell them to bugger off to a hotel.
To make comments is so no parenting mentality...especially given the over use of the phone.
To no thank you is rude.
Tell them next time to get a hotel when they mention there stay!.
Bugger all that.

When my child was not present, they would make comments like “thank god she left, that’s exhausting!”

I think that's really rude. I am not great at talking to other people's children. But I wouldn't ever comment like that, especially if I was staying in the child's home.

He sounds like an entitled twat. Having guests is exhausting. You went out of your way and so did your partner. Basic manners are required.

All of it was rude. Although I can understand him not wanting to spend a lot of time with your child saying "thank god she left, that’s exhausting!” Is damnably rude and I think I might reply with something like "that's probably what we will say when you leave"

Definitely not someone who understands how to be a good guest, which is not rocket science - thank and praise whatever is offered (within reason) and be available (within reason) to socialise when you're hosts are not otherwise occupied. Also recognise that most parents prefer only to hear positive comments about their children, even though this person probably was exhausted by interacting with your DD. I wouldn't invite them again, but best not to bear a grudge because I doubt that any offence was intended.

Incredibly rude and not a ‘friend’ you need in your life. The excessive phone use is incredibly rude. Not interacting kindly with your child was appalling - you don’t have to have children yourself to be able to spend a bit of time playing nicely or having a chat with one. You fed and watered her all weekend - did she even offer to help or do the dishes? The least she should have done was pay for your whole meal when you went out, either lunch or dinner depending on her finances. She was getting 3 nights of accommodation and food from
you for free! The thought of just offering to pay for the appetiser makes me cringe and is tight af. I would be distancing myself from
someone like this, she’s a user and she won’t get any better.

Why is the guest’s sex relevant? Are men and women supposed to have different manners.

YANBU OP your guest was rude. Making the bed and buying an appetiser? No big deal either of these! You have to unmake the bed to wash the bedding, and they should’ve bought you a whole meal!

They are a poor guest but I think you were a bit off to have thought they would be thrilled to hang out with your kid so enthusiastic.

I love my kid. I love my friends kids. But when I visit my friend, its to hang out with them, not their kid, and I'd expect parents to allow say 10 mins of chat and then redirect their child the same way as I do mine. Yes, it's the child's home first and foremost, but boundaries still apply. Your guest is absolutely not a new friend for them and expectations should have been set.

Aside from that, your friend sounds like they used you for a place to stay or they were low key pissed off and checked out. They were on very poor and rude form.

Not saying thank you for the meals or for you hosting, you’re absolute not unreasonable about. That’s out and out rude.

However not engaging with your child? That you’re unreasonable about. I love my kids, I know how to interact with my kids, but everyone else’s are exhausting and annoying and I’d really rather not entertain them. But I’d also not stay at the home of someone that had a young kid that might want me to pay attention to them, so they’re also unreasonable to have accepted your offer to stay on those grounds.

If it felt off enough for you to write a post on MumsNet about it then yes, I think they were probably pretty rude guests.

If they're coming into your home for a few nights, your child is part of that home, and you don't have to have children or have experience with children to at least treat them like other humans who live in the household. My friends' children are an extension of them and an important part of their life so I'm interested in their characters and interests.

The phone thing could be a habit they've fallen into, it could be that they've got something worrying them at the moment that they don't want to talk about (financial, work, a criminal investigation??? I don't know) but wonder if you referenced it? Or made a joke of it? If that was my friend I might have sent them a whatsapp or a message on instagram or phoned them from across the room to get their attention and make them realise they're staring at their phone. Or turn of the wifi!

The meal thing is rude. If we have a meal at family or friends houses we'll obviously at the very least say thank you but will also complement elements of the meal "this sauce is amazing" "wow, I've never made shakshuka at home, send me the recipe" or "I am stuffed, that was so good" and "let me do the washing up". Did they bring a bottle of wine? Chocolates?

If they're people you really like and this behaviour is unusual for them I'd check in and see if they're OK with a "you didn't seem yourselves just checking everything's OK?" or "you were on your phones a lot while you were here, is there something going on that's worrying you?".

Maybe they're just rude and boring guests. If we're staying with friends I'd like to leave them thinking "ah, I love seeing them, we should do this again soon"!

Well I would certainly never have allowed my kids to treat visitors like that! Maybe the people who ‘don’t like children’ actually don’t like poorly parented children.

Why do you think that 'gender' matters?

Do you mean sex? Do you mean that you would expect a girl/ woman to be pleasant and helpful around the house and good with children, but you'd expect a lower standard of sociable, polite behaviour from a man? That it's okay for a man to eat several meals and never say thank you, but that you would expect better of a girl/ woman?

Have you ever stopped for a moment to consider how sexist that is?

(Not saying the OP’s child was badly behaved- doesn’t sound like it).

Extremely rude. I say thank you to my DP when he makes dinner, and we've lived together for donkey's years!
The least a guest can do is say thanks and offer to clear the table/wash up.put stuff in the fridge.
And of course he should reciprocate by treating you all to dinner out and/or a takeaway.
Sitting looking at his phone all weekend is rude and arrogant too.
He sounds utterly ungracious. And pretty boring company too.

Just the appetiser?

How was that negotiated?

Rude rude rude ……do not invite again

Why does age or sex matter?
we are talking about basic manners here ……and this person was fucking rude …..doesn’t matter how old or what sex they were

Yes he was hugely rude.

And sorry, but if you find other people's children "exhausting" or "annoying" or whatever words posters are using to try and justify this behaviour, the answer is simple - don't impose yourself on a family with a child for 3 nights!

This is an adult we're talking about here, not a teenager or a child needing to be babysat. Presumably he has his own free will to either only stay one night or to get a hotel, not to be rude to the faces of his hosts and to be completely ignorant and give more attention to his phone.

Honestly it makes me feel like some sort of ancient crone when I read these posts and people are constantly making excuses for people that have just be demonstrably rude. I hope he never has his own kids to pass on this behaviour.

Did he not come bearing gifts? Did he not offer to pay for a shop or to take you out for a meal? If he spent most of his time on his phone and not engaging with you, why do you think he accepted the invitation? (We had a visitor like that once ourselves, my gast was flabbered at their rudeness, though I wonder if maybe it was just a lack of social graces or they'd never been taught good manners. Anyhow, never saw them again after that.)

I think that the two sexes and different ages tend to behave differently