To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

[Maria1979]

For background: my older Dsis is a teacher (or was because she's working in another field now) and is against private schools. She has worked in ONE private school for three years and is an expert (according to herself) of how things are done in all schools whether private or not. She has got one DD who went in to the local secondary y7. My DS went in to private school y7 (they're the same age). Ever since she has not stopped with her comments on private schools. According to her they give out good grades because the parents are paying for it. The school we chose is not expensive compared to most and they have a waiting list and only take in children who are already "good students" just like grammar school so I told Dsis that maybe that's why the students got good grades. She would not hear about it. She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc). I don't tell her that, I just nod, smile and say I'm happy you're happy and leave it at that. She's not jealous; DStepM helped us out with the fees and said she would help Dsis too if she wanted it. Every single time we talk she has to put DS's school down. She has the decency to be subtle about it infront of DS but she still has to say something. I asked her to not be so negative about something she knows nothing about. My DS is highly sensitive and quite fragile and he would be a likely target for bullying in Dsis' DD's school. He is very happy about his school and I wish that she could just leave it.

I'm not exaggerating: every single time I see her she just has to make a snide remark. It's like she's mad at me for not making the same choices as she is. It's gotten to a point where I want to go nc with her because she always makes me so upset and I feel so defensive around her just waiting for her "remark of the day". So AIBU to go nc with her until she has accepted to stop putting down DS's school ?

@Maria1979

It's very hard but to save relationships when they go into a tailspin and sometimes you have to be the bigger person.

Again, I really recommend the Power of Now Workbook by Eckhart Tolle. It's not a big book, can read it quickly but explains how we constantly dig our heels in to be right.

If for one moment we think we aren't right, it's like our power dissolves and we experience and ego death, which is too close to real death and makes us feel shame etc. Many of us will do ANYTHING to avoid this feeling.

But in the end after this happens, we are still alive, still there to love, to surrender, to forgive, to move on.

In the end do you want to be right, or do you want to have a sister?

And she in some kind of way should ask herself the same question - but it may be she is not ready for this sort of thing.

I also really recommend watching the last video I posted from YouTube showing how to flip someone from rude to respectful. It's powerful. It takes skilled handling of someone defending their ego to neutralise it. Give it a try :) but also be aware of your own. And that's what the Power of Now workbook should give you some idea of.

Your child's only been there 5 minutes and 11 and 12 year olds are completely different to 14 and 15 year olds.

Just because his tears didn't get him bullied this time, don't assume it might not in the future.

I think you need to remove the rose tinted glasses for your son's sake.

I said without so much not without any. It sounded to me like it's all been very "your choices are great and mine are OK too" but I may be wrong. I think it should be more "We are both adults who made choices for our kids and I'm not going round in circles about the choice" unless op doesn't want a relationship with her sister and wants to to nc in which case "sod off" should work

Are you really telling us everything?

Sounds like you've naturally been discussing choice of schools with your sister as she's interested in her nephew and maybe she's been reassuring you about the state school. You really are being drastically negative about it and drastically positive about the private school - eg saying 1/3 of the ss students would be so terrible and so definitively that 'he would have been bullied' and that your ds is a quiet kid who just wants to learn which just wouldn't have been possible in the state school.

We all want to feel we've done our best by our kids within our means, and that we've put their interests first and will gloss over potential negative aspects of our choices. Maybe your sister felt talked down to and as if you're being a little smug if you showed even half the attitude about the state school to her as you have here. Maybe you need a little more self-awareness, and both agree to stop talking about schools. How do you know you haven't annoyed her also?

OP you might also find this thread- in AIBU today- illuminating too (promise it’s not me under a different username).

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5166832-have-you-taught-at-a-private-school

Obviously- as this thread shows- not all schools are the same but it might be useful to illustrate that the idea that private = good, state = bad is just not right.

You cannot possibly know that he would have been bullied. Nor do you know he will not be bullied in the future at private school. It's nice that you're currently happy with your kids' school, but you can't make sweeping statements about things you have hardly experienced. You weren't happy with the private school last week, who knows what you'll think in a years time.

Agreed. I used to really struggle with an ex-work colleague until I had some really good mentoring, my mentor told me to step away from always having the last word and to let my ex colleague have it instead.
It really changed how I worked with her, I still mentally practice it now with argumentative people.

Thank you. My older DS went to the state one so I know it. Didn't want to get away from the subject but I guess I have to explain how I know for a fact that it's not a good school (even if some teachers are great the director is horrible to the staff so obviously they are under a lot of pression providing for SEN and also non English speaking. Lots of children without invested parents so no respect of teachers.

' I'm not going to sacrificey DS over principles when we had the offer from Dsm to help us out with the fees.

Perhaps she thinks there's something pathetic about hitting up grandparents for money like this. I know I don't have much respect for adults going after grandparents retirement funds for luxuries they couldn't otherwise afford.

Shame all the other 'highly sensitive and quite fragile' kids, can't also benefit from rich grandparents, although maybe they will be better prepared for the real world.

Or maybe the gps offered and think education is worth investing in.

I'd confront her very bluntly. I'd say something along the lines of "are you aware how rude you are being by slating our sons school and the choices we have made for him? If you've got a problem then why don't we just hash it out right here and now, once and for all?"

It doesn't sound like the OP "hit them up" at all. Where are you getting that from? It sounds like they offered. There's nothing wrong with a grandparent offering to fund something which will be beneficial to their grandchild.

'Or maybe the gps offered and think education is worth investing in'

Indeed. Investing in, interesting term. If they have enough money, and I really hope they and aren't leaving themselves vulnerable down the line, spare for unnecessary luxuries for someone else then so be it.
I'd be embarrassed to be taking money like that, but obvs it's just one opinion and plenty of people aren't. Including OP.
But if the Dsis wouldn't - and it really comes down to values - that could be part of the issue.

I really don’t get this apparent “trend” on MN to go straight to no contact with your FAMILY when the slightest issue comes up. Are these people all children who can’t have a grown-up conversation with their own sibling when they’re pissed off about something they’ve done? Sorry but it’s kinda pathetic. Family can be tricky but they’re often the only people in the world who truly love you and would be there if you were really down on your luck/sick/skint etc. don’t take them for granted and don’t end a lifelong relationship over a disagreement about schools. Some people have no one. Just tell her it upsets you and you don’t want to talk about the subject anymore.

Static staff turnover isn’t necessarily a good thing, neither is a high turnover a bad thing.
How do you know what the staff turnover is? Do you know why staff move on? You’re making some massive assumptions seeing as your only experience of private schooling is your own child as opposed to her 3 years actually working in one,

You both sound as bad as each other. You seem to look down on the state school and she doesn't like private schools.

No need for NC just don't discuss this subject

I would send an email, letter or text spelling out it's getting in the way of your relationship and that you are pleased your niece is thriving and that your son is too. That you don't want to have parental choice cause conflict and that you are setting a boundary that there's no more discussion, snide remarks, remarks in general about schools. It's an off topic conversation b/c you value your relationship with dsis & niece too much.

Haha, I feel you. My DS has just entered private y7 so he might not be a teflon yet. But I am happy that the teachers can teach instead of being social workers/police etc. His teacher told me last year that if we could go private, then go for it. She thinks the children are worse and worse every year and that they had lost numerous teaching hours on dealing with bullying, violence and degradation and nutty parents y6 so if you have a calm, polite DC who wants to learn private (it depends ofcourse) is the better option. Otherwise he would have followed the others in his class to the state secondary. I'm talking about ten out of thirty students who behaved really obnoxious but that's enough to want to go simewhere else.

Judgemental much????

Tell her “they” do not give out good grades, the students sit exams and exams are marked by the exam board, who then issue the grades. I have been a support staff member for 18 years at a private school & would recommend private over state if affordable!

Do you mean physically attacked or just jeered at? There's a reason so many come out of private school with no sense of reality or self-awareness.

She's obviously very jealous. Don't go nc but just distance when you can't contend with the put downs.

I get you. It’s super annoying after so many times asking her to move on. I have a friend like this and I do limit contact with her for this reason.

Why would she be jealous when she's been offered the same help from her children's grandparents? She's chosen to turn it down because she believes in state education.

Whenever women explain other women's disapproval or different opinions by saying that they're just jealous, I'm reminded of little girls on the playground.

Or they will go to grammar school/ a good state school ? Ours isn't.