DH withholding baby from me

[Hoorayharry]

I have a baby who is 12 weeks old, he’s generally a chilled baby but has episodes of crying especially in the evenings. I know this is normal but it makes me upset when he won’t stop crying, and a few times I’ve found myself crying with him.

Whenever this happens DH takes him away from me and won’t hand him back. He’s been doing this since baby was about 4 weeks old. It’s starting to make me feel really bad about myself. I am only crying I’m not getting angry or hysterical. DH says I’m in no fit state to hold him. I’m finding it really difficult and want to tell him it goes against my instincts as a mother to have my baby withheld from me. I’m hoping he does it because he’s trying to help me but it would help me more if he handed baby back when I ask? AIBU here?

Christ. Mumsnet is something else.

Yeah, this tbh.

Sounds like you need psychological help, OP. Can you speak to your health visitor or GP?

I can remember crying when my newborn DS1 was crying and my mum saying "hand me that baby". As soon as she took him & soothed him for a few seconds, he quit crying. My 'upset' was contributing to his 'upset', he sensed it. My mum was calm and he picked up on that, too.

I guess my question is do you feel he's doing this simply to be cruel or to make you feel inadequate or does he sincerely believe that you need to calm yourself down before taking the baby back?

DH and I often 'tag teamed' our sons when they just didn't want to settle. We are both equally 'the parents' so our sons were pretty much fine with either of us unless they were hungry, then I was 'necessary' and DH 'surplus to requirements'.

This

Withholding the baby 🤣 Hes not doing that

A baby who has cried non stop for an hour with one parent, needs to have a change of parent who can try something new to soothe the baby

If BFeeding hasn't worked for an hour I'm not sure how it's going to work suddenly just because Dad now has the baby 🙄

This sounds like “the witching hour” when newborns cry in the evening time. Perhaps some sort of overstimulation etc. Not all children do it but it’s perfectly normal. Personally I think it’s very cruel of your partner to exert his authority and withhold your baby. I suggest next time it happens when you are getting upset you could try putting baby in a sling or pram and going for a walk around the garden/neighbourhood, maybe sing some songs or repeat nursery rhymes. Yes you will look batshit but those who’ve been there know.

Why wouldn’t you take a break if you’ve worked yourself into enough of a state that you’re crying because your baby is?

‘Withholding’ sounds terribly dramatic! Your baby is crying, you are crying, and your husband sees that and steps in to help. You then want the baby back. Not unreasonable, but then again, he wasn’t being unreasonable either. An upset Mum makes the baby upset too.

How about using that child free time for a bath, or a cup of tea you actually manage to drink hot, or a lie down? Or even a darn good cry, no holding back!

But I do think you need to talk about it to him in the day, when you are both calmer. Ask him why he does it, what are his thoughts when he does it. You may be surprised to hear he hates seeing you both upset and is trying to help.

I think he is BU.
Babies cry, and that cry is literally designed to be distressing to some degree to rouse their primary care giver in to helping. We wouldn’t feel a sense of urgency to soothe them if they didn’t cry like they do. Doesn’t sound like an abnormal reaction to me OP. You’re doing fine. Tell your husband he needs to give you your baby back!

You need to get over the idea that this is just your baby. You are equal parents and presumably you get a lot more time and cuddles during the day. Dh was always desperate for a cuddle when he got in and I was glad of the break. I assume you don't see yourself as withholding the baby from him when during the first hour, well he's not withholding from you either. He's parenting and that's great.

There’s been a big push over the last couple of years to educate parents about babies crying and what is normal, it’s to try and encourage people to recognise when they need to take a break and walk away instead of staying and getting frustrated and potentially harming their baby.

OP with all kindness, it sounds like
your husband is trying to help. Perhaps you need to change your current routine, maybe let dad try to settle him after his evening feed so you don’t get into the loop of him crying, you crying, dad taking him away, you feeling even worse. Unless there’s a huge back story of him being manipulative and controlling, talk to him. Discuss between yourselves what could work better and how you can work together instead of against each other. I also really don’t think crying (yourself) every night with the baby is normal so maybe you do need his support.

I think it’s the tone when he takes baby that I don’t like, obviously I know he’s a parent too? It’s not done out of concern it’s done out of ‘look you can’t cope and you’re a mess so go away’ which feels mean?

It's both of their baby ffs

Also I didn’t say it’s every night I said baby cries every night I have only got upset a few nights in the last month when I’ve been especially sleep deprived and it’s gone on longer than usual

He's probably beside himself listening to it and not being allowed to help. Dads find their babies crying distressing too. You (understandably) can't stick it for more than a few minutes before asking for the baby back but he's listening helpless for an hour! If he's not otherwise a dickhead I'd assume he's trying to help you both.

No one's their best selves when their baby is screaming, male or female.

If you're upset and sleep deprived it's more of a reason to let dh pick up more of the parenting. Pass the baby over and have a nap. This time is about survival and tag teaming and most importantly giving both of you time and space to parent and bond.

OP, does the baby calm after DH gets involved or is the baby still distressed?

Similar here only it was Tongue Tie. Next one arrived without Tongue Tie and I couldn't believe the difference.

It sounds like you are struggling and he is being sensible... midwives often do this too when you start crying.

Use that time to rest and breath, you can be a good mam without it being 24/7. he is (I'm assume logically) the babies dad so 50/50 responsible for him, you didn't make the baby entirely alone and he should be perfectly capable of watching his own child too. Nobody is 'stealing YOUR baby' he is just doing his part in looking after HIS child when his wife is so overwhelmed shes crying. Its a good green flag.

Honestly unless there some drip about him being a controlling serial abuser who kidnapped his previous kids or something insane then it sounds like hes a keeper who is looking out for you and pulling his weight as he should (but many unfortunately don't).

Being so overwhelmed you cry is very common right after birth but 12 weeks in a little more unusual, maybe mention it to your midwife/health visitor... they will NOT take your baby away (especially not as you have a supportive husband) but they may be able to help. I know I was scared of that too and looking back I had bad anxiety but the fear made me not seek help for it. You don't need to live with the fear and those thoughts of having to do it all alone though.

Do not blame yourself with your baby crying, it’s quite normal, My three babies all cried in the evening. Don’t upset yourself. One wanted an extra feed nearly on top of the last one and then settle, second one a 20 minute ride in the car/ walk in the pushchair to fall asleep (neighbours used to laugh) and the third one I’d lay on the bed and have her on top lay, her on her tummy on mine, skin to skin to calm her. Good luck, it doesn’t last a lifetime.

Crying for an hour is not normal (or not normal in the sense that nothing’s wrong). Regularly crying for that long suggests that something is going on (be that being over tired from lack of sleep during the day or some kind of intolerance causing discomfort).

but there’s a lot to unpick here. Crying that’s not relieved by cuddles or milk, mum crying and then dad taking baby away. I don’t know where to start as my babies never cried for more than a few minutes (boob always cheered them up) and I can’t imagine crying because they were crying. But having said that if they cried for an hour that would have sent me over the edge.

I can see why someone might think it’s better for the baby if they are looked after by someone who loves them and isn’t crying. (And I’m not sure I disagree — this hurts you, but is it better for your baby if DH takes them?)

But the not giving him back once you’re calm seems a bit controlling if it’s every time. How calm are you, really? Have you fully calmed down or just managed to pull things back to the brink? Also, does your DH get to hold the baby when he wants at other times? Is he using this as an excuse to get in time with the baby he doesn’t feel able to insist on at other times? Agree with others that you need a sit down and talk about this when you are both calm and haven’t just been engaging in a back and forth over holding the baby.

Disagree

I think it’s the tone and the not giving baby back rather than him wanting to soothe. If he said ‘I’ve got this, go outside/grab a drink/take a short walk’ then I think that’s exactly fair and right. If he isn’t showing compassion and the OP feels judged and restricted from her baby (who is BF and may want to feed or have some comfort) without the additional support then he’s being a dick. It’s like telling someone upset or angry to calm down, it doesn’t help.

No, wrong!!
The bingo was won upthread when dh was labelled emotionally abusive