DH withholding baby from me

[Hoorayharry]

I have a baby who is 12 weeks old, he’s generally a chilled baby but has episodes of crying especially in the evenings. I know this is normal but it makes me upset when he won’t stop crying, and a few times I’ve found myself crying with him.

Whenever this happens DH takes him away from me and won’t hand him back. He’s been doing this since baby was about 4 weeks old. It’s starting to make me feel really bad about myself. I am only crying I’m not getting angry or hysterical. DH says I’m in no fit state to hold him. I’m finding it really difficult and want to tell him it goes against my instincts as a mother to have my baby withheld from me. I’m hoping he does it because he’s trying to help me but it would help me more if he handed baby back when I ask? AIBU here?

I completely disagree. A crying mother is not going to be calming for the baby. Anyway, it could well be that he is very concerned about the OP too and just trying to give her a real break when he can see she can no longer cope. It’s not as if he’s a stranger - it’s his own baby!

If the OP had said that the baby's father did nothing to try and help his distressed wife then he would also have been pilloried. Sounds to me like he's trying to keep his baby safe.

i didn’t think it was unusual for it to upset me tbh, in my NCT group the babies are a similar age and most of us are saying the same thing re babies crying and us crying as well!

Is your husband able to settle the baby? It sounds like he leaves you to deal with it alone for an hour then takes baby off you as punishment for failing. Or is he genuinely trying to help? If so why not help before then for example by asking if you are ok, what do you need, how can I help, what can we do about baby?

When our newborns did this, I’d sit in a dark room with white noise blasting and breastfeed.

They’re usually totally overstimulated by the end of the day and need a womb like environment.

Not okay for him to just take the baby off you really.

OP this isn't exactly the advice you are after but I'll tell you my 4th baby was like this- cried in the evenings for hours and I could do nothing to soothe her... getting her bedtime routine down at 4pm and swaddling her got her to sleep for most of the late afternoon and evening and then she would wake for a feed and go back to sleep... she was hugely sleep deprived and crying from tiredness. None of my others were like this. Give it a go! I went from feeling like a complete failure as a mum (and I had done 3 previously so knew what I should be doing) to feeling like a superstar!

It might be worth asking your health visitor for a chat. Both because they can offer access to help if you are overwhelmed or need some support and because your husband might benefit from ‘a professional’ offering reassurance and explaining the ways he can support you and baby.

Taking your baby and not giving him back is not okay.

It's his baby too. Op if you've been with a screaming baby for an hour then of course your husband should try to settle him. Maybe he could go about it a different way but nothing in your posts suggests he's out of order.

I was literally going to type this, the only baby i know to cry for an hour with no calming down was my child - who had CMPA and various other allergies.

Does your child have bad nappies, lots of knees to chest, rashes, or reflux?

may be worth looking into allergies

OP has clearly said this happens when she goes back to get baby AFTER she's composed herself, that's when he says those cruel jibes at her that she's a "state" and "can't cope". Honestly, he sounds nasty.

She has also said she then wants to put baby to breast to help soothe him, yet her husband is refusing to give her the baby back. Fathers stopping breastfeeding is actually considered domestic abuse. The father is deliberately stopping her having her baby back to put to the breast after she has composed herself, he then taunts her with cruel jibes. This is not ok.

To me, he sounds cruel and abusive. I would be furious if my husband ever stopped me having my baby back to feed.

His behaviour really isn't ok.

No I don't think it's normal OP.

I think if it’s a tear or two welling up in your eye and you feel in control, it’s no problem for you to hold the baby.

If you’re a blubbing mess and clearly overwhelmed (as you say you are tbf), I think it’s sensible for someone else to hold the baby until you’ve calmed down.

But I do think it’s unkind of him to say you’re not coping. Unless he is in some roundabout way suggesting you need some additional help. I didn’t recognise my PND for a few months and it was a revelation.

I also had to BF almost continuously every evening and found it emotionally and physically exhausting. We resisted using dummies, but bought one in desperation one camping trip and it was a game changer.

Not sure if they’re still going, but I also found CRY-sis very helpful (for crying babies, not us!).

It’s very normal - it’s called colic. Both of mine had it - DS1 worse. Every evening for over an hour. Crying, sometimes screaming. Faded and then went by 12 weeks. He clearly had griping stomach pain.

OO, you need to rsysd this with your HV. Your H should not be withholding baby when you’ve calmed down - but I can see why he takes him when you’re crying. Mine would have done.

Maybe think of it the other way around. If he started crying after looking after the baby for a while and you took the baby would you then give him back after 5 minutes. Maybe it is his way of giving you a break.

The witching hour is very much a well documented phenomenon. Or are you saying it's not normal for a mother to be upset when her newborn has been crying for an hour plus? 🤔

I don’t remember ever doing this, honestly. And I was frazzled to hell some nights.

If your crying every night because your baby is then yes it sounds like you need some support, if dh takes baby why do only let him settle baby for 5 mins? Leave dh to settle baby longer.

Oh it's so stressful. My eldest would cry for up to 3 hours in the evenings for about a month or so and it was really bad but just to reassure you he absolutely did grow out of it!!! Me and DH had to take it in shifts. I deffo cried but also had PND so don't know whether considered "normal" or not - but I personally think very reasonable to feel anxious/upset after an hour of rocking an upset baby. DH is likely trying to help but you maybe just need to have a chat about how you feel and how to communicate about it? Hugs to you, it's hard xx

Crying is a normal emotional reaction and can have some health benefits. It can release endorphins and helps the person to self-soothe. It's certainly normal in the circumstances described by OP.

Yes but he’s refusing to give a mother her crying, breastfeeding newborn baby back.

That’s what’s problematic here.

If he was doing it with kindness “let me help you, I’ll take the baby while you have a lie down” that would be an entirely different scenario. He’s not - he’s undermining her by telling her she can’t cope and refusing to let her hold her own baby.

I’m sorry, but that’s just not ok. Unless, of course, OP was an abusive parent which isn’t the scenario she has described.

Definitely rule out any underlying conditions first to be on the safe side but the reason babies cry in the evenings is to feed more so as to increase your supply of milk for night feeds. It’s totally normal. (Also, normal to feel frustrated and exhausted and to need partner to take over for a while)

I would try giving extra or longer evening feeds for a few days and see if the change in routine makes baby a bit more chilled and boosts your supply a bit.

The consistency of Bmilk changes through the day and often has more fat content in the evenings which is another reason they may cry for more feeds. The sound of crying also helps your milk let down.

Alternatively, you could see if eating a more filling tea helps.

I BFed for two years (didn’t think I’d make six months in the beginning lol but luckily it got easier) DD would have massive growth spurts and want to feed loads am I’d often end up passing to DH for 15/20mins to run a hot shower over my boobs to stimulate more milk.
laleche.org.uk/breastfeeding-at-night/

OK but presumably she has been trying to put the baby to her breast for the past hour and it hasn't worked? There is nothing wrong with letting dad have a go at soothing the baby, sometimes it just takes a different touch. Having someone jump in fresh who is calm and caring won't do the baby any harm. Insisting Dad can't try and settle their own baby when mum has been trying for an hour and is now bawling makes no sense at all and comes across as controlling. It's ridiculous that the op won't give the dad a chance to parent his own child.

OP - your baby probably is colic. I have a 6 month old and she was screaming a lot virtually every evening from about 2- 4 months.

She is much calmer now, so try to keep perspective and remember there is an end in sight. My baby has also been exclusively breastfed and there were many nights where it seemed like she was just constantly feeding for hours. (cluster feeding) Obviously you are sleep deprived and it IS very stressful when your baby has been crying for an hour and you've tried to everything you can, but they still won't settle. It's quite natural for mum to get upset about this sometimes.

Perhaps some of the posters never had babies like this or it has been a long time but I have great sympathy for you OP because I have cried a few times when my baby has been like this too... Hang in there x

There's a big difference between a dad being helpful and trying to soothe his baby, giving mum a needed break, and a dad who tells his wife she's "a state", who "can't cope", and REFUSES to let her have her baby back after she's composed herself.

Two very different things here.

He sounds like a cunt. My sympathies x

I disagree with others that you crying is necessarily distressing to baby. Baby is already distressed and your crying is showing empathy, connection and love. There is nothing wrong with crying at any age.

Babies don't cry for no reason and I think regular prolonged screaming at this stage needs to be investigated. Could he have reflux/some sort of milk allergy?