DH withholding baby from me

[Hoorayharry]

I have a baby who is 12 weeks old, he’s generally a chilled baby but has episodes of crying especially in the evenings. I know this is normal but it makes me upset when he won’t stop crying, and a few times I’ve found myself crying with him.

Whenever this happens DH takes him away from me and won’t hand him back. He’s been doing this since baby was about 4 weeks old. It’s starting to make me feel really bad about myself. I am only crying I’m not getting angry or hysterical. DH says I’m in no fit state to hold him. I’m finding it really difficult and want to tell him it goes against my instincts as a mother to have my baby withheld from me. I’m hoping he does it because he’s trying to help me but it would help me more if he handed baby back when I ask? AIBU here?

That is cruel and unusual, he may think he’s helping but you know he’s hurting you. Have you asked him why he does this during a calm moment in the daytime?

You need to address this when no one is crying and not in the moment.

Taking your baby and not giving him back is not okay.

He may be concerned about your emotional state, but this is NOT the way to go about it.

It is okay as a mother to take some time to breathe and have a little cry by yourself.

So if you have another option, I wouldn't be crying whilst holding baby as they are very in tune with you (although it is also normal for it to sometimes happen).

I think your DH is being unreasonable, especially with how it's making you feel... but I think a wider conversation of his intentions needs to happen.

He may think it is best for you and baby, but it is still not okay to handle it like this.

He shouldn't be withholding your baby from you.
That sounds incredibly cruel and it's not normal to separate a baby from it's mother unless the mother is a danger to the baby. And you clearly aren't.
You need to talk to him about this and you need to involve health professionals if he is unwilling to see he has no right to do this.
Do you have any family support?

I mean I guess it depends on what type of crying you do, a single tear down a cheek fine, full on wailing and sobbing where you aren't able to hold the baby properly then he might have a point

What is it about baby's cry that makes you cry, could noise cancelling headphones help to take the shrillness out of it but you can still hold hi and rock him to music you are listening too.

Have a chat with him during a calmer time in the day.

Though, if you are crying then there’s nothing wrong with taking a break. Remember that DH needs some time to learn how to comfort baby too.

It's a bit hard to judge without more context (i.e. is this the only problem, what's DH like otherwise, is he generally a loving, supportive partner?). He could be trying, in a clumsy way, to help you and avoid your mental health suffering. He could also be looking at it from a practical point of view - crying babies generally need a soothing presence and studies have shown that babies and young children look at their caregivers to judge what kind of reaction they should have to things. He might be thinking, again clumsily, that a calm parent might help baby stop crying.

Definitely talk to him in a calm moment.

It sounds emotionally abusive to do this.

This is very strange. He should understand your emotions are probably still very heightened. And if you are not hysterical or upsetting the baby more then what harm is it doing.
Maybe he thinking you are crying because you are not coping and he thinks he is helping?.
I agree with others you need to sit and discuss it when everything is calm. Or maybe together with a health visitor . So they can explain the harm it can do him not giving your baby back .

I can see his logic. If you are crying and distressed the baby will pick up on it and get even more upset.

Try to remain calm when baby cries. You will be in a far better place to comfort him and DH won't feel the need to take him away.

Babies crying is normal, why are you getting so upset over it that you cry?

Maybe he misguidedly thinks he’s helping you?

Why can’t you just take the baby back off him if you are that bothered?

If you're getting distressed and crying when the baby is upset then honestly it does sound like you need a break?
I'd take the opportunity to go and have a bath or a nap and DH could take the baby out in the car/pram so everyone can calm down?

If I cry it’s normally when he’s been screaming for an hour or so and hasn’t stopped, I find it upsetting but I wouldn’t say I’m hysterical and normally it’s when I’ve taken 5 minutes break to breathe and stop crying and come back to take him again that DH won’t hand him back. I’ve tried to tell him how it makes me feel but he just said I’m a state and can’t cope but I don’t think that’s fair.

wtf why is he withholding a newborn baby from you?

Don’t be soft, no it doesn’t

he’s holding his son whilst OP is weepy and emotional. Sounds like communication is lacking but it’s hardly abusive or cruel

It sounds like he won’t give the baby back. He won’t listen to her.

I'm sure he's trying to help. If your baby is crying, then you start crying, you both get stuck in a negative feedback loop and the crying continues. Him taking the baby at this point sounds like he's trying to break the cycle. You need to talk to him when you're both calm.

He shouldn’t be saying that to you but what’s the problem with his dad holding him?

How long does this go on for?

Why is your 3 mo crying for an hour non-stop? Is there a health condition or does it tend to happen at night? Who is the main caregiver? Do you have pnd/pna? Going to be honest here - you crying over the baby crying isn’t normal and my instincts would be the same as your dh that your db might not be 100% safe with you- have you spoken to your GP about this?

Presumably he’s still in the house though? They are small, she can take him?

Unless there's a backstory about his general behaviour, I imagine he's doing it out of concern and possibly his own sanity. The baby is crying, you are sobbing and he finds the whole thing an emotional overload. It is also very fair to say that a sobbing mother is going to upset the baby even more and not make it feel secure. I can understand crying now and then due to tiredness, hormones etc but I think it's fairly unusual to start crying solely because your baby is crying.

Your DH isn't helping but how often are you crying when the baby is crying?

I’d speak to your GP or HV. Maybe you need a bit of support x

I adopted a 3 year old, so never dealt with a baby.

But from your post and update it sounds like the baby has been distressed for over an hour and you can't calm it and getting upset yourself. So he takes over while you go to have a breather and calm yourself down then he won't hand the baby back

What is occurring with the baby at this point. Is it calm now or still distressed?

Sounds a long time for a baby to be obviously distressed, is there an underlying issue?

I agree with some PP that more context needed.

What kind of crying? I think it’s unusual to cry when your baby cries as a matter of course.

I’m not saying he’s right but is he just misguided? What he’s like the rest of the time?

I don’t think withholding the baby is generally appropriate but if he’s worried you’re spiralling into a significant mental health crisis then it could be understandable.

Do you have any mental health issues predating pregnancy? Do you have signs and symptoms of PND?