To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

[Maria1979]

For background: my older Dsis is a teacher (or was because she's working in another field now) and is against private schools. She has worked in ONE private school for three years and is an expert (according to herself) of how things are done in all schools whether private or not. She has got one DD who went in to the local secondary y7. My DS went in to private school y7 (they're the same age). Ever since she has not stopped with her comments on private schools. According to her they give out good grades because the parents are paying for it. The school we chose is not expensive compared to most and they have a waiting list and only take in children who are already "good students" just like grammar school so I told Dsis that maybe that's why the students got good grades. She would not hear about it. She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc). I don't tell her that, I just nod, smile and say I'm happy you're happy and leave it at that. She's not jealous; DStepM helped us out with the fees and said she would help Dsis too if she wanted it. Every single time we talk she has to put DS's school down. She has the decency to be subtle about it infront of DS but she still has to say something. I asked her to not be so negative about something she knows nothing about. My DS is highly sensitive and quite fragile and he would be a likely target for bullying in Dsis' DD's school. He is very happy about his school and I wish that she could just leave it.

I'm not exaggerating: every single time I see her she just has to make a snide remark. It's like she's mad at me for not making the same choices as she is. It's gotten to a point where I want to go nc with her because she always makes me so upset and I feel so defensive around her just waiting for her "remark of the day". So AIBU to go nc with her until she has accepted to stop putting down DS's school ?

You can also start treating your children like crap so they are "prepared for the real world". It's not because you go to private school that you can't have friends with diverse backgrounds. My DS has been in state for 11 years and he's kept his good friends even if they don't go to the same school. Their parents have never given me grief about DS going private.

Your sister sounds exhausting! I would say something along the lines of "I won't be discussing this matter any further". My mother is exactly like your sister, you have to draw a line somewhere, otherwise you will never hear the end of it. If I was talking to my mother on the telephone for example and she kicked off, I would simply hang up. It took a few times, but eventually she got the point

If “she’s a lovely person” as you say, it’s a ridiculous over-reaction to go NC (maybe think through the long term implications of that), just tell her how angry she is making you, add that you often feel like cutting off contact with her over this.

Yes, my thoughts too.

Sounds like she is jealous but would never admit it and perhaps she can’t afford it even with MiL support

id just try to ignore comments about it and each time she tries to mention something about it rapidly change the subject to the weather or her shoes or whatever

Sounds like she is jealous

And another one. Sometimes people simply have their own principles and opinions, and stand by them. It's always juvenile to jump to 'she must be jealous' but even sillier when OP has said that money isn't preventing sis choosing private.

Yes sis is annoying, but it doesn't have to mean she's jealous.

Just be clear that you don’t want to keep talking about this topic with her. Tell her how you feel

I think that private schools are a complete waste of money and are often attended by the children of social climbers and chippy middle class parents…BUT I would in all probability never ever express this opinion to someone - even a close relative - who sends their kids there. It’s their money and their children.

It depends on the state school you have got though. Some are great, others ok and some are just awful. In the latter case it's not a waste of money to go private.

The same could be said of private schools

Many private schools are absolutely dire, but it's like a cult, parents don't see it our want to see it until they're on the outside... who wants to admit that they're spending a fortune for a mediocre education?

'I really don’t get this apparent “trend” on MN to go straight to no contact with your FAMILY when the slightest issue comes up.'

I know! IRL I don't know anyone NC with close family members, despite some have really tricky relationships... and suddenly there's a ' my sister annoys me' post should I go NC ?! It so odd. Or there's MUCH more to the story.

Yep, it's a pretty big issue that your bitchy sister is trying to bully you constantly for whatever her weird reasons. Gross that she's bringing up her daft notions in front of your kid too.

Avoiding her for a while, as you explained you planned to do, is a great idea since she's doing it deliberately. Since she already knows what she's doing she can either stop it, or stop seeing you.

Once you've avoided her for a while perhaps she'll start acting less like a bullying bitch. Fingers crossed.

You can't control her nasty snark but you can control whether you tolerate it or not.

Sure, but you do your research first obviously.

I don't think the teachers are better in private. It's just that the teachers can actually spend their time teaching instead of dealing with antisocial behaviour.

In my experience of private schools what makes them superior are the facilities and opportunities. Two of my GSs are at a private school and they have the choice of so many activities - for instance, music wise there are 4 choirs, two orchestras, a jazz band, practice rooms, chamber groups, small rock combos, opportunities to perform in prestigious venues (St Paul's cathedral last year), lots of qualified music specialists, and an ethos where music matters and is not seen as uncool. Similar applies to sport, drama, art, debating and anything else you care to mention.

There are good things and bad things about the school, things I approved of and things I don't, but overall they simply would not have had these opportunities at any other local school.

Do I feel bad about other chidlren who do not get these opportunies? - of course I do - amongst those children are 5 more of my GC.

How do we bring other schools up to the same standard of opportunities? Goodness knows, but it is something I fervently hope for.

Honestly I think if the OP wanted to hear some more private school bashing then she'd just speak to her sister - that's not what she posted for.

I teach in a state school but think most private schools are much better!

Except the one that my cousins attended, as both left with mediocre GCSEs and very little passion about learning!

A "bright" child will thrive in any school, but a "mediocre" child will be far better off in a private school as the classes are much smaller so much more one to one attention.

@Maria1979 I'd have a strong word with your sister & say the above, that it's nice her daughter is super bright and will thrive in a state secondary school, but your own DC is very different and a state school is NOT the best environment for him, so although you appreciate she is more knowledgeable on private schools than you are, you are more knowledgeable on what is best for your child so this topic is no longer open for discussion.

Definitely - sounds like they've been talking about choice of schools and the OP has probably sanitised/left out her side of the conversation

Excuse me?!?!? What a vile person you are.

Just change the subject. Every bloody time.

You need to have a frank discussion with your sister about this. Explain how wound up it's making you and suggest that it's a no go topic from now on. You clearly both have very strong opinions about this and I'm guessing the conversations between you have been a lot more two way than you've made out! Going nc and expecting her to work out why is pretty childish.