DH withholding baby from me

[Hoorayharry]

I have a baby who is 12 weeks old, he’s generally a chilled baby but has episodes of crying especially in the evenings. I know this is normal but it makes me upset when he won’t stop crying, and a few times I’ve found myself crying with him.

Whenever this happens DH takes him away from me and won’t hand him back. He’s been doing this since baby was about 4 weeks old. It’s starting to make me feel really bad about myself. I am only crying I’m not getting angry or hysterical. DH says I’m in no fit state to hold him. I’m finding it really difficult and want to tell him it goes against my instincts as a mother to have my baby withheld from me. I’m hoping he does it because he’s trying to help me but it would help me more if he handed baby back when I ask? AIBU here?

One of mine would scream at night with reflux. Hours on end. I never cried though. It sounds like you need some help which your DH sounds like he is trying to do. I see nothing wrong with someone taking over when you are clearly overwhelmed.

Why cant he try and help settle the baby before you get that upset? That would be more useful than him taking baby as some sort of punishment for you crying.

It sounds like he's trying to give you some time out. It's his baby too and its right that he steps up and deals with some of the distress and has a go at settling little one himself, and if you are no longer calm he is probably more likely to succeed at that point. Take the help. It sounds like by that point of the day if it's been a hard day you and baby are both getting upset and overtired. It's good that he's prepared to step in. For this post there are probably another 10 on here saying that he never helps with the hard stuff, he never deals with the crying, I have to deal with it all day and even when he's at home he doesn't help etc etc. The focus needs to be on little one having a calm parent to settle them.

How about trying loop earplugs? That takes out the most shrill notes - the ones that cut right through into the core of your being (yep, been there) - and could help you stay calmer in the first place.

Partner shouldn’t be behaving like this. He’s infantilising you and being controlling. If his aim is to reduce the stress levels in the house he’s doing the opposite. I’m concerned for you. I also think having a bit of a weep/sob when you’re exhausted and overwhelmed is not abnormal and not necessarily bad for the baby if it’s a release if emotion rather than you getting very upset, you are the only one who knows but your Nct friends aren’t concerned so that’s significant.

You should definitely allow him to help with the baby, he needs to be able to do this and
people tend to be controlling when they are afraid, so I think try to have a sensible chat about it when it’s not actually happening. if he won’t engage in another alternative plan, for example, he could take the baby for a big walk after half an hour or whatever, and just insists that he takes the baby and is gatekeeper after this- then that is definitely unreasonable.

I’ve finally escaped a decade-long controlling relationship and it started with stuff like this. I left him when our child was 2 but because of the family courts I remained trapped in it. Can be quite subtle at the beginning

After doing the first year with a baby with colic and silent reflux on my own as DP was constantly working 2 jobs to keep us afloat, I would have been grateful for a break. Use it to your advantage and take a bath. Screaming babies are stressful and it’s not nice to be continuously listening to it. I think he’s trying to help to be honest.

It's totally, totally wrong of him to withhold the baby from you. Red flag, run for the hills

I think it’s wrong he’s not giving the baby back.

I also don’t think your baby should be crying for an hour.. have you seen a GP? It’s very possible baby has reflux or another issue.
So don’t just accept that’s normal. Baby isn’t calm - try and find out why.

But your DH should definitely give baby back imo. X

Agree with pps your DH needs to learn how to handle baby but not at the times baby is screaming and everyone is stressed and only at 12 weeks. There’s plenty of time for dad to learn. Nonsense for it to be forced on you and now in these situations.. put your foot down. X

I don’t understand what the problem is. Baby is crying for a long period of time which undoubtedly makes you feel overwhelmed. Husband takes baby to give you a break. Isn’t it good for someone else to take over when feeling overwhelmed with baby? That is generally the advice. It’s good that he is responsive. Sometimes people on the outside can see when we are not doing too well- maybe that’s what your husband is seeing. Don’t forget, he is the dad and has every right to the baby. Unless, of course there is some other issue with your relationship which you haven’t shared.

Are you sure he is withholding the child from you the crying how does that transpired could he maybe be concerned about your emotional state and there feels he is safe guarding you and the baby have you tried to talk to him about this

Sorry haven't RTFT, only scanned your own posts OP. I'm sure I'm repeating what others have said.

He's not going about this in the right way, but he's also not wrong.

If the baby has been crying for an hour and you've reached the point where you're crying yourself (we've all been there, Christ those early days are brutal aren't they), then you need a break.

That's why babies have two parents - so their spirit can break in shifts.

It's also really really important for all three of you that your DH learns to settle the baby and the baby learns to be settled by their dad.

I know it's awful to listen to your baby screaming, but let's face it, they'd be screaming on you too and you need a break. Taking a break when there's a loving and willing parent right there to take over is being a good mum. Your baby needs you to take care of yourself.

It’s not always colic and reflux. My DS did this and was perfectly fine at all other times. It would start at bedtime - anytime between 7pm and midnight and would last for hours. It’s a very highly stressful situation to be in. Have a talk during the day about strategies for both of you to cope/take a break.

P – Peak crying: Your baby might cry more each week, the most in the second month, then less in months three to five
U – Unexpected: crying can come and go and you don’t know why
R – Resists soothing: your baby might not stop crying no matter what you try
P – Pain-like face: a crying baby might look like they’re in pain, even when they’re not
L – Long lasting: crying can last as long as five hours a day or more
E – Evening: your baby might cry more in the late afternoon and evening

cypf.berkshirehealthcare.nhs.uk/health-and-development/your-baby-and-you/crying/#:~:text=Prolonged%20crying%20in%20an%20otherwise,about%20three%20to%20five%20months.

Sadly an hour of crying is nothing unusual for many many babies.

I've got a 12 wk old as well! It is devastating when baby just cries and cries, I know with mine if she doesn't settle and it's intense red-in-the-face crying it's because she's tired and doesn't know how to settle herself to sleep yet. Do you know why yours cries?

As others have said, maybe your partner feels like he's helping. But you definitely need to have a sit down discussion when you are both emotionally ok in that moment.

I know how difficult this is to even find the time when both of you are juggling all your responsibilities but it's so important.

It's called witching hour for a reason! Cluster feeding and colic etc is quite normal. Colief drops given just before a feed can work wonders if it is colic, and there are no side effects so well worth giving it a try.

💯💯💯. There is nothing wrong with dad holding the baby. Soon she will be complaining dad doesn't have a bond with baby and leaves it all to her

We did antenatal classes and they talked a lot about crying in the evenings, in fact at most places (hospital midwife etc) we were given all sorts of leaflets about it. Is this a new thing? Yes they said to put baby down for a minute if you’re overwhelmed which I am doing but then obviously DH won’t hand him back. He will take him in another room if I try to take him.

When this happens do you go away and calm yourself down and then come back when you’re calm?

Does he refuse to give the baby back even though you’ve stopped crying and you’re calm?

So does the baby calm when he takes him? Why not take the opportunity to go have a shower/cuppa/walk/snooze , go calm down and let him deal with the baby? It sounds like he wants to help, so let him.

And she is REFUSING to let Dad settle his baby after she has tried and presumably he has had to sit and listen to the crying for an hour. Do you not see how incredibly frustrating it must be for him? His baby crying for an hour, his wife crying and he isn't allowed to do anything? He's what? Just supposed to sit and watch the shit show play out every time? If it was my baby there is no way I'm sitting on the sidelines watching and listening this play out every evening without trying to sooth my kid.

Dad is holding his baby to calm him while mum is crying and baby has been crying for over an hour. How on earth is anyone seeing this as abusive. He's not "withholding" his baby, he is parenting, he isn't leaving the house, he is calming and holding his baby.
Sound like mum may not be hysterical but it's not just tears in her eyes so why shouldn't dad want to calm his distressed child. He is clearly NOT withholding baby as baby has be crying in mums arms for over an hour.

It's so hard to tell from here, but your DH could be a dick or he could be fighting hard for you here. We used to take it in shifts, although neither of us could manage an hour. He should be doing half of it, not the odd minute here and there. By forcing you to take a break, your DH is looking after your welfare.

Tbf if your crying its best the dad takes the baby. Babies can pick up your emotions tis why you can't settle them