Maybe another teacher’s perspective could help you here.
I was a school teacher for over 30 years before becoming a private educational consultant and tutor. I worked in state maintained schools for 20 years, then moved into the independent sector. I moved purely because I was frustrated by the decreasing funding for state education (in real terms) and increasing government interference and constantly changing goal posts (without any properly researched evidence to back up the enforced change).
It was, and still is, extremely painful to see the vocation I love being increasingly controlled by a stream of ministers for education (most of whom have zero expertise in the field) playing political ‘games’ with children’s futures for their own political ends. Meanwhile, more and more teachers are being managed by academy ‘business managers’ (rather than headteachers). Academies have privatised significant parts of our education system by stealth (without conferring any of the benefits independent schools can offer) and managers are often locked into petty power struggles.
When the conflicting demands made on teachers who care passionately about education and put children’s wellbeing at the heart of everything they do became unbearable, I had a stark choice - stay teaching in the state sector and cave in to the pressure to do things I felt were fundamentally NOT in children’s best interest, or get out! It sounds as if your sister made the same decision, which makes it doubly ironic she is now trying to force her views on state v independent schools on you!
When I moved from state schools into the independent sector, I felt as if I’d ‘defected’ as it really went against my political beliefs to work in a system where a select few children are given such a huge advantage. In an ideal world, I believe every child should have the kind of opportunities available to pupils in many independent schools, i.e. smaller classes, in well-resourced and well-kept buildings, with an ethos among staff, parents and pupils that learning is intrinsically rewarding and a good education is the key to increased choices and wellbeing in adult life. If the state provided this level of education for all, (as they do in Scandinavia) there would be no need for private schools and they’d probably cease to exist. Some British state schools come close to managing this - usually the oversubscribed ones in more affluent areas, where parents support this type of ethos and raise additional funds for the school. Is this is the type of school your niece goes to? I wonder if your sister would be quite so vociferous in her opinions if her dd was at a ‘failing’ school with poor exam results!
I’ve come to realise there is never a level playing field where children’s education is concerned! Not only is there huge disparity between schools (both in the state and independent sectors), parents’ own education and earnings, plus the value they place on their children’s education, and their attitude towards schools and teachers are all critical predictors of children’s academic success. Research clearly shows that children who are given access to high quality play activities with lots of adult interaction and children who are read to regularly from the early years onwards do better in school. Yet many parents barely speak to their children, preferring to use TV/tech as a child minder for hours every day and don’t even have a single book in the home. Many parents never take their children to the local library, let alone buy them a book, despite many great children’s books being sold in charity shops for less than a pound! I wonder if your sister would consider it is wrong for her to buy her dd a book or help with her homework etc as this will undoubtedly give your niece an ‘unfair’ advantage over children who get no help from their parents at home.
As for your sister’s comments about private schools giving out good grades because parents are paying for it, surely the ‘proof of the pudding’ is in their public exam results at GCSE and A Level. Having said that, I’d say there’s a grain of truth in what your sister says because in the three independent schools I worked in, plus many others I’ve tutored children from, it has been common for staff to paint a somewhat rosier than reality picture of a child at times. This is particularly common in prep schools with regard to a pupil’s social skills, friendships etc where parents are often led to believe their child is happy at school, well-liked by staff and popular with their peers even when this is patently far from true . However, this is no different to the underplaying of SEND all the state schools I have contact with do regularly because they know that identifying differences and disabilities (unless very severe) will simply result in tons of extra work with no extra resources and little hope of an EHCP. Conversely, all the selective independent schools I know set children for most academic subjects and report their test scores regularly. Hence it is unlikely parents would be unaware how their child is doing compared to their peers at the same school. Furthermore, most independent senior schools publish their GCSE and A Level results, which are obviously measured objectively across all schools so you can easily see at a glance how your ds’ school results compare to your niece’s school results at a glance!
I’m guessing your sister may have made a tough moral decision to put her own beliefs about education above the statistical chances of her own daughter’s future GCSE and A Level grades. Her boringly repetitive attacks on your choices for your ds are possibly rooted in the anxiety she actually feels deep down as to whether she is actually doing the right thing or not. The problem she faces at the moment is only time will tell! If her dd does not do as well as she might have done in years to come, then your sister cannot turn the clock back! She is probably trying to convince herself (much more than you) that she is doing the right thing! People who are secure in their own parental choices do not need to keep trying to belittle or undermine others who make a different choice. Annoying as she is, (and I too would be deeply irritated by her constant sniping) if you can feel and show pity for your sister when she starts sniping, it may have the desired effect!
Alterntively, the quickest way to shut your sister down may be to quote the comparative statistics for the GCSE and A Level results for the two schools (assuming the stats for your ds’s school are better). Next time you visit her, you could say (or even write) something like….
“Right Sisname - that’s enough. This is the final conversation I am prepared to have with you about schools for either your dd or my ds! You may well know more about education than me, but I am still entitled to make my own choices for my son. Before deciding on secondary schools, I carefully considered 3 things: the type of school I believed would be best placed to support my son’s wellbeing, the school I thought he would feel most happy in; and the school he will have the highest chance of getting good GCSE grades. Statistics show he has an X% chance of achieving 9 GCSEs at grade 7 or above at his current school as opposed to Y% chance at the local comp. Therefore, having taken these three things into consideration, I decided to send him to his private school. Whatever his results in 5 years time, I will know I did everything I could to give him the best possible chance of doing well. If you are prepared to gamble your views on private education against your dd’s wellbeing, happiness and grades at her state school, that’s your choice.
You decided to stop teaching in state schools for a reason. If they were that great and you were that dedicated to teaching then you’d go back! I do not criticise you for the choices you’ve made and I don’t expect you to keep criticising mine. It is totally unnecessary for you to justify your own choices by trying to belittle me like this. There is no one size fits all for parents or children and my mind is made up. I am not willing to discuss this any further. Neither am I willing to listen to any more snide comments about the different schools we’ve chosen. I do not want to fall out with you about this so, from now on, every time you make a snide, silly or derisive comment about either of our children’s schools I will end the visit immediately. Let’s just agree to disagree about education and talk about something else.
What did you think of …….(any random subject you both have an interest in)?”
If your sister tries to argue then simply get up and walk out. Keep doing this at every visit until she stops!