Was my weekend guest rude?

[KerryBay]

I hosted my friend for the first time at my home this weekend, they stayed for 3 nights. Each of these days my partner cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner except for one time out for lunch and dinner. Not one of these home cooked meals did they thank me or my partner for preparing them or that they enjoyed it.

Additionally, any free moment spent at the house or when driving with them, they spent buried in their phones playing random games or on social media. If they weren’t on their phones, it was sitting by them the entire time and they would check it constantly or be texting random friends of theirs instead of talking to me. It surprised me as times I have spent with this friend prior at their home they not once did this with their phone.

Lastly, I have a young child who was very excited to see them and I told them in advance she would want to talk to them a lot and show them her stuff. They did say they have very little experience with children, however they acted like any moment my child wanted their attention, it was almost painful for them to engage with her. It didn’t seem to really register with my child, but it hurt my feelings as my child was being very typical for her age and being excited for having a new friend (for her) over at her home. They would still engage with her but I could tell it was very forced, and they did not want to be doing so, it seemed to bring them no joy and instead annoyance. When my child was not present, they would make comments like “thank god she left, that’s exhausting!”. It felt inappropriate to me and I felt guilty for my child being a child.

Some things they did do that were considerate were they made their bed when they left, they did seem to “try their best” to engage with my child despite doing so begrudgingly, and they did pay for our appetizer at dinner.

All things considered though I found myself after they left feeling a little resentful for how they treated my family and I, but I also wonder if I am overthinking it? Thank you in advance for your input.

Thank you for the update-so when you've stayed at his, it was alone, sans husband and child-maybe this is the difference and he just wasn't comfortable?

This would NOT excuse being rude however and he should have absolutely made more effort, it mayjust explain the change slightly as to where it was coming from. He knew he was staying with you and your family not just you, and should have acted accordingly.

The scrolling through the phone at dinner-just throwing something out there.
I do this.
I have had a horrendous phobia of eating in front of others since I was a young child-result of being a fat one, and also my Father force-feeding me/berating me at the table for years on end. I am much better now but when eating out/with others except in exceptional settings, I will scroll on my phone to stop me panicking. It doesn't sound as if this is him, given you seem to have eaten with him before?

It is basic common sense and manners not to be rude about someone's child when they're hosting and feeding you though.

Admittedly I'm not single and am female, but I'm childfree and in my 40s and am not massively experienced with little kids; but I can manage to engage with them a bit and not be rude about them to their parents. And this man apparently wants a family, whereas I don't and never did want children, so have more of an 'excuse' really.

Why does this guy get excused, just because he's childfree, single and in his 40s, for saying rude things about his host's child, being glued to his phone, not saying thank you for multiple meals, and not paying for anything beyond an appetiser (how do you even do that? did he get the staff to split the bill? How embarrassing).

He's a total twat for agreeing to stay for three nights but being rude and ungrateful. No gift? No thanks? Never again. Just chalk it up to experience and cool the 'friendship' to nil.

No one needs a 40-something former colleague doomscrolling at the dinner table.

Correct, when I had stayed at his home prior it was without my husband and daughter. It wasn’t intentional though just simply because when I flew out for a work event, they couldn’t join me.

I agree with you that I believe that is what contributed, he likely was uncomfortable. What I find particularly frustrating about it is, he chose to come here because he wanted to visit us and see our town, I didn’t invite him, but of course welcomed him. It seems like one of those situations where he didn’t give enough forethought into how it could realistically look for him being here for days on end with my family. However, someone in their early 40s should be able to think ahead and should know themselves well enough to consider how they may feel about it all given the circumstances, their preferences, etc.

I want to emphasize as well that up until now, he has been my closest friend at work ever since we started (we both started our jobs at the exact same time, same role 6 years ago) and talk all the time. Which that combined with his prior behavior when we were in person together, all of this came as a total surprise to me.

I appreciate you raising how negative/difficult childhood experiences may have contributed to some of his odd behavior. You are correct though in that he has never done this before when we have shared a meal together. He is typically VERY present, whereas this entire trip, he was present mentally/emotionally to connect for roughly a quarter of the time.

He was rude HOWEVER....It baffles me whenever people are houseguests/invite houseguests for extended periods! I personally feel uncomfortable staying more than 1 night/crashing after a night out and not just because I'm a chronic people-pleaser who hates putting others out! I always feel more than ready to go home after one night.

It is incredibly intense being in someone's space for that period of time! The pressure to be constantly forthcoming and engaged with the guest and their family members may be too much for some people.

I would personally cut him some slack with the overuse of his phone if this is out of character. It is antisocial but perhaps he felt awkward or the conversation wasn't flowing, it's typical body language for a person who feels uncomfortable. Perhaps he felt awkward sharing every single meal with the family without the downtime he is used to.

As a childfree person with limited experience with children, I have no clue what to chat about with them and would find it overwhelming to have to constantly make conversation with a small child. Having to ensure all conversations are age appropriate when the child is in earshot may not come naturally to him and he may have just simply been lost for words.

Expectations about making the bed and mealtimes should have been communicated. Moving forward, I recommend not to host guests for prolonged periods of time, it really is more hassle than it is worth!

So you should cut off your adult friends once they have children?!? Plenty of my friends don’t like the peoples kids. And I don’t like other peoples kids much either. I am friendly to them but I don’t want spend ages entertaining them. If I go to see a friend it’s to see them and have adult company, not interact with their children. I have never expected others to do so with my children either. If my children were annoying anyone I’d direct them away. Why do you think every one has to love your kids?

Yeah in retrospect, 3 nights and 4 days total spent together was far too long. When he proposed dates to come visit, it was originally going to be even longer and I recommended it be shortened thinking it was long enough for 3 nights of hosting. Was mostly thinking of myself to be honest and what my limit would be, and also felt even that seemed too long and would rather have done 2 nights max. I wish I had done that to save everyone the extended experience, should listen to my gut next time. I was worried I would offend him to suggest shortening it by too much from his original proposal.

Truly appreciate the varying perspectives, it gives me more to consider and what I could have done differently. As well as where my friendship is standing with him at this point. All very helpful for the future!

Next time? Gosh. Glutton for punishment!

Ha! I guess I mean, next time with any guest, unless they are my absolute closest friend. I am unlikely to ever host this particular friend or be hosted by them ever again, this single experience tarnished it!

Because people's social skills generally mature and develop with age. And a teenage boy guest might behave differently from a teenage girl guest. Do I really have to explain?

And thanks for the swearing - it is so classy.

You need to communicate an 'expectation' that a competent adult will show a bit of gratitude for a meal cooked for them?

I meant expectations relating to having every single meal provided with the family.

Again, a competent adult, no matter their age, sex or whether they have kids, really should have an inkling that it's polite to pay for a meal or a takeaway at least once when someone puts you up.
I still want to know how he came to pay for the appetizer and nothing else; how did that get arranged? How did the conversation go, @KerryBay ?

I agree!

So when at dinner, we were starving from having been busy all day hiking so I ordered an appetizer right when we sat down to dinner for us all to share. Then of course after that we ordered our own dishes.

When the bill arrived, the server put it down on the table and it sat there for a few minutes. I wasn’t trying to suggest anything in doing so, just wasn’t in a rush to pay, but assumed because it had not been mentioned yet that he would pay for himself and I would pay for my family (myself, husband, daughter). When I picked up the bill I told my friend I would need his card for his portion of the bill, as I knew I certainly wasn’t covering his side of things. At that time when he gave me his card he said we would pay for the appetizer. I thanked him, and that was that.

Now that I think of it though, it was kinda odd I had to even ask for his card. He should have presented it without me prompting, it was almost as if he assumed I would be paying for him.

So not even an appetiser each?! ONE appetiser for 3 grown adults is all he contributed to the whole weekend?! Wild. And he didn’t even offer to pay for his own meal?!

Yes, very very rude.

I assumed you were talking about a sulky teenage niece or similar.

That is correct 😂when you put it that way it does sound pretty ridiculous.

To make matters worse, he certainly has less financial stress than we do and he is aware of that because we are transparent about things like that with one another.

As I talk more about this things I had not considered come to mind, such as he decided to extend his trip back home by staying for one night at a nearby well known tourism town , that is VERY expensive. He was complaining to me about how expensive it would be to stay there, so I suggested he stay in the town near it that’s cheaper. He said it’s “not as nice though”, granted this town is still very nice just not as “boujee” as the other. Well ultimately he decided he would stay at the expensive town because he found a “cheap” place to stay in, meanwhile this place cost a lot, way more than I would spend for what it was. I thought to myself, so you are willing to spend 100s for one night at this place, when you were SO cheap while staying with us for days straight? Also, where we live is also expensive for a single hotel night, so we saved him a lot by hosting him at our home. Pretty rude of him looking back!

OP, you sound very nice but a mug, and your cheap, mean, rude friend, knows it.

We teach people how to treat us.
You might give that some thought before you allow yourself and your home be used by him again.

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"

Unfortunately, this is true. I tend to be easily deceived by people 😣I was emotionally/mentally abused by my primary parent and it’s created a lot of interpersonal blind spots like that for me, which I am working on, but still pose challenges.

As mentioned prior this was the first time he really showed his true colors like this, and I am not willing to let it play out again. I am distancing myself from them!

Good woman.

We can all be caught out by people, even so called good friends,.....that can happen to ANYONE.

The thing is not to allow it to happen again.
That is the key thing with cheeky fxxkers, NOT to allow them the opportunity to treat you poorly again.

That is all any of us can do.
He doesn't get to be a mean twat in your house again.

He isn't very nice is he? He used you to save money. Don't allow him to stay next time.

I don't think making the bed when they left is polite. Did they think you'd let someone sleep in it after you?
Would have been more helpful to have stripped it for washing.

had you / your family not spent much time with friend before this stay at your home?

it sounds like your expectations were different to his. Perhaps you expected him to immerse himself in your world and be very present with you and your child. Maybe he is not used to that and needs time and space, eg on the phone.

id take it as a learning regarding whom you decide to host and who you spend time with, as a family.

It's a long way from someone not 'immersing himself' in his host's world and not saying thank you for a meal/offering to pay sometimes

It doesn't sound like you've been a mug, it just sounds like he didn't feel comfortable at all in multiple ways and was doing his best to deal with the situation.

I also struggle to thank people if I know I should but I generally feel uncomfortable in a situation, I overthink it and worry it's going to sound really fake. I've also noticed a lot of men tend to forget to say thank you more than women.

I don't have kids and I find kids exhausting. I try not to say it to my friends' faces though. And I'm female, I know my male friends without kids find them even more exhausting and hard work than me - there's a reason we don't have them. I wouldn't take it personally. The vast majority of friendships don't last when only one side has kids.