To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

[Maria1979]

For background: my older Dsis is a teacher (or was because she's working in another field now) and is against private schools. She has worked in ONE private school for three years and is an expert (according to herself) of how things are done in all schools whether private or not. She has got one DD who went in to the local secondary y7. My DS went in to private school y7 (they're the same age). Ever since she has not stopped with her comments on private schools. According to her they give out good grades because the parents are paying for it. The school we chose is not expensive compared to most and they have a waiting list and only take in children who are already "good students" just like grammar school so I told Dsis that maybe that's why the students got good grades. She would not hear about it. She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc). I don't tell her that, I just nod, smile and say I'm happy you're happy and leave it at that. She's not jealous; DStepM helped us out with the fees and said she would help Dsis too if she wanted it. Every single time we talk she has to put DS's school down. She has the decency to be subtle about it infront of DS but she still has to say something. I asked her to not be so negative about something she knows nothing about. My DS is highly sensitive and quite fragile and he would be a likely target for bullying in Dsis' DD's school. He is very happy about his school and I wish that she could just leave it.

I'm not exaggerating: every single time I see her she just has to make a snide remark. It's like she's mad at me for not making the same choices as she is. It's gotten to a point where I want to go nc with her because she always makes me so upset and I feel so defensive around her just waiting for her "remark of the day". So AIBU to go nc with her until she has accepted to stop putting down DS's school ?

How many schools have you worked in?

Suspect your sister was initially very ‘principled’ about her anti-private school choice but things are possibly not going as swimmingly at her DC school but she has dug in so deeply she is now trying to undermine your choice while secretly jealous… Go low contact or if you want to go out with a bang, go on about how delighted you are that your DC is doing so well in Latin and has made it to the world water polo championships 😅

Can't you just ignore her comments? No contact seems extreme

Have you asked her what her problem is? Why can't she stop mentioning it every time? What does she say?

My bet is you mention the school and that triggers it...

I have been on the receiving end of snide remarks about my choice of school for DD (private London borders day school). OP’s DSis must be feeling very insecure to need to make comments of this nature. Personally I do not judge other parents choices, their child, their comprehension of the situation, their choices to make based on all of these factors at play. Sadly, it’s become quite fashionable to berate PS parents, which I find nasty and spiteful, there are lots of reasons people pick the schools they do, parental choice seems to irk some more than others. If your daughter is thriving (it’s not really your business to say if your Niece is) that is what is important, don’t allow a family rift based on small mindedness.

Just do explode!!! Tell her you don't comment on her choice of school and it isn't your fault she is clearly insecure.

Yeah. They both sound unpleasant. My first thought too.

As I said in the OP there is a huge staff turnover in Dsis' Dd's school which does imply they are not dedicated or they are too dedicated and get sick🤷‍♀️. At Ds school staff has mostly been there for a very long time.

The fact you feel the need to say your DC school is ‘better’ suggests you feel a sense of superiority and that’s probably winding her up. Why can’t you just talk about other stuff?

Sounds a bloody silly reason to cut your sister out of your life!

No Contact is basically ghosting - we see on here all the time how upset people get about that when it happens.

No birthday cards, no seeing each other’s family at Christmas, nothing at all… over her moaning about your choice to send your son to private school?

We've had friends who became 'frenemies' over our decision to send the DDs to private schools.

It's unlikely they will ever let up about it in some form or another. This is a situation where the statement: "You can't control what other people/say you can only control your reaction to it" has never been more valid.

Taking a bit of a breather from spending time with her until she gets her mind on something else (or you know you'd feel less triggered by her) might make sense but on this basis alone, I wouldn't cut her off completely.

Going NC over a difference of opinion seems nuts, if you otherwise get on. She's obviously got a bee in her bonnet about private education, lots of teachers have. Unless your sister is a complete dick anyway, I'd just smile sweetly and rise above it if I was you.

Dear Sister, education is all about horses for courses. I'm delighted your child is so happy where he is. I'm also delighted mine is doing well where he is - we were not sure he would cope in a state school, and I'm OK with the fact that we'll never know how he would have coped, because we've committed to our choice now. Our minds will not be changed, so you bringing up the subject every time we see you is pointless and actually very annoying. Please do not raise the topic again or we will have to cut down on how often we see you, because we find it very unpleasant.

I never talk about school. I avoid the subject because I want us to get along and talk about something else. Like anything else.

I agree unless she’s a pain in other ways, it’s odd to go no contact just for this reason.

Just say to her again that you don’t want to discuss education or schooling with her, you have different views on the subject, you’re both happy so move on. But then you have to stick to it too- don’t be tempted to start either praising your DS’s school to the hills or slagging either school/ school system off.

If she does bring it up negatively maybe just sigh dramatically and stop speaking.

It is very much though a divisive subject, one of my friends has kids at a very expensive exclusive private school and I swear to god we have not had a single conversation about her kids without a detailed explanation of the school in done respect, discussion of just how sporty her kids are etc. And every summer we get the humble-brag type complaint about just how loooong private school holidays are. Totally grinds my gears but I have to check myself for being defensive and remind myself that she’s a nice person. I have also slightly reduced contact at times.

I think you need to be careful what you wish for actually.

You come across as though announcing you're going NC is going to provoke an upset reaction from her.

In reality you might get a "Cool, yeah, no problem".

And she might be far better at sticking to it than you.

"it's clear that my DS's school is better."

Yeah, feels like this might not be one-sided.

I think people are getting quite “ trigger happy” about going NC. I completely understand it where there is a genuinely toxic or negative relationship, particularly one that impacts MH. But is this really such a big deal? It sounds like a disagreement on one topic to me. Disrespecting boundaries is really a bigger and more generalised thing than her having a bee in her bonnet about a specific issue.

I do think it’s good people have learnt they don’t have to accept genuinely abusive situations, but the downside of the language such as “ respecting boundaries” and “ toxic” etc has crept into situations that are fundamentally just disagreements to be navigated, and instead of being used in a genuinely protective way, are often being used quite churlishly and manipulatively.

That's what I have done for a long time before asking her to stop. When I say go nc I mean go nc for a while- until she understands that I'm serious.

If they have a high staff turnover though it probably isn’t great.

next time she makes a snide comment, tell her again that you don’t agree with each others choices and you need to stop discussing it.

if she doesn’t just match snide comment for one of your own.

I never said it though. Don't need to be smug. Her daughter could have gone as well but she chose not to which is fine.

Just to add I’m in the reverse situation - my sister sends her kids private and I don’t. But she talks about literally nothing else and has asked me what my feelings are about sending my DD to a ‘rough’ school, knowing full well we can’t afford another option. Yeah it’s annoying but I manage to brush it off. Maybe check yourself to see if you’ve been unintentionally bragging

Why on earth don't you just lose your sh*t with her? She's your sister, there is more slack.

"For fks sake, stop grinding on about schools. I don't care, it's boring the sh*t out of me. We've made different choices for our kids, they seem happy at school which is the main thing isn't it?. What on earth makes you go on, and on, and on, and on about it??? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE"

My BIL likes to made similar snidey comments about private vs state - and likes to make them only to my kids when DH and I not around. It is affecting how often we plan to see them to be honest.

I think if anything it's likely to be the too dedicated option. How difficult a teaching job is is down to how difficult the children are. State schools are not able to pick and choose and have larger classes. They don't get any extra funding for difficult children so teaching a class in an average state school especially in a economically deprived area is much more difficult than teaching in a private school. I don't think teachers in private schools are better than those in state schools.