To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

[Maria1979]

For background: my older Dsis is a teacher (or was because she's working in another field now) and is against private schools. She has worked in ONE private school for three years and is an expert (according to herself) of how things are done in all schools whether private or not. She has got one DD who went in to the local secondary y7. My DS went in to private school y7 (they're the same age). Ever since she has not stopped with her comments on private schools. According to her they give out good grades because the parents are paying for it. The school we chose is not expensive compared to most and they have a waiting list and only take in children who are already "good students" just like grammar school so I told Dsis that maybe that's why the students got good grades. She would not hear about it. She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc). I don't tell her that, I just nod, smile and say I'm happy you're happy and leave it at that. She's not jealous; DStepM helped us out with the fees and said she would help Dsis too if she wanted it. Every single time we talk she has to put DS's school down. She has the decency to be subtle about it infront of DS but she still has to say something. I asked her to not be so negative about something she knows nothing about. My DS is highly sensitive and quite fragile and he would be a likely target for bullying in Dsis' DD's school. He is very happy about his school and I wish that she could just leave it.

I'm not exaggerating: every single time I see her she just has to make a snide remark. It's like she's mad at me for not making the same choices as she is. It's gotten to a point where I want to go nc with her because she always makes me so upset and I feel so defensive around her just waiting for her "remark of the day". So AIBU to go nc with her until she has accepted to stop putting down DS's school ?

When you see her next put the stop watch on your phone, as she mentions the school - show her how long it took and suggest that next time she tries harder to get in sooner.

Don't say anything else, don't argue, shrug but keep stum and move the conversation on.

The the following time - pop your stop watch on

It'll stop

Exactly that. You don’t need her negativity over your decision.

This thread is a prime example of both sisters being an arse.

The OP (to her credit) hasn't even tried to hide it with a few of the comments she's made.

But ultimately she's saying she doesn't really want to go NC for long, just long enough for her sister to 'toe the line', which is controlling and a pretty dangerous game to play if she's not serious.

That.

If she praises something about her DD's school, why would you want to say anything other than "that's sounds great"?

don't blame you at all - I'd find the constant comments unbearable

also her daughter will benefit massively from having a teacher for a parent- and it sounds like she's an only child so some real time and energy for parental input there! And that's fine- that's lucky for her and her daughter- this gives her an advantage over the rest of us but that's life and I don't begrudge it

Sounds a bit nuclear for what it is.
She's your sister- tell her to stfu if she doesn't understand when you ask her nicely to stop.

Have you asked her why, if she's so confident in her choices, does she need to constantly bang on about it?

You don't need to go BC but you do need to make it clear that's it's not up for discussion. When you've done that, and she brings it up again, leave the room!

I’d sit her down and say: that DSis is entitled to her opinions on private schools but that she is no longer welcome to so much as reference those opinions in your home. Any discussion of the state v private education is no longer acceptible in your home. If she cannot respect the reasons for your decision to send DS to a private school, cannot care enough about your DS to STFU when he is present, then you will seriously consider going NC. This is a hard line in the sand for you and she needs to back off. Then leave it up to her as to whether she respects you or not.

If she persists after this, then yes, I’d go NC. Because it’s not about the issue of private schools, it’s about brigmanship, jealousy and being deliberately hurtful/critical/undermining - which speaks to there being far more to the sibling tension here than whether you send your DS to a private school.

It’s irrelevant what they’re arguing over. They’re both acting like children whether it’s schools or cake.

It’s much easier to be critical of PS than to justify why you chose a new flash car and luxury holidays ahead of providing a better educational experience for your child.

Dear gods!

@Maria1979

We have kids with Sen we moved to private and honestly, nobody brings it up in our family because they had access to good state options we didn't.

It really is as simple as saying this is a banned topic for the sake of the relationship - it was just obvious to our families thankfully.

The things people go NC with their family over 😱😱. Can’t you just tell her it annoys you because your son goes to a private school, and while she’s very entitled to an opinion, could she please discuss that with someone else?!

She's pissed off with you because you're actively saying "my child's school is better".

Why not just say it's different?

Presumably she can't afford private, even at the "lower" cost you claim. So you're angling for an argument by ranking the schools. It's not only rude, it's cruel.

Should she be crying over how terrible her own children's school is? You're an adult, have a conversation with her. It might be that she feels you are the one who keeps bringing it up.

100%. You don't deserve praise just because you have more disposable income.

She can afford it - as it's grandparents paying for both if they wanted it

Why is it ok for sis to start a conversation about how much better I am , how much more clever I am sending my child to a state school, silly you for wasting money but not ok for the op to say actually I think my school choice is better

One rule for sis , and another for OP because ...?

No, it doesn't. It suggests SLT are poor; it says absolutely nothing about individual teachers, other than that they know they'll be paid the same to do the same job in a better environment.

Presumably she can't afford private, even at the "lower" cost you claim.

The OP can't afford it either, which is why she's accepted financial help from her stepmother.

The same stepmother has offered to financially help the OP's sister too but she refused.

Abbreviations on Mumsnet are VVI {Very very irritating}

It's infested with acronyms and it's assumed one understands what people mean by them.

For some reason ''D'' means Darling [?] so DSis =Darling Sister.
DS= Darling son,

DD Darling Daughter- {or confusingly, ''Darling Dog''}

NC {the biggie on Mumsnet} where going ''No contact'' is a thing - but in real life, discussing things with a family member is often much more productive.

Some acronyms you will see referred to often is ND {Neurodiverse} and it's opposite number, NT {Neurotypical}

AIBU = Am I being unreasonable
AINBU =Am I not being unreasobable.

Not the point but our local state secondary offers classics, Latin and mandarin 🙈😂

I think education is something where everyone wants to feel they have made the best choice. So just don't discuss it. Say you appreciate her insights but you are happy with your choices. If you are competitive then it will irritate her even more.

I do think there is an element of private schools needing to justify the fees so a lower initial score and a higher end of year score. As a PP has said, external grades from GCSE will evidence it. I must say our local privates don't do any better than the local states at the higher end (grades in top set versus private) but there are less failing kids simply because the private won't accept them in the first place. Do private schools do standardised scores? Surely that will give an indication of national performance at a younger level?

The o/p said stepmom is contributing, not paying the whole amount.

she may not be able to afford it even with a contribution. Or even if sm is paying most- there are many costs like uniform, trips, books, supplies, sports kit on top.

tbh as a step mum and mum there’s no way I’d give one grandchild a shit load of money for private school and the other zilch. Whatever the reason. I’d give both children the same amount, if one wants to spend it on private school and the other on their mortgage, that’s up to them.

i’d be a bit resentful if I was offered a fair old amount of money on condition I spent it on private school I couldn’t afford.

I'd take the resentment out on the person with the cash then not the sis

Looking to excuse the poor behaviour of the sis ? I guess that's admitting sis is behaving badly

I can understand why her constant needling is pissing you off.
But to go NC is a huge over reaction.
Just speak to her and explain that you've made your choice, and she's made hers, and you really don't want to discuss it further.
If she continues to push the subject, don't engage with it. And, if that still doesn't work, just don't see her socially. You don't need to go NC; just act like an adult (even if she won't).

I wouldn't go not contact but I would refuse to discuss it.

We went through a really difficult time with my exhusbands family when my daughters cousin got scholarships in to two well known privates schools, but that wasn't the problem. Her Dad wanted my parents and I (he wasn't offering any cash himself!) to pay for her to go to private school and kept pushing his views on to us (he wife works at very well known public school). Lots of comments too about how clever her cousin was and how he's the clever academic one of the family etc in front of her (she's 17). I just had to tell them all in the end that it was inappropriate for them to keep discussing this with her and comparing her exam results, GSCE grades etc, I don't discuss my children with each other and I don't expect other people to discuss her school report either.

Anyway, its died down now, we don't discuss it and they have stopped. You have to do what is best for your children and you have to have a proper conversation with her to shut down the noise.

Acronyms list here.