Was my weekend guest rude?

[KerryBay]

I hosted my friend for the first time at my home this weekend, they stayed for 3 nights. Each of these days my partner cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner except for one time out for lunch and dinner. Not one of these home cooked meals did they thank me or my partner for preparing them or that they enjoyed it.

Additionally, any free moment spent at the house or when driving with them, they spent buried in their phones playing random games or on social media. If they weren’t on their phones, it was sitting by them the entire time and they would check it constantly or be texting random friends of theirs instead of talking to me. It surprised me as times I have spent with this friend prior at their home they not once did this with their phone.

Lastly, I have a young child who was very excited to see them and I told them in advance she would want to talk to them a lot and show them her stuff. They did say they have very little experience with children, however they acted like any moment my child wanted their attention, it was almost painful for them to engage with her. It didn’t seem to really register with my child, but it hurt my feelings as my child was being very typical for her age and being excited for having a new friend (for her) over at her home. They would still engage with her but I could tell it was very forced, and they did not want to be doing so, it seemed to bring them no joy and instead annoyance. When my child was not present, they would make comments like “thank god she left, that’s exhausting!”. It felt inappropriate to me and I felt guilty for my child being a child.

Some things they did do that were considerate were they made their bed when they left, they did seem to “try their best” to engage with my child despite doing so begrudgingly, and they did pay for our appetizer at dinner.

All things considered though I found myself after they left feeling a little resentful for how they treated my family and I, but I also wonder if I am overthinking it? Thank you in advance for your input.

Is this a couple as in ‘they’ or just a man in his early 40s. Not that it makes too much difference yes rude. Sitting scrolling on your phone in company is rude. Should have said thanks for the meals and could have at least paid for one takeaway. Hope your daughter wasn’t upset by being ignored.

I know that some people don’t like children and I accept that, but imagine if people said the same thing about other life stages. Imagine if people said ‘I don’t like old people’. That would be weird, wouldn’t it? Or if someone didn’t want to come to your house because your elderly relative was there, on the grounds that they might repeat themselves, talk about boring things, or are a messy eater.

I agree .

what age is the friend OP

Sorry, not really directly relevant to the OP but was just thinking about the whole ‘don’t like kids’ thing that we see a lot on MN.

Phone, yes really rude. Would have to have said something.

Child, not so much. I can remember feeling that little children were aliens before we had ours. Wouldn’t have been unpleasant to any but certainly wouldn’t have known how to engage.

You’ve just outgrown each other for the time being.

What was the purpose of the visit though? Were they staying because they needed somewhere to stay whilst in town? Or was it a specific visit to see you and spend time with you. When someone visits me because they need somewhere to stay I don't expect them to give me full attention all the time, on the assumption that no one wants to interact all day long and they need time off. 3 days is a long time to engage with someone. Maybe they were expecting things to be a bit more casual and to sort out their own meals? I wouldn't get caught up over someone not saying thank you if they were my friend.

Super rude. We’ve just had guests and encouraged them to help themselves food wise and they also arranged / cooked food. How did they just pay for appetiser? Surely they should have paid whole dinner. They sound rude and cheap

Yes all of it was rude. I'd still be friends with him, but never have them in my house again.

But yeah if someone was like that about my daughter that would be the worst bit,

I'm sorry you found the weekend difficult. You start off by saying you hosted 'a friend' and then talk about 'they' and 'their phones'. How many friends and how many phones :-)?

It is now early Tuesday morning and she/they spent three nights over the weekend with you; I bet you anything you will soon receive a note or a message thanking you for your hospitality, that is the usual etiquette. It's too soon after the event for you to be complaining.

It's possible your friend or friends were not at ease staying in someone else's home and did not quite know how to behave. That isn't unusual, it can be extremely stressful and a great relief to get home, no matter how nice the hosts. I doubt very much if friend(s) meant any offence and would probably be mortified to know you are not happy.

One night would probably have been enough and maybe more casual..

Put it behind you now.

Rude ungrateful behaviour all round by your entitled friend! I would make that the last time you host him.

Yes, really rude. They were not ‘in the room’ with you.

Could be nervous about their visit or struggle with social interaction but if they do, they need to practice not revert to burying their head in interaction beyond you.

I doubt an 'old person' would try and put Playdoh in your hair, climb on you like you're playground equipment, wipe their snot on your jeans etc etc.

By her own admission the guest tried to be nice to the child but the problem (as so often on here) is that parents think that others should worship their offspring like they do. Not gonna happen.

They treated your house, your home, like an AirBnB and not like staying over with a friend and all that entails.

If they ask to stay with you again (and not knowing where you live but it's possible if you live near a popular attraction/in a city), I'd decline and tell them why. You could say that you didn't think they enjoyed staying with you as they found your child 'exhausting' and they didn't seem to appreciate having a hot meal cooked for them either along with them being on their phones a lot when they were with you, so you actually don't want them staying with you whatever about them.
Tell them that there is an actual AirBnB (if you know where one is in your locality) and they are welcome to book there, and you'll check your availability if they are coming to town to meet up without your child.

YANBU but it's not uncommon for some men to think that they don't have to put themselves out or inconvenience themselves for others. Lots are lovely, sociable and have excellent manners but, if so inclined, men in general get away with prioritising themselves and their needs and wants to a far greater degree that women do. There's an expectation from some that others are around to serve and facilitate them, rather than meeting in the middle.

Sounds like the behaviour of a poorly socialised teen. Yes kids are exhausting but you don't need to make those comments to their parents, and as a guest you need to make a little bit of effort. Sounds like he wasn't overly interested in talking to any of you though, and not offering to help with or pay for meals is also appalling and ungrateful. I would be distancing myself from him after that.

Having read your update @KerryBay, I'd have no issues whatsoever in laying it out for your friend and telling him that

• not saying thank you when you're presented with a hot meal at breakfast, lunch and dinner is just rude
• Having prepared him for how talkative your daughter would likely be and meeting him would be her making a new friend (not a best buddy thing but no longer a stranger either) and when he called her 'exhausting' that was rude
• He should have asked if you wanted the bed he stayed in stripped and the sheets put in the laundry or if you actually wanted him to make the bed - he took the easy way out there. You probably had to strip the bed after he stayed in it.
• He should have put his hand in his pocket more than once and an appetiser is the cheapest part of the meal. He could have bought the wine as well (if there was wine) but he didn't.

I would have no issues in making it clear that you were very hurt by the way he treated you and your husband's hospitality.

Don't go and stay in their house then. Simple. The OP's guest chose to come.

Oh dear...
Guess he's single?

Oh god, why is she your friend?

*he

He sounds bloody awful. I definitely wouldn't be extending any invitations in the future 😳

He accepted your hospitality for a week, and he paid for the appetiser when you went out to dinner. Tight git. He should have offered to take you out to dinner and paid for the lot. He'd be an ex friend if I were you.

Glad it wasn’t just me 🥴🙄
…. yes he was very rude

I don’t know where your from op, maybe America as you said appetiser. Not that it matters as your friend has bad manners regardless of where they are from. I would have said something. How long have you known them and how? That would be end of the friendship for me.

They would have got scathing sarcasm about being on their phone like a teen but your going bald Dave from me.