DH withholding baby from me

[Hoorayharry]

I have a baby who is 12 weeks old, he’s generally a chilled baby but has episodes of crying especially in the evenings. I know this is normal but it makes me upset when he won’t stop crying, and a few times I’ve found myself crying with him.

Whenever this happens DH takes him away from me and won’t hand him back. He’s been doing this since baby was about 4 weeks old. It’s starting to make me feel really bad about myself. I am only crying I’m not getting angry or hysterical. DH says I’m in no fit state to hold him. I’m finding it really difficult and want to tell him it goes against my instincts as a mother to have my baby withheld from me. I’m hoping he does it because he’s trying to help me but it would help me more if he handed baby back when I ask? AIBU here?

One of the great things about MN these days it that you will always be able to find the dumbest f**ng thing you've read all day. Sheer toxic shite.

It seems there is a lack of support in times of need. Like he is almost isolating you from baby when you need practical emotional support. You need to feel safe and supported in times of tormoil and he is missing that key element. His language is certainly unhelpful, that needs addressed!
Communication is really important. He should not be taking baby and withholding him, he needs to be more supportive of your emotional need.
Baby is safe however Dad is being possessive to point of emotionally neglecting his partner.
Can you speak to your health visitor? Dad needs some eduction around what's going for you.

I’m going to try to assume the best of your husband and think that he’s taking the baby because he’s worried that your emotional state might affect him and he’s trying to protect him and give you space to regulate yourself. I would advise you that, when calm and baby is sleeping or something, explain to your husband that his doing so is distressing to you and harmful to your child who needs his mother, especially in these earliest months. Then follow up with some ways that he actually can help and support you both, maybe by giving you a cuddle or bringing you a cup of tea or some chocolate, holding you while you hold the baby, or just taking the baby without the worry that he won’t give him back when your instincts are crying out for you child.

Poor All of You.

Sounds very much as if your baby has what we used to call Evening Colic. It usually starts at about 4 weeks and catches you by surprise. They "tune up" about six o'clock and are inconsolable for the next 2 or more hours. They are, after all, little animals, (not meant in an unkind way) and when they are upset they want their mums. The sound and smell of her is very comforting.

As a Mum, especially a new one, we find it so difficult not to react when our babies are little and crying. That's how its supposed to be. We, as mother animals, (kindly meant) are wired to do everything for our babies. Having been through it with three babies I can confirm that you feel perplexed and inadequate, but you are not

Your husband is probably just as much at sea as you are and thinks he is doing the right thing.

They often pull their knees as if they have a stomach ache. The babies that is not the husbands.

The good news is that it usually fades at about 12 weeks, but I can confirm that they were some of the longest weeks of my life.

Just to make you smile...I have memories of walking the unlit streets of my village with screaming baby and three year old. It was the Miners Strike. We had power cuts and my husband was at work. It was less depressing walking by Moonlight than being in a dark cold house. I didn't say I had fond memories!

Good luck to you all. It will pass.

We should never ever be telling a new mother of a baby that they aren't safe with their child because they have feelings and express these feelings when they are upset. Expression is healthy. Crying is healthy. We coregulate with our children. Motherhood (especially new motherhood) is the hardest transition of a woman's life. Mix this with an unsupportive partner that restricts a mothers natural instincts and gives her cruelty. Of course we are going to find it hard. What a toxic way to think and treat a new mother.

Mamma, your feelings are valid, completely understandable, and expression (crying) is your way of regulating and bringing yourself and your baby to safety, not the other way around. I feel that you need your village. And to set secure boundaries about the way you are being treated by your partner, this too, is toxic behaviour. Your baby needs their mother right now, not to be traumatised by being pulled away from their place of safety when they get used to the world around them. Babies cry. Yes it is normal! Some more than others! My little one had really bad colic when she was this young, and would cry for hours in the early days. Their new world is a scary place, they want their mamma, they need you constantly. You are doing wonderfully 💚

I mean... all of this in theory is fine. But op has said (from my understanding of her posts) that this is only happening on the nights where op is particularly sleep deprived and the crying is going on much longer than usual.

All of that is telling me that op in that moment needs a break but doesn't feel able to take one. And there's a co parent there who is trying to give her that break (albeit in a tactless way).

In theory it is fine to say "we should never ever be telling a new mother of a baby that they aren't safe with their child because they have feelings and express these feelings when they are upset. Expression is healthy. Crying is healthy. We coregulate with our children" but in reality women are human and have limits. We are pretty incredible, but we are not infallible and we are not indestructible. Which is why some mums burn out. Why some mums struggle with ppd and ppa. Why some mums end up shaking babies out of sheer desperation. It's unfair to tell a new mum that she is the only person who can help her baby regulate when this baby presumably has two safe and invested parents. The dad SHOULD be stepping up. He SHOULD be telling op to go and rest and have a cuppa and that he will take over. She is doing the lions share and she bloody deserves that break and we should be telling her that it is 100% OK to feel conflicted about it but to take that break anyway.

Maybe it is but the baby has a stronger biological attachment to its mother at this stage

To the point that their father can't hold them for a little while once every week ot two? Has to be mum at all times?

Send DH to a psychiatrist, and have yourself checked for PND.

Wow… has to ask to hold his own baby.

Are you breast feeding? I've never heard of anything like this. A baby should not be withheld from its mother!

If she is already holding the baby, then yes. Would you just go up to someone who is holding a baby and take the baby without saying anything? If he said something like 'let me take the baby for a bit to give you a break', I'm sure the OP would be OK with that. He isn't trying to help the OP, he is judging her.

Go and get some help, sounds like u rnt coping so hubby is taking over as he can see u r struggling.

Not saying it's the same but my abusive ex used to be really mean to me just after giving birth so I'd start to cry, then take the baby and point blank refuse to hand him back as a means of control. Would tell his family I had PND when I didn't, would ring healthcare professionals supposedly concerned about my mental state, trying to imply I was emotionally unstable and therefore they shouldn't listen to anything I said. Would say he wanted to take the baby for a quick walk in the pram to the local park alone, but instead would drive on the motorway to visit family an hour away despite me trying to establish bf and then ignore all my calls, framing it as me being possessive and not wanting him to see his family. His family didn't know I wasn't invited so to them he looked like the 'doting' father taking his newborn out to visit alone, whilst mum clearly not coping as opting to stay home.

Your situation may be totally different but I remember how infuriating it was seeing his mind games and everyone thinking he was acting in my best interests when he wasn't. Have you told your DH how it makes you feel? Unless he is doing it in a caring way (eg let me settle DS for a bit, you're doing a fantastic job but you deserve a rest too, I want to make sure I'm doing my share) then it does seem a bit of a red flag unless you were in a rage or totally inconsolable, which you've already said you're not.

Why does the mother not then ask to hold the baby back? Or is this only a one way thing?

She does! When she asks if she can have the baby back, he refuses and says that she is not in a fit state to hold him.

This. This Dad is trying to play an active role parenting his child, his wife has sat crying and struggling so he's insisting on doing a stint because he's in a better frame of mind for it.
Dad is not a random stranger, hes a loving parent keen to sit and cuddle baby to give mum and break, and id imagine he removes with baby to another room so mum isnt still listening to the crying?!
I actually agree with dad, if its reached a point you're sat crying then thats not good for the baby and i can see why he is intervening. Its not normal to sit crying with your baby every evening - this is exactly why you tag in and out with your partner - because its getting too much.

Presumably because she has only barely stopped crying and hasnt given herself a proper break. Its his baby too.

this. It’s so fucking not normal. OP needs professional help not people telling her to leave her dh

Am sorry but those not understanding why you are crying clearly havent held their own baby for hours crying. It could be the baby has colic or tummy ache or teething pain, over tired etc. This especially with the first child and first year can be very difficult for the mother. The father does not feel the same as he didn just give birth and is not going through postpartum. Communicate with him during a calm time about how you feel about his behaviour and tell him that it needs to change. You are more than capable and ofcourse if his got good intentions just to offer a helping hand then thats fine.

I agree.