To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

[Maria1979]

For background: my older Dsis is a teacher (or was because she's working in another field now) and is against private schools. She has worked in ONE private school for three years and is an expert (according to herself) of how things are done in all schools whether private or not. She has got one DD who went in to the local secondary y7. My DS went in to private school y7 (they're the same age). Ever since she has not stopped with her comments on private schools. According to her they give out good grades because the parents are paying for it. The school we chose is not expensive compared to most and they have a waiting list and only take in children who are already "good students" just like grammar school so I told Dsis that maybe that's why the students got good grades. She would not hear about it. She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc). I don't tell her that, I just nod, smile and say I'm happy you're happy and leave it at that. She's not jealous; DStepM helped us out with the fees and said she would help Dsis too if she wanted it. Every single time we talk she has to put DS's school down. She has the decency to be subtle about it infront of DS but she still has to say something. I asked her to not be so negative about something she knows nothing about. My DS is highly sensitive and quite fragile and he would be a likely target for bullying in Dsis' DD's school. He is very happy about his school and I wish that she could just leave it.

I'm not exaggerating: every single time I see her she just has to make a snide remark. It's like she's mad at me for not making the same choices as she is. It's gotten to a point where I want to go nc with her because she always makes me so upset and I feel so defensive around her just waiting for her "remark of the day". So AIBU to go nc with her until she has accepted to stop putting down DS's school ?

The OP said her sister could afford it.

If you read the OP you would know that she is the one who brings school up all the time and that she can afford it but hates private schools.

I seriously doubt anyone is going to support the suggestion of going NC with a sister over a battle between chocolate cake vs Victoria sponge.

So I’m not sure the answers would differ… Anywsy, everyone knows it’s chocolate cake.

Nearly threw up reading that.

Well she had really. That’s exactly what going NC “just until” her sister does what she wants effectively amounts to. It’s using NC as a manipulative tool.

You don’t go no contract “for a while”. You go non contact if you never want to have anything to do with someone every again. It’s pretty much a permanent arrangement.

What you would be doing is “sending her to Coventry”. Which is petty and childish.

Just tell her you need to agree to disagree on this one and won’t discuss it further.

I think next time she brings it up you should say something like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling so insecure about your choice of school. You keep bringing it up all the time as though you’re trying to convince yourself. I’m happy with my son’s school - hence I don’t feel the need to talk about it all the time or criticise other people’s school choices”.

Hopefully that will stop her, but you might have to repeat it once or twice to get the message across.

Dh’s sister thinks we can afford it- she sent hers to private school. We absolutely can’t, even with bursaries. We did the sums.

i would be surprised if a teachers salary stretches to private school.

given their relationship I’m surprised o/p knows enough details about her sisters income and outgoings to be able to say what she can afford. Maybe she has debts, maybe her preference is to see them through uni debt free. Maybe she can afford it but it would be tight and they’d have to cut down on other areas she’d rather not.

if she’s been a teacher her salary won’t have been massive to be able to put aside sums for private school.

regardless imo the two siblings/gc are being treated differently and I do not agree with that.

Just be an adult and say you don't want to discuss it.

You are being a bit silly. She is entitled to her views on private schools. And you taking subsidies from inlaws to pay the fees, she probably doesn't approve of that either,

Wouldn't mind betting there's a whole history behind this - it reminds me of episodes of Frasier where they start dragging up ancient grievances against each other.

The acronymI want to know is PBP which the deletions in this post have used.

“ Posted before pondering?” ; “Posted by pig-ignorant!”; “ Pointless, bigoted post?”

Haven't read the whole thread but your sister's suggestion that private schools 'give out good grades because the parents are paying for it' is utterly ridiculous. That's not how public exams work! I'm not sure examiners even know what school kids attend when they mark papers - even if they do, it wouldn't make any difference to the results. GCSE and A-level grade boundaries don't have anything to do with school fees - that's actually a mad thing to say.

All I and anyone else can do is go on what the OP says, given she knows her sister and we don't.

And she says she can afford it.

No contact is OTT. Why not just say ‘shall we just agree to disagree and talk about something more interesting’.

Easy technique - 3 word stuck record

She brings up school, you say "we've covered this".

And repeat as many times/occasions as necessary until she gets bored.

See my above link.

PBP = Previously banned poster

Dsm is helping us out and has said she's happy to help Dsis out.

Ah! That makes sense. A bit less exciting, but logical.

Just have a phrase you repeat every time she mentions your DS' school. E.g. I don't wish to discuss this. Or simply change the subject. Stay calm.

If you stop responding, she'll eventually get the message.

Is this wonderful private school the same school that's making your son miserable?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5161386-school-phobia-secondary-school

Sounds amazing

Just simply change the topic - I do this with one of my brothers who is super fit and drones on about fitness and how I ought to do more exercise etc, even though I'm not very fat and am relatively fit compared to many, but sadly lacking in the 6ft+ genes of most of the rest of the family. Every time he changes the subject to 'fitness' and the comment comes, I reply with 'I hear the weather is being nice/sunny/foul/unusually wet/snow in Boston at the moment' (relevant as our mother went once and loved Boston, and talked about the trip for months ). Has taken 2 years but he has learnt to not mention I ought to do more exercise.

But if she chooses not to send her dd to private school she doesn’t get the same chunk of money you do?

I’d never treat my kids that way.

She knows this because she's also said my son's school is putting too much pressure on the children to get good grades. I think that depends on the child as well. Some learn quicker than others. My Dsis had better grades than me but I worked harder for mine (spent more time on homework). My DS is like my sister so I think he'll be allright. He likes to learn and he seems to be in a good calm environment for it. It's not fair. All children's should be granted a good learning environment but I'm not going to sacrifice my DS over principles when we had the offer from Dsm to help us out with the fees.

You’ve basically asked a forum full of DSISes.. 😆