To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

[Maria1979]

For background: my older Dsis is a teacher (or was because she's working in another field now) and is against private schools. She has worked in ONE private school for three years and is an expert (according to herself) of how things are done in all schools whether private or not. She has got one DD who went in to the local secondary y7. My DS went in to private school y7 (they're the same age). Ever since she has not stopped with her comments on private schools. According to her they give out good grades because the parents are paying for it. The school we chose is not expensive compared to most and they have a waiting list and only take in children who are already "good students" just like grammar school so I told Dsis that maybe that's why the students got good grades. She would not hear about it. She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc). I don't tell her that, I just nod, smile and say I'm happy you're happy and leave it at that. She's not jealous; DStepM helped us out with the fees and said she would help Dsis too if she wanted it. Every single time we talk she has to put DS's school down. She has the decency to be subtle about it infront of DS but she still has to say something. I asked her to not be so negative about something she knows nothing about. My DS is highly sensitive and quite fragile and he would be a likely target for bullying in Dsis' DD's school. He is very happy about his school and I wish that she could just leave it.

I'm not exaggerating: every single time I see her she just has to make a snide remark. It's like she's mad at me for not making the same choices as she is. It's gotten to a point where I want to go nc with her because she always makes me so upset and I feel so defensive around her just waiting for her "remark of the day". So AIBU to go nc with her until she has accepted to stop putting down DS's school ?

You both sound as immature as each other

@Maria1979 the teachers can actually spend their time teaching instead of dealing with antisocial behaviour.

Are you kidding?! I recently took my DD to a party where every other kid (inc. birthday child) was at the local (supposedly very prestigious) private school and omg.... I've never seen such appalling behaviour from kids that age, I was horrified. They were throwing things at staff, swearing, pushing past staff & kicking other parents as well as the staff. Awful. My DD was like 😳
I'm not saying mine is perfect, she's capable of being a nightmare at home if she wants to, but never ever in public and as expected, she was beautifully behaved - especially in comparison to these kids.

I got chatting to two other parents on a table at the end. They were asking which "indie" my daughter was at and were stunned when I said 'name of local well regarded state primary'.
I didn't know if I should be offended at their presumption that a state kid could be well behaved...! I chose to never let DD attend a party with these kids again!

'Honestly I think if the OP wanted to hear some more private school bashing then she'd just speak to her sister - that's not what she posted for'

Stealth boasting perhaps? OP seems to be going down the route of 'politic of envy'...

Stealth boasting how? I have made it clear I can not afford private school for my DS (Dsm pays most of it and would happily to the same for Dsis). I have mentioned how my Dsis is more intelligent than I am. I hate stealth boasting in general and would never do it (also don't have anything to brag about to be honest except my lovely, sweet, kind, intelligent DS ofcourse 🤣).

If your dsis teaches at a mixed or girls only school she could have sent her daughter private on a stinking discount. Plenty of indies offer staff up to 50% off.

Some even have a tie-in with another school with similar arrangement.

If someone one has worked in private schools, as a teacher, and still thinks they're no good, then I'd say that's a pretty valid opinion!

It’s almost every state school outside the grammars that people moan about. If your child is at the bottom end of the scale educationally, then private schools (and indeed selective schools in general) have zero interest in lower achievers.

If someone has worked in ONE private school it doesn't make them an expert in ALL private schools. That's just generalizing. It's like the state schools ; some are excellent, some ok and some horrible.

She doesn't teach anymore, did it for 7 years then opted out.

It must be so annoying but is it worth losing a sister for? As i get older I am more determined to chose not to get upset about things like this.

If the sister is anything like mine she is not able to agree to disagree.

Ofcourse it's not worth it. I shouldn't have used nc but rather time out.

How would you want this timeout to resolve itself, OP? Would you appreciate it if your sister did the same when she's upset about something?

Just imagine speaking to your adult child/ren about why you have no contact with your sister, and think about how stupid, foolish and petty it'll sound

OK, so i asked if you have ever (gently) challenged her on her comments to try to goad you?

If so, what happened? Have you only done the smiling sweetly and ignoring thing? That is not going to work with someone like her, and you know this.

Just tell her how you feel: 'ENOUGH Dsis, I'm really tired of this constant badgering about school. You do you, I do me and that is all there is on the subject. This goading of yours is really wearing thin and if you don't stop it now, I'll be taking a long time before I see you again'

Then get up and go home.

Then if you go and see her again and she repeats it, say that you are leaving and get up and go. every time.

Like you would train a dog. bad behaviour, there are consequences.

You say she is more intelligent than you, well from where we are sitting, she is looking a bit DIM tbh.

OP, you need to be explicit about it with your sister: "we've had this conversation many times. It's boring now. I know your views. If you can't let this go then we will need to take a break from seeing each other, because I'm finding it unhelpful while DS is settling in to his new school."

To the person wondering how parents of children in private school can possibly be buying better grades for their children: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/education/2019/aug/24/private-schools-igcse-exams-easier-gcse-university-admissions

You just have to look at the 'results' private schools got during Covid when teachers graded their own pupils... disgraceful. And if I was an employer hiring from that cohort I would immediately dismiss the private school candidate's results as mostly fiction...

Yes, I must admit that that was what made me feel more negative about private schools. They could be said to be to blame for any positive discrimination that unis might use when they look at state school applications now.

The absolute dishonesty of many private schools during COVID was so blatant as to demonstrate their arrogance. But they actually did their students no favours.

Going NC sounds a tad dramatic. She needs to stop going on about it obviously because it must be a little tedious so I’d just have a word and explain that it’s irritating, hopefully she then stops.