Was my weekend guest rude?

[KerryBay]

I hosted my friend for the first time at my home this weekend, they stayed for 3 nights. Each of these days my partner cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner except for one time out for lunch and dinner. Not one of these home cooked meals did they thank me or my partner for preparing them or that they enjoyed it.

Additionally, any free moment spent at the house or when driving with them, they spent buried in their phones playing random games or on social media. If they weren’t on their phones, it was sitting by them the entire time and they would check it constantly or be texting random friends of theirs instead of talking to me. It surprised me as times I have spent with this friend prior at their home they not once did this with their phone.

Lastly, I have a young child who was very excited to see them and I told them in advance she would want to talk to them a lot and show them her stuff. They did say they have very little experience with children, however they acted like any moment my child wanted their attention, it was almost painful for them to engage with her. It didn’t seem to really register with my child, but it hurt my feelings as my child was being very typical for her age and being excited for having a new friend (for her) over at her home. They would still engage with her but I could tell it was very forced, and they did not want to be doing so, it seemed to bring them no joy and instead annoyance. When my child was not present, they would make comments like “thank god she left, that’s exhausting!”. It felt inappropriate to me and I felt guilty for my child being a child.

Some things they did do that were considerate were they made their bed when they left, they did seem to “try their best” to engage with my child despite doing so begrudgingly, and they did pay for our appetizer at dinner.

All things considered though I found myself after they left feeling a little resentful for how they treated my family and I, but I also wonder if I am overthinking it? Thank you in advance for your input.

Very rude not to say thank you for the meals, and only paying for the appetizers when you fed him all weekend was tight (unless he's short of money in which case fair enough).

Reasonable to struggle with a talkative child (I have one of those and struggle at times myself), but rude to say he's glad she's gone out.

I actually think YABU about the phone use. YWNBU of it was a one day visit, but three days is a long time to maintain polite conversation. Absolutely fair enough to disappear into the phone or a book for a while when you're just hanging around the house or in the car. You said yourself it was "any free moment". Different if it was over a meal.

Yes they sound rude and I wouldn’t invite them again.

I wouldn't be inviting him back.

What was the reason for the visit? It does sound rude and like they lack social skills . I wouldn't expect an effusive thank you for every meal during a stay but a quick thank you would be normal and being available to chat is normal ,though having phone near by and occasional checking is fine. Not sure why you told your child they had a new friend coming as that's clearly not the case ,it's your friend and I'd of tried to distract my child from too much chatter towards them. I wouldn't expect a guest to buy me a neal out as it's my choice to host them and how.

Yes rude, I’d let her off for finding it difficult to interact with your child if she hadn’t then made those comments.
Shes not a friend I’d be keeping up with after this.

He sounds ignorant and is lacking in social skills. Chalk it up to experience and don't have him stay again!

When OP said 'new friend (for her)' I assumed she meant friend of OP's that the daughter's not met before so new to the daughter, not that he's actually a new friend for the daughter. Framing a 40 odd year old man as a new friend for a small child would be a bit weird so I'd hope it wasn't that 😬.

I would probably distance myself from him after that, and i definitely would not invite him back.

I wonder why they came to visit at all??
It drives me crazy when people look at their phones constantly at dinner or during a visit. It does send a clear message that the company they are in is boring them and they need a distraction.
If you care about this friendship, I would ask them if everything was OK given how distracted they were. If not, don't bother with the tight fisted, rude git!

Why did he visit?

Is he particularly skint to only pay for pay for your starters? Good manners would dictate to (offer to) pay for both meals out, and maybe a takeaway. Did he bring a gift?

Saying 'thank god she left' about your hosts own child, to the host, is pretty damn rude regardless of experience with children. You think it, you don't say it.

Yeah, right! Easier said than done.

He was very rude. It costs nothing to say thank you and be appreciative about meals someone cooks for you. He should have bought you a present or offered to pay for one of your meals out in entirety.

I get what people are saying about other people's children and it would have been annoying if he'd arranged a lunch out and you turned up with a small child without telling him, but he was staying in your house. What are you supposed to do with her? Extremely rude to make comments about her when she left the room/house.

Some looking at your phone is understandable over a weekend. It can be difficult to maintain chitchat for that length of time. However, constantly scrolling and ignoring you and your husband is very rude too.

I think it tells you all you need to know about this friend.

Really? Why bother visiting then? In a quiet moment, yes. But surely you visit people to hang out with them? Otherwise you might as well stay at home.

Very rude on many levels and mean.
Would never be repeated.
Bet they ask again though.

The comment about your child is unacceptable.
I certainly wouldn't host them again.

3 nights is along time to host anyone especially for the first time when you have no idea about what they are like to live with.

Simply don't have them back ever again and don't host again for 3 days.

As you and your husband cooked for the majority of the 3 days, it wouldn't have hurt if your guest had paid for dinner, rather than just starters. If your friend had been staying in a hotel for 3 nights, it would have cost her much more than the price of starters! Spending time on her phone is rude, especially if it was consistent. As for your child, some people are not 'child orientated' and find interacting with them awkward and difficult. She tried, but clearly didn't find the experience thrilling!! The comments were probably meant light-hearted, and may be it was a way of her expressing the fact she found it awkward. Even so, she should have kept her mouth shut.

All day long for three days is a bit much though. And what OP describes is a quiet moment - hanging around the house or in the car.

Other people's kids are a pain and interrupt conversations relentlessly which is tedious. However to comment on this to you is thoughtless.

The endless phone use and lack of gratitude is rude.

Drop them like a hot potato and move on.

I agree with this. Very rude. Should have bought you a gift too.
I'd like more information however! How long have you known this person? Has anything like this happened before or any signs that it might? Did he seem happy about the pending visit?

I will add that I female early 40s, have little experience with children and am quite awkward around them. I've been blessed recently to have become close to a little girl who is a friends niece, and she has taught me a lot! But generally, I'm not sure what to say or do eith children, what is age appropriate to be like with them etc.

But and it is a big but! Children tend to like me and want to spend time with me which I like, and I make the damn effort for them! Even if I get it slightly wrong at times. My awkwardness/lack of experience is my issue, nobody else's. I certainly would make the effort as a guest at one's house and I most definitely wouldn't be rude about a child to its parent. That is beyond rude, and classless. Who does this man think he is?!

I'm glad your daughter didn't seem to notice the attitude toward her.

Urgh they behaved like a teenager

I'm not sure about the phone use. If just hanging about at someone's house. Depending on if they didn't make an effort to talk to you and fannied about on the phone instead, all the time. Amusing yourself with something be it a phone, book, game or gadget while not much else is going on, is fair enough for some time at least. I agree not if it was constant however.

When you say they never thanked you for a meal what do you mean? What exactly DID they say when you put dinner under their nose?

I’d like more info too OP - 3 days seems like a long stay for a first time overnight guest. How long have you known your friend?