DH withholding baby from me

[Hoorayharry]

I have a baby who is 12 weeks old, he’s generally a chilled baby but has episodes of crying especially in the evenings. I know this is normal but it makes me upset when he won’t stop crying, and a few times I’ve found myself crying with him.

Whenever this happens DH takes him away from me and won’t hand him back. He’s been doing this since baby was about 4 weeks old. It’s starting to make me feel really bad about myself. I am only crying I’m not getting angry or hysterical. DH says I’m in no fit state to hold him. I’m finding it really difficult and want to tell him it goes against my instincts as a mother to have my baby withheld from me. I’m hoping he does it because he’s trying to help me but it would help me more if he handed baby back when I ask? AIBU here?

I agree with your husband. Let him take care of the baby until you get through this phase. Go for a walk, listen to music, take a nice bath, do something to take your mind away from the situation. Are you suffering from ppd by chance? Good luck to you.

I would say he’s trying to help. I struggled when my girl twin had colic. I was at breaking point, crying and shaking. He would take her and tell me to leave the room. At the time I took this as an insult, him insinuating I couldn’t cope. 2 years later on reflection he was really trying to help and knew me well enough to know I was at breaking point.

I would worry about your crying reaction. It could be part of post natal depression. Talk to your health visitor or your go about it. They will be able to help.

I highly highly recommend buying a snugglebundl it’s a hammock type thing where you can gently swing your baby. I loved it so much I bought 4 more so I was never without one. If you have a crying baby and they’re not hungry etc etc then the swinging motion calms them they’re like a miracle. It’ll save your sanity and your husband won’t have to take your baby from you. Good luck. X

@Gems2k and your husband won’t have to take your* baby from you.*

Except it’s just as much the husband’s baby as it is OP’s.

Hell no to that. Demand your baby back, no negotiations. That’s very toxic to you and your baby.

Your child has not separated from you as their mother yet. You are one.

You cry because your feelings are that in tune with your child. You calm, baby calms and vice versa. When I first had my son I didn’t realise he would feed off my emotions and I would feed off his, so also make sure you’re doing as well as you can mentally.

This made me feel physically panicky at the idea and I really disagree with everyone saying it's normal for your DH to do this...

I can't imagine anything worse than asking to hold my baby and being told no. It's not OK - your body, your milk, your mind, is aching for to hold it. It's what it was designed to do (lots of biology to back that up - you're not mad or over-emtional to feel that!). Is there a third party you trust to represent you on this? A trusted friend? Who can explain how clasutrophobic and threatening that witholding would feel. It's patronising and infantilising. Not OK.

Why are you crying with baby? Are you feeling down generally or is it just upsetting you? If you're down, you may be heading for depression - it's hormonal and will pass but some of us need help as new mums x

Ref your DH, he's an AH. What is he trying to achieve? Have you asked him. Have you tried to stop him?

Unless you are hysterically crying, baby with you whilst so young is best irrespective of you crying.

Sounds like lack of communication, speak when not emotional

Breastfed babies can be unsettled in the evenings because they need to clusterfeed, switching sides regularly helps, and there's also growth spurts where baby will be more fussy and want more feeds. The solution is to just nurse him more, not for your husband to take the baby and refuse to give him back to you.

Does your husband do anything else that feels controlling or upsetting to you? To refuse to give a breastfed baby back to the mother is cruel to both of you.

Tell him to FO
this is your baby, you know best. If he can’t help in a way that supports you in your role as mother, he needs to back off.
doing it alone is not as hard as people make out

It sounds like he just can’t handle the emotion, which is his problem, not yours. From what you say, taking your baby while you calm down is ok, but refusing to hand your baby back once you are asking him calmly and reasonably sounds pretty controlling to me.

Agree with PP this is a conversation to have outside of these times.

Is there any wider context, such as wider concerns he might have, or examples of him being controlling? Communication or other difficulties more generally in the relationship?

Yes babies can be unsettled in the evenings. I’m not aware of it being normal to cry yourself though and think it’s built up further than it needs to and you need to be taking the break well before that point, especially as you are not a lone parent.

Can you discuss scheduling breaks such as a hour split 50:50 with your partner during these evening episodes. 30m at a time will be more manageable emotionally and taking a proper break in another room will help conserve energy.

I think it's normal and reasonable for your DH to take over the baby from you if he sees you're upset. And also normal he doesn't hand over baby immediately after you've blown your nose and wiped your eyes - in my opinion you should take some more time to breathe, do something for yourself like take a shower? When you're fine again, after daddy has walked with the baby for a bit, yes it would be reasonable to hand him back to you. But.......maybe daddy is proud tóó to hold his child, walking around and cuddling to calm him down? Maybe talk about it on a quiet moment, while baby is asleep?

I think it’d be worthwhile having a chat with your GP or HV….you may be suffering from PND…..very common.
It can be overwhelming having a newborn and especially a baby who is distressed for a longer period of time.

You say baby is 12 weeks old - could baby have colic? This is often the stage in their wee life when it starts to kick in

Last time I checked, it takes 2 to make a baby. Its just as much his baby as hers 🤷‍♀️
He’s trying to console his baby while mum is clearly distressed and making the baby worse.
If the thread title was changed to Dh tries to console my baby as I’m crying so much alongside baby, there would be very different responses. OP’s terminology is not helpful.

What - parenting?

Perhaps it f he stepped in before you got to the point of crying, that would be more helpful. I would find this behaviour so difficult to deal with so soon after having a baby.

Some babies do this cry for long periods until 3 month old. It’s a known condition (they used to call it ‘three month colic’ ) and they never found a cause. One of mine was like it. It was exhausting, the only behaviour she would accept to calm her was that I was standing or walking or playing some Mozart .. but I couldn’t just sit.. interestingly she became the most easy going baby and child from then on.
Sometimes ‘good’ babies can become dreadful toddlers I think every mother has to accept their babies or toddlers will be completely beyond exasperating at some time or another. They seem to need instinctively to test the boundaries.
Yes you do have to put a brave face on it. Your husband is infantilising you, don’t put up with it. You can feel sorry for yourself but don’t show it, your confidence in being able to cope will rub off. it’s normal there’s nothing wrong with you except perhaps that your expectations are too high, motherhood is really hard and you are doing great just don’t despair and don’t let him take over

It takes a woman's bodily presence and a microscopic bit of male sperm to make a baby, and mammals (such as humans) don't need the presence of the male after the delivery of sperm. Dads are extremely dispensible, mothers are not. Mothers are a baby's entire world from the start of conception, and a human mother/baby dyad takes years to fade in significance both physically and emotionally, to both sides.

Dads can be present, useful, supportive, or not. They can learn to love babies, or not (there are copious examples of fatherly "love" disappearing abruptly on discovery that a child is not "theirs"). Fathers can be involved or not, just like anyone else.

It's a shame that so many share the patriarchal view that a baby belongs as much to the sperm provider as the mother, but there is another, more natural and logical view that babies and their mothers belong together for the sake of each, and humankind itself, and should be supported by us all. Fathers, while very quickly unnecessary, can choose to be helpful or not, and mothers should be able to treat them accordingly.

No no no

No one should take a baby from their mum against their will.

Its ok to cry with your baby when they won't stop crying and you don't know what else to do. All of us will have been there too

Unless you're a risk to your baby which sounds like you aren't, your partner is completely in the wrong here

It takes a woman's bodily presence and a microscopic bit of male sperm to make a baby, and mammals (such as humans) don't need the presence of the male after the delivery of sperm. Dads are extremely dispensible, mothers are not.

What a horrible way to talk about fathers. It's just as much his baby as hers

What a horrific post. Look at this website to show just as many examples of where Motherly Love disappears and mothers treat their children like shit.

What a croc of shit.

Quite - not even true as regards (non human) mammals.

I particularly like the golden lion father who carries the infant nearly 24/7, occasionally handing to mother solely for purpose of feeding 🤭