Was my weekend guest rude?

[KerryBay]

I hosted my friend for the first time at my home this weekend, they stayed for 3 nights. Each of these days my partner cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner except for one time out for lunch and dinner. Not one of these home cooked meals did they thank me or my partner for preparing them or that they enjoyed it.

Additionally, any free moment spent at the house or when driving with them, they spent buried in their phones playing random games or on social media. If they weren’t on their phones, it was sitting by them the entire time and they would check it constantly or be texting random friends of theirs instead of talking to me. It surprised me as times I have spent with this friend prior at their home they not once did this with their phone.

Lastly, I have a young child who was very excited to see them and I told them in advance she would want to talk to them a lot and show them her stuff. They did say they have very little experience with children, however they acted like any moment my child wanted their attention, it was almost painful for them to engage with her. It didn’t seem to really register with my child, but it hurt my feelings as my child was being very typical for her age and being excited for having a new friend (for her) over at her home. They would still engage with her but I could tell it was very forced, and they did not want to be doing so, it seemed to bring them no joy and instead annoyance. When my child was not present, they would make comments like “thank god she left, that’s exhausting!”. It felt inappropriate to me and I felt guilty for my child being a child.

Some things they did do that were considerate were they made their bed when they left, they did seem to “try their best” to engage with my child despite doing so begrudgingly, and they did pay for our appetizer at dinner.

All things considered though I found myself after they left feeling a little resentful for how they treated my family and I, but I also wonder if I am overthinking it? Thank you in advance for your input.

Not thanking you is rude.

Being on her phone is rude but she might just have needed to decompress.

Not enjoying talking to your daughter is awkward, but it sounds like she tried her best considering she told you she didn't have experience with kids.

If you don't have children it can be painful being around other people's. I personally choose not to stay overnight at the homes of my friends who are parents.

Their children are great, but just not my cup of tea for long periods of time.
I would NEVER make comments about them though. That was so mean of her.

The real issue is not thanking you both for the effort made. Basic manners would be enthusiatic gratefulness for the food, along with bringing a gift like flowers or a nice bottle of wine.

Depending on finances, it was a bit cheap to only pay for your appetiser.

And being on their phone constantly is outrageous, they could have just stayed home.

The only excuse for that would be waiting to hear important news or an emergency.

That all reads like the behaviour of a younger teen who hasn't fully learned how to socialise politely with others. I'm assuming they're an adult and if so, don't have them back.

Really rude.

Anyone can feign enthusiasm around kids.

Phone use is appalling.

Stingy. Ungracious.

Don't invite her again. In fact, just drop the friendship. No drama. Just be less responsive to texts, phone calls etc.

Yes, they were very rude.

Yes the person was rude

On balance, they were rude... yep.

But it also sounds like you rather wound your child up to have unrealistic expectations of your friend. You surely know that your friend is not a 'kid person' and hasn't any experience of little kids. So to tell your child that they will definitely want to talk to her, play with her, engage with her... was unreasonable of you.

And yes, its hard to see someone not enjoying time with or struggling to engage with someone we love and find captivating and wonderful... but other peoples little children are hard work (we have to constantly moderate ourselves and ensure we're pitching ourselves at an appropriate level. Something you're very familiar with and is second nature to you, but won't be to your guest), they're also not nearly as delightful to us as you think.

However she was very rude to make the comments she made, to not thankyou for meals etc and to be on her phone constantly. Would not invite her again, and if she brings it up, I would certainly point out the phone use, it is beyond irritating!

Yes rude and inconsiderate all round. I would feel the same

Is the guest a younger family member in their teens or early 20s? If so, then it’s on the ruder side of typical behaviour for their age, but as the guest is exposed more social experiences as they get older then hopefully they will learn better manners.

If the guest is an older adult then yes I would find that quite rude and would just know for next time not to invite them again/ only socialise outside the house with them. Although if I invite a guest I don’t expect them to contribute to food or meals, but a thank you would be nice.

Very rude. I find not engaging with your child very rude too. If you don't want to be around children, don't go and stay with a family who have them. Children are people, not an annoying pet.

Without stating rough age or gender, it's difficult to say.

And just on her being rude about your child - I don’t know why it’s acceptable to have that attitude about children, and worse still to voice it out loud. They can’t help being childlike and they’re are humans too, deserving of the same respect we give to adults. Just as you shouldn’t treat someone’s disabled sibling that way or express those same attitudes towards their clumsy attempts at connecting with you (I.e. an adult with learning difficulties not being aware of social cues), adults shouldn’t treat in children that way.

How someone treats the weakest and most powerless in society is a good indication of their character.

I wanted to clarify as it was misinterpreted, understandably based on my phrasing of it, that when I mentioned “I told them in advance she wanted to talk to them and show them her stuff”, that was me telling my friend that in advance to set expectations regarding my daughters excitement and general personality so they knew what to expect in advance and weren’t caught off guard by her talkative nature. I did not set any expectations with my daughter and in fact, when I noticed my friend getting annoyed with her would tell my daughter to give them space and also my husband would take her out of the house to give them space.

We tried our best to recognize how tough it may be to be around a kid 24/7 when they are not familiar with that. I felt as though their understanding of our situation that we have a kid and can’t change that, they also chose to stay at our home, was not reciprocated.

My friend is in their early 40s, is a male.

Being on the phone is rude.

Other people's children are really annoying though. And I have a child and a grandchild that I love to bits. Rather not spend time with other people's children though if I can avoid it and I hate it when you go round to see adult friends and it becomes all about their kids. I am polite to them and will show a little interest but I don't want to converse with them for ages or play with them or, god forbid, watch a fucking terrible play or dance routine.

They sound ghastly!

The comments alone about my child leaving would have been enough for me. I'd have cut the visit short.

But if you know you hate this stuff, and you know your friend has a young child, would you go and stay for three days? I mean, you’re kind of signing up to spend some time being annoyed by a little kid if you decide to spend all weekend at the kid’s house monopolising their parents.

Incredibly rude and ungracious. I would never invite him over again. Make an effort, fgs.And don't tell kids to leave in their own house.

I wouldn’t invite him again.

Before mobile phones, it was very common to pick up a book or a magazine when staying with friends and completely ignore what was going on around you. Many a friend would pick up a Yellow Pages or a medical reference book and would be randomly turning pages from dawn to dusk.

All that “they” stuff was very distracting, why hide that he was a male? It’s simply information. Yes he was rude.

Not saying thank you and being on their phone all the time is rude. Not wanting to chat to your daughter all the time is perfectly understandable, especially for a child free male in their early 40s.

I have 2 children and plenty of friends and family with children. None of them will constantly talk at a visiting grown up. I would get quite annoyed if I went to see a friend and was expected to engage with their child constantly.

if you are that annoyed by other people's children- and personally I am not mad keen on them- then do as I do and don't stay over with people who have children. I have a friend who had a baby 15 years after me. I was over the toddler stage by then, so I just didn't stay with her.

The usual bits are rude

The child thing no, no one should be rude to child but unless you are staying somewhere because of a child then they to me are in addition so if natural interaction fine but forced/fakeness does not work

I thought this before and since having a child of my own, I love my child but I totally get others are not children people