Was my weekend guest rude?

[KerryBay]

I hosted my friend for the first time at my home this weekend, they stayed for 3 nights. Each of these days my partner cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner except for one time out for lunch and dinner. Not one of these home cooked meals did they thank me or my partner for preparing them or that they enjoyed it.

Additionally, any free moment spent at the house or when driving with them, they spent buried in their phones playing random games or on social media. If they weren’t on their phones, it was sitting by them the entire time and they would check it constantly or be texting random friends of theirs instead of talking to me. It surprised me as times I have spent with this friend prior at their home they not once did this with their phone.

Lastly, I have a young child who was very excited to see them and I told them in advance she would want to talk to them a lot and show them her stuff. They did say they have very little experience with children, however they acted like any moment my child wanted their attention, it was almost painful for them to engage with her. It didn’t seem to really register with my child, but it hurt my feelings as my child was being very typical for her age and being excited for having a new friend (for her) over at her home. They would still engage with her but I could tell it was very forced, and they did not want to be doing so, it seemed to bring them no joy and instead annoyance. When my child was not present, they would make comments like “thank god she left, that’s exhausting!”. It felt inappropriate to me and I felt guilty for my child being a child.

Some things they did do that were considerate were they made their bed when they left, they did seem to “try their best” to engage with my child despite doing so begrudgingly, and they did pay for our appetizer at dinner.

All things considered though I found myself after they left feeling a little resentful for how they treated my family and I, but I also wonder if I am overthinking it? Thank you in advance for your input.

Yes he was rude

Doesn't mean they should.
An adult, whatever their sex, should know to bring a small present/pitch in with the cooking and clearing/pay for something/try to engage in conversation and with their host's family.
And I'd expect the pitching in and attempts at conversing from older children too.

I think ita case of lifestyles not being compatabile at the moment and don't have him to stay for at least a year.

“It seemed to bring them no joy”

To be fair that’s a fairly usual response for being around other people’s kids. So I think you’re expecting too much there.

All the other stuff was very rude and she’s got no manners. Don’t invite her again. Not thanking for the meals and being on her phone is just awful, I’d have wanted to kick her out sooner for that alone.

I hate it when guests make the bed. She should’ve stripped it ready to be washed.

Lesson learned, don’t have her back round.

Definitely rude! Surely you ensure you’re on your best behaviour when staying (for free) at someone’s place? You would hope so anyway! The no manners thing is incredibly rude!!!

Yes your guest was rude. She should have bought you a gift, showed interest in your child, not slagged your child off, bought you more than starters, helped make some
meals and stripped her bed, not made it at the end.

Don't invite guest again. Very poor behaviour. Not much shown in way of appreciation for all your and dp's efforts. House guests need to try to fit in with whole family including dc.
Don't bother inviting again. I wouĺd feel disappointed too.

I presume you knew what he was like before you invited him to stay in your house for three days.
Now you know for sure to not invite him again for so long.

Completely. Unacceptable to say this about a child in their own home. Where else should she be? If you don't like children and can't bear their company, don't go and stay in a house with children.

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend. And yes she was rude about your child. Finding it exhausting is one thing, but saying thank god she’s gone is unbelievably nasty.

It always blows my mind when people don't comment on a meal you've prepared. I mean first you plan it, then you go shopping, then you cook it. To not say a word about it is weird. Even if you hate it and can't lie, you can still say something positive "Oh thank you very much. This fish is so fresh" or whatever.
Re your daughter, that's a tricky one. I have a group of friends who really aren't into children. They find them annoying and boring. They just don't know how to interact with kids. I've known them 30 years and had very low expectations of them when my children were born. I knew they weren't going to sit with my toddlers and discuss teddies or anything! Some people are just very awkward around kids. Your daughter does sound very sweet and it's good she didn't notice the awkwardness.
I'd say your friend is quite rude and insensitive.

I think your friend sounds generally very rude but I can understand that she might have found spending time with your child really awkward. If you don't want and don't like children, spending time with anyone else's children can be really difficult, particularly if they won't leave you alone. But spending so much time in her phone, not thanking your partner for cooking or complimenting the food is really rude.

It always blows my mind when people don't comment on a meal you've prepared. I mean first you plan it, then you go shopping, then you cook it. To not say a word about it is weird

Agree. My husband and kids always thank me for dinner and I cook for them almost every day. Sometimes they’ll be super enthusiastic about it if they’ve really enjoyed it, sometimes they’ll just say ‘thank you’. It’s hard to imagine not saying anything at all. I had some distant in-laws for a meal a while ago and they didn’t say thanks or comment on the food at all which I found strange. Especially as they had completely cleared their plates and had seconds- and it was a particularly good meal if I do say so myself!

Rude is rude. It would only be more forgivable with a teenager who would have to be shown the error of their ways.

He was the visitor in the child's home. If he couldn't be bothered to be nice to her (or about her to her parents) then he should have booked a Travelodge. In fact I think I would have suggested it when he said that.

How did it distract you? It didn’t change the story.

Well quite.
Someone's sex doesn't make their behaviour more or less rude, so it's irrelevant and not distracting because it's not information you need to have in order to decide whether the behaviour was rude or not.

Can't believe the OP expected her young child to "bring joy" to a childfree man in his 40's.

They do sound rude by not thanking you for meals and not talking to you on car journeys etc.. Only paying for starters could be tight and therefore rude, but perhaps their finances are such that this is all they can offer.

Using their phone a lot is potentially rude, but perhaps they just needed some 'me' time or had other stuff going on and were distracted somewhat.

As for interacting with your child, this really can be exhausting - especially when one has little experience with kids.

I have to say it drives me round the bend when I go to visit friends and their small kids try to monopolise me and the parents don't try to intervene so I can actually talk to the friend I came to see. I like kids a lot, and it's very nice when they show me pictures they've drawn or want to ask me things... But if that persists for hours or for an entire weekend at the expense of adult conversation then it's not much fun for me.

Also, some very small children can be really difficult to understand; slightly older ones ask a zillion questions; and frankly some kids can be incredibly rude and spoilt little so and sos who are unpleasant to be around (not that their parents see that...) and any/all of that is really, really, tiring for adults who aren't their parents.

It sounds like your friend was quite rude, yes, but I also wonder if they were feeling put out that they'd come to see YOU and spent hours and hours on end doing what they saw as 'entertaining' your child, which isn't what they signed up for and which made their weekend hard work.

Obviously he was deeply rude in so many ways, said plenty of times above so no point repeating,

But. A good thing for parents to learn as quick as they possibly can is that the vast majority of adults don't find other people's kids interesting/cute/funny at all.

Most will be polite but it is very unlikely they will be getting any joy out of it.

I know when my kids were smaller and thought my own kids were utterly joyous, and just said the most hilarious thing in the entire history of the world, a quick glance around the other adults in the room will tell you no one else is thinking that. At best they will be smiling politely.

If you're staying at someone's else, enjoying marvellous hospitality then you act interested in their children. Sorry but that is just very basic manners.

If you don't like kids then do not stay in their homes. The house is their home.

I agree with this!

To respond to a few questions:

• He is a work friend I have known for 6 years, I met him just after I started dating my now husband. We recently moved to a new town and he wanted to visit having never been there before (it’s a quaint town with lots to do). He was the one who asked to stay here and made the plans. He has hosted me a few times when I needed a place to stay during work trips and I wanted to extend hospitality towards him as he had done for me prior. We also talk very frequently, albeit virtually, at work.
• Upon reflection and people asking about the phone use, I remembered that we ate dinner I had prepared within about 30 mins after he arrived, which he spent with his phone on the table actively scrolling on it throughout the meal! This happened multiple times while eating other meals.
• Oddly enough he typically does not act this way when he had hosted me before. He never had his phone out, if he did it was at times that made sense or were understandable (ie relaxing after a long day). He also hadn’t struck me as being so rude before. This was the first time however that he had spent extended time with both my husband and daughter. My husband thinks that something about being around my family, and not just me, brought something up for him. He doesn’t want to attribute it to jealousy per se, but my friend is single and has been for a while, and really wants a family of his own.
• He did not bring a gift, nor did he pay for any drinks while at dinner. It wasn’t an expensive meal either, I thought it was cheap of him too.
• I established boundaries with my child and didn’t expect him to incessantly entertain her. It was like ANY attempt from her to want to interact with him was annoying. It put me between a rock and a hard place because I was establishing appropriate expectations with my daughter for interaction, while he wasn’t giving much in return to her. He is the adult and should have recognized that although it is okay to have a limit with kids, to go the ENTIRE day being intolerable of a child is just mean and childish. What’s funny is he talks about wanting a child of his own so badly and that he loves kids.
• When meals were served, he didn’t say anything. One time when breakfast was ready, my husband plated the meals and announced food was ready. He proceeded to sit at the table looking at his phone for at least 5 minutes while the food sat on the kitchen counter without any acknowledgement it was ready, as my husband and I are eating around him. I said “your plate is over there” to which he just said okay, didn’t get up, then minutes later got up to get his plate and sit at the table. He made no comment the entire time after that. I thought, what is going on here why are you acting so miserable??

Hearing a vast majority agree that this was rude behavior has helped me a lot to know I am not being out line, thank you everyone! I spoke with my husband after posting this in great length, and he agreed with everything which brought me to realizing I don’t want to continue this friendship in the same capacity anymore. Him acting vastly different when with my family than he does when it’s just me is inappropriate and not what a real friend would do. Also the apparent rudeness was just too much for me to set aside. Someone commented that he treated it like an AirBnB and ironically I had felt like that and like it wasn’t the dynamic I was looking for. I love to treat my friends and show them a fun time, but to have these repeated patterns throughout soured this friends visit for me.

In the context of him maybe wanting a family etc, I think the behaviour around your child, and the breakfast thing (WTF? That's SO weird) sound like him sulking. Which is not OK; he's an adult and needs to deal with his feelings. Or not come to visit if he doesn't think he can behave appropriately.
Using his phone and not paying for/bringing anything are just plain bad guest manners though. Or maybe he did it deliberately because of his feelings about being around your family, which if so is pretty shitty.

The thing is OP, you've expected a sort of friendly'ish work colleaque to become a friend of your family, complete with young child. You don't really know him that well do you. It's a very different thing to crash at each other's homes as single people. You say you tried to establish appropriate expectations with your child but you have also declared your surprise that she didn't "bring him joy". That statement rather tells me that your expectations of a childfree single man in his 40's was not particularly grounded in reality. Either way, this friendship has run it's course now that you've got a family and I should not pursue it.