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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH withholding baby from me

246 replies

Hoorayharry · 16/09/2024 16:20

I have a baby who is 12 weeks old, he’s generally a chilled baby but has episodes of crying especially in the evenings. I know this is normal but it makes me upset when he won’t stop crying, and a few times I’ve found myself crying with him.

Whenever this happens DH takes him away from me and won’t hand him back. He’s been doing this since baby was about 4 weeks old. It’s starting to make me feel really bad about myself. I am only crying I’m not getting angry or hysterical. DH says I’m in no fit state to hold him. I’m finding it really difficult and want to tell him it goes against my instincts as a mother to have my baby withheld from me. I’m hoping he does it because he’s trying to help me but it would help me more if he handed baby back when I ask? AIBU here?

OP posts:
TheOliveGoose · 16/09/2024 16:40

Why can't Dad hold him? Do you withhold the baby from him? Control when he can and can't be involved?

ActualChips · 16/09/2024 16:42

@Createausername1970 'it'?

Original poster
Hoorayharry · 16/09/2024 16:43

He sometimes cries in the evenings, I’m not sure why but we’ve always been told it’s normal. It’s happening less now he’s getting older tbh but now it makes me uneasy when I think he’s going to start. Recently he was unwell so cried a lot at night. When he’s been upset for an hour or more and nothing will settle him yes I find it overwhelming. I think this has happened about 3 times in the last month? He is BF which is why I want to take him back because this does sometimes soothe him.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 16/09/2024 16:43

Also, controversial opinion, I’ve known very few babies to regularly cry for over an hour without an underlying cause.

To do so for weeks suggests an intolerance/allergy/other issue that needs addressing.

My youngest was like that and I was fobbed off repeatedly. He was lactose intolerant and when I finally worked it out and got lactase drops he changed literally overnight.

Inyournewdress · 16/09/2024 16:46

I had a baby with severe reflux and the distressed prolonged crying was excruciating to hear and cope with. I did find myself crying sometimes out of distress at not being able to help my baby. I think the whole sleep deprived, hormonal context didn’t help.

If you are just needing a minute to get yourself together then your partner should absolutely be letting you hold your baby.

Can you give a few more details about the context…any ideas about the cause of the extended crying or what is going through your mind? What do you think your partner sees? Do you agree with his description of what is going on?

sinckersnack · 16/09/2024 16:50

Why can't his father hold him - he needs to do that for the baby, for you and for himself. And if you are getting into a state it's unlikely to calm baby - and stressful for DH when instead he can take him and soothe him. It's not like some random taking your baby away.. his dad is taking a turn.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/09/2024 16:51

It would be fine if he asked if he could hold the baby to give you a break as you were obviously upset, but he shouldn't just take the baby from you and refuse to give it back.

I would speak to your health visitor about this.

Ozanj · 16/09/2024 16:53

Hoorayharry · 16/09/2024 16:43

He sometimes cries in the evenings, I’m not sure why but we’ve always been told it’s normal. It’s happening less now he’s getting older tbh but now it makes me uneasy when I think he’s going to start. Recently he was unwell so cried a lot at night. When he’s been upset for an hour or more and nothing will settle him yes I find it overwhelming. I think this has happened about 3 times in the last month? He is BF which is why I want to take him back because this does sometimes soothe him.

His crying is normal. Yours isn’t. How much sleep are you getting? Have you mentioned this to a GP?

Fastback · 16/09/2024 16:59

Your husband is unbelievably stupid and cruel.

Createausername1970 · 16/09/2024 16:59

ActualChips · 16/09/2024 16:42

@Createausername1970 'it'?

Bingo! I wondered how long it would take. A slip of the tongue on my part. Hardly important in the overall thread though.

biscuitandcake · 16/09/2024 16:59

ThatsNotMyTeen · 16/09/2024 16:35

He shouldn’t be saying that to you but what’s the problem with his dad holding him?

How long does this go on for?

Show quote history

Calling her "a state" her baby is still a newborn. She gave birth recently and is, as is natural, full of hormones. It shows a certain amount of contempt for the completely natural effects of having a baby. It's not nice to talk to the mother of your child like that.

Worriedmummy2400 · 16/09/2024 17:00

That’s cruel and nasty.

muggart · 16/09/2024 17:01

Merryoldgoat · 16/09/2024 16:43

Also, controversial opinion, I’ve known very few babies to regularly cry for over an hour without an underlying cause.

To do so for weeks suggests an intolerance/allergy/other issue that needs addressing.

My youngest was like that and I was fobbed off repeatedly. He was lactose intolerant and when I finally worked it out and got lactase drops he changed literally overnight.

I was thinking this too. My baby was a screamer and it turned out the egg protein in my breastmilk was hurting her as she's allergic.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 16/09/2024 17:02

What else is he doing that upsets you. I’d bet that isn’t the only thing.

Halfemptyhalfling · 16/09/2024 17:02

Sometimes bf babies overfeed in the evening and get tummy ache so they are better with someone else who does not smell of milk in the evening. Evening crying does sort itself out though. You need to work out how to give him to dh before it gets too much for you. Dh taking him from you is the wrong way to go about it

Kizzy192 · 16/09/2024 17:03

Honestly ignore the people saying it's not normal to be crying yourself. You're saying it's approx 3 times in the past month, where baby has been crying for over an hour... its not like it's every time baby whinges! I don't think they are reading your post properly, or you're more empathetic than they are. I get upset too when my 10m old cries for so long. ...I have to say your husbands reactions seems a little cold though. If I'm upset my husband usually gives me a squeeze, offers to take over and gives some words of support (eg you're doing great, etc). I would be furious if he didn't give me my baby back. It's his baby too and there needs to be time for them to bond, absolutely. But the mother is emotionally vulnerable in the year after having a baby... it doesn't sound like he's very understanding. Definitely have a chat when you're both calm and explain how it makes you feel when he does this, your reasons for wanting baby back, and ways he could help. Good luck.

ChampagneLassie · 16/09/2024 17:03

I think chances are baby is just hungry and needs to feed! They tend to cluster feed through evening so they’ve got something to last overnight. Get that baby back!

Coconutter24 · 16/09/2024 17:03

If you are crying because you are overwhelmed and your DH takes the baby why don’t you take 10 minutes to get yourself together. He sounds like he’s doing it to help you because you’re crying. You need to communicate with him how this makes you feel and ask his reason for doing it, if he is doing this with good intent it might make you feel better in the moment. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing this to punish you.

Kizzy192 · 16/09/2024 17:05

Oh and it sounds like the 'witching hour', where baby gets upset and wants to feed constantly (cluster feeding)... its normal and it does settle. If you feel it's something wrong, check in with your GP.

LemonPeonies · 16/09/2024 17:06

Take your baby to the GP if it's ongoing crying despite being clean, fed etc. Could be trapped wind or silent reflux (my DS suffered when he was a baby). I would probably take yourself to the gp too if you're crying that much. I don't agree with him taking the baby and not giving them back but babies can feel mums emotions and it's probably not helpful for you to be wailing over him.

Greyyyybeornot · 16/09/2024 17:10

Sorry op that sounds really weird and controlling of your DH. I wouldn’t stand for that. I feel angry on your behalf.

Milkandtwosugarsplease · 16/09/2024 17:10

OP is he controlling in other aspects? Unless I was a danger to my child I’d be fuming at someone withholding my child from me!
Whilst it’s totally normal to take ten minutes to yourself and it might be needed, no one should be stopping you from holding your child!

SpanielPaws · 16/09/2024 17:12

Mine were horrors most evenings and we used to call it the witching hour.

Next time he does it, don't react - go off, have a bath, make a nice drink, lie on the bed, whatever you choose and let him deal with the baby seeing as he is such an expert and you're apparently not capable of dealing with your own child.

Play him at his own game. I think you'll find he stops pretty sharpish when he doesn't get a reaction from you.

LoubeighLough · 16/09/2024 17:12

It's sounds like he's taking control as you're not dealing too well in the moment.

Parkmybentley · 16/09/2024 17:13

At that stage DH would take over completely and take baby for a walk or just hold and soothe while I went upstairs with ear plugs to at least rest if not sleep.

In the nicest way, there is no point you burning yourself out. You're the primary caregiver for baby 24/7. When nothing you do makes a difference AND your DH (the baby's dad!!!!!!!!!) is on hand to take over, LET HIM.