DH withholding baby from me

[Hoorayharry]

I have a baby who is 12 weeks old, he’s generally a chilled baby but has episodes of crying especially in the evenings. I know this is normal but it makes me upset when he won’t stop crying, and a few times I’ve found myself crying with him.

Whenever this happens DH takes him away from me and won’t hand him back. He’s been doing this since baby was about 4 weeks old. It’s starting to make me feel really bad about myself. I am only crying I’m not getting angry or hysterical. DH says I’m in no fit state to hold him. I’m finding it really difficult and want to tell him it goes against my instincts as a mother to have my baby withheld from me. I’m hoping he does it because he’s trying to help me but it would help me more if he handed baby back when I ask? AIBU here?

Maybe he doesn't like your tone when you demand his baby back and it feels mean that having failed to settle the baby for an hour you are refusing to let him try? Really in the cold light of day you need to talk about it and make a plan for how you are going to handle it that involves you both parenting. You take the first half hour for instance and try and feed them, if that doesn't work then dad does the next half an hour.

Expecting someone to sit around for hours listening to their baby cry and not having a chance to try and soothe them is cruel. It won't harm baby to let Dad try but it will harm your relationship and the relationship between baby and dad if you don't stop trying to control things.

FFS

I'm sure the dh would be more "unbelievably stupid and cruel" if he stormed out in the huff because of mother and babies tears.🙄

I was also wondering if baby settles while with their dad.

Have you spoken to him about his tone when speaking to you and how it upsets you?

I'm glad I'm not the only one that was thinking this.

It sounds like we're only talking about a handful of occasions, too.

Ooih, sorry baby's. I am aware there is only one (baby) before I get jumped on by the grammar/spelling committee

So is the baby settled with DH?

You are just projecting your own issues.

There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re not coping with your own baby.

The fact that the baby won’t settle is already making you feel like a failure and it’s why you get so emotional.

Your DH stepping in when you get upset is making you feel worse because you think he thinks you can’t cope too.

If you are upset, then the best thing DH can do is take the baby.

You should go away for a few minutes and calm down.

Once calm then you can go back and see if DH wants you to take over or not.

Stopping the baby crying is his responsibility too.
Don’t feel guilty that he is sometimes doing it because so he should be.

Some weird replies on here.
It’s normal for your husband to take the baby, it’s not normal for him to refuse to give the baby back when asked, especially if the baby is breastfed.

This happened a couple of times with my partner and a therapist told him it’s really not OK to do that as new mums have all these hormones and are on high alert and it can make them panic. It certainly made me panic, even if I trusted him completely in normal times. But these were fraught times when our cortisol was both raised from the baby crying a lot, which is intended to be stressful and to make you feel rubbish. It’s evolution. Crying after your baby cries for a long period of time without being soothed is normal! It’s supposed to alarm you so that you can tend to the baby.

However, I would look into the cause of it if it doesn’t pass very soon. Reflux? Tongue tie? Talk to GP. Some will dismiss it as colic which doesn’t actually exist but if you’re pushy they can test for intolerances etc.

As for your husband, perhaps show him this post. I’m sure he loves you and the baby very much and doesn’t realise that what he is doing is causing you a massive panic over which you have no control!

Trying to console a baby when you’re crying yourself isn’t ideal. Your husband could be a bit more understanding about it though. If my husband was walking with a crying baby crying himself I’d 100% take the baby and not give them back until he’d stopped. Babies pick up on this stuff.

Wow, this thread! I imagine your dh is merely trying to help all of you in this situation. It will be upsetting for him to see his son crying for over an hour and to see you crying then too. I have to say, as harsh as this sounds, baby is not going to settle with you crying too! They do pick up on your emotions. You all sound at the end of your tether. Talk through it when you are all settled and calm. For those saying an allergy of some kind .. not necessarily, my dd cried constantly, literally just because she could! Nothing wrong with her, she just was a terrible, terrible baby 🤷‍♀️ My other dd had CMPA, didn’t cry with it, just had absolutely horrendous nappies, literally runny water diarrhoea.

There is an awful lot of unwarranted blame on the OP's DH here.
@Hoorayharry it might be normal to be a bit emotional and cry on occasion, but from what I've read here you are crying a lot. Your DH is, or should be, equally well able to settle the baby - you don't need to take the baby back because you have now stopped crying. You are getting stressed before the baby even starts crying, and I imagine baby is picking up on this.

Stop arguing with your DH, let him have the baby for a while - go and run yourself a nice bath, read a book, watch some fluff on TV, get out for a walk, talk to a friend - whatever it is that relaxes you. Then when you are actually calm, not when you've stopped crying for 5 minutes, talk to him.

Also, consider talking to your GP/health visitor - your level of crying does not sound normal.

Im afraid there is something here that feels very wrong. If your crying is just shedding an odd tear, not weeping uncontrollably, I’m sorry I feel there is something deeply wrong with your relationship and that your husband is very controlling. Maybe you need to talk through this ( and other issues) with a therapist or someone professional who can take an overall view. Maybe your HV as someone else suggested.

That's a horrible thing he's doing.

It sounds like your baby has reflux. I think it’s normal to be upset when your baby is upset. I remember breaking out in a sweat and feeling sick if my baby was crying.

You need to say to him, thanks for holding the baby but when I ask for the baby back, you have to give the baby back to me as I am breastfeeding. If you don’t you are making the situation worse.

Most babies have a crying 'witching hour' it's horrible and exhausting but taking baby off you isn't going to help you find your rhythm with what works to soothe LO and baby is probably crying for you.

Rather than you having an hour of relentless crying could you agree to take turns to try to settle the baby for 15 mins each, and when it isn't your 15 mins completely remove yourself from the situation so you all stay calm?

I do see his point a bit OP. My son cried A LOT with undiagnosed allergies and I didn’t cry purely because I thought if we were both crying who would be in control? I needed to be strong for baby. Of course I did find it tough and maybe take 5 mins away while he was safely in his cot. I do think holding a baby crying while you are crying isn’t really solving anything

She's had over an hour to settle the baby and is crying at the point dh gives it a go. Maybe he needs the opportunity to find his rhythm and soothe his child

Why are you crying op?

it makes me uneasy when I think he’s going to start. Recently he was unwell so cried a lot at night. When he’s been upset for an hour or more and nothing will settle him yes I find it overwhelming

And this is possibly what your DH is picking up on? - you are overwhelmed and he doesn't want you become overwhelmed again until he's absolutely sure you're ok?

most of us are saying the same thing re babies crying and us crying as well!

If you're overwhelmed and crying in front of your baby because you can't cope, then your DH is right to try and give you a break.

And he's right to check you're fully able to come back and care for LO.

Babies are so attuned with their mothers and their emotions .......... they will pick up on your upset - so is your DH merely trying to provide stability and calm?

It's not good for you and it's certainly not good for your baby to have a mother who cries when holding them.... despite what your NCT group may think, it is NOT ok.

I'm not sure that PP who think your DH is being abusive / controlling / a cunt actually understand the situation.

Emotions are always heightened where our children are concerned - please try and find time to sit down with your DH and talk about it??

This abusive and controlling and needs to stop immediately.

Do not feel bad about crying when the baby cries. This is normal (don't let anyone tell you different) and there is nothing wrong with it. This will get easier.

You need to speak to your husband when no one is crying and get him to understand why this is unacceptable and unhelpful. If he continues I would consider seeking support from the health visitor

He's probably beside himself listening to it and not being allowed to help. Dads find their babies crying distressing too. You (understandably) can't stick it for more than a few minutes before asking for the baby back but he's listening helpless for an hour! If he's not otherwise a dickhead I'd assume he's trying to help you both.

No one's their best selves when their baby is screaming, male or female.

I was thinking the exact same thing. He hears it too but you keep the baby. After an hour you get upset and now his wife and his baby are crying. So he feels he has to step in .
That has to be upsetting for him too!!

His delivery is crap he could do a much better job there but I can see both your frustrations.

It is an absolutely empathic response and can be linked to hormones. Please don't make damaging statements to new mothers with the tone of an expert when you clearly have very little understanding

They don’t get it, but I think he’s trying his best for you both.

it’s okay to step away for a few minutes if you need to. It doesn’t feel good, but put baby somewhere safe and make a drink/go to the loo alone/eat a snack or something. Baby will be fine, and you’ll feel more ready to go back in.