To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

I would not have planned a wedding where my mother didn’t have a private room. To me, that would mean the venue was unacceptable.

You aren't being selfish at all.... It is your wedding!!! Your mum should be grateful to have been offered a space. If it was my daughter getting married and I had to share I would never turn it down and miss out on the occasion!! If she wants her own place then she can pay to do so, she shouldn't put that burden on you!

You aren't being selfish at all.... It is your wedding!!! Your mum should be grateful to have been offered a space. If it was my daughter getting married and I had to share I would never turn it down and miss out on the occasion!! If she wants her own place then she can pay to do so, she shouldn't put that burden on you!

Personally I wouldn't share a room - how much is a cab likely to cost her?
If she is staying elsewhere, can she take +1 so she's not on her own?

YANBU.

Just calmly stick to "We've looked at all possible venues and this one ticks the most boxes for us. We've booked it, and there is a bed for you as A has kindly agreed to share with you. I know it's not what you would choose, but that is where our wedding party is happening. Full stop. We'd like you to come, but understand f you don't."

Don't get into arguments or discussions about why you chose there, or any other questions. Just stick to the fact it is there and that is how it is.

This.

I wouldn’t expect my mum to share a room but she wouldn’t fuss about not being by the beach so it’s 50-50 really.

No, as mother of the bride I wouldn’t want to be sharing Why can’t this bridesmaid share with the other bridesmaids and your mum have her own room?

YANBU. Given you've only just reconciled, if she wanted to maintain a relationship, she'd be grateful to be included at all in my view.

@Ponderingwindow @IfIHadAHeart
OP wasn't speaking to her mother when the wedding was booked, she reached out after and invited her.
Having to share a room isn't the end of the world especially with someone she's known for 30 years.

I'd sleep in a bin behind Aldi to be able to be there for my daughter on her wedding day. I'll never understand how some mums are so comfortable making their daughter's weddings about them.

MuddlingThrough1724 · Today 00:07

YANBU. Given you've only just reconciled, if she wanted to maintain a relationship, she'd be grateful to be included at all in my view.

Oh, just entirely! She's trying to make it all about her; if it goes ahead, I think that in a few months, that Katthedog will have another thread about how her mother created drama out of nowt and ruined her wedding.

I wouldn't want to share a room but if I'm not paying and it's what someone else has chosen, I'd just have to suck it up. Especially for my daughter's wedding. I'd just reply, "I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss you. Let me know if you change your mind." It's not my place to tell my child where to have their wedding.

I imagine this sort of behaviour is why you weren’t talking in the first place. I don’t know what the solution is though. Would it be less painful to just cave to her demands and have her at your wedding? Or would it be better to be firm (yet fair) and tell her that she can either share a room or book accommodation elsewhere? I would be a bit worried that her behaviour is just going to escalate as your wedding day approaches.

I wouldn't want to share a room with anyone so can understand her not wanting to share with the bridesmaid. But I wouldn't miss the wedding because of that! If she really wanted to go, she'd either get on with it or find somewhere else to stay that suited her better - close to the beach and not too far to the villa.

Gosh I have so many questions. Is she single because of divorce or did your dad die (if so I’m sorry). If she had a partner would you expect them to stay elsewhere? I know how I would feel, I am older than my daughter’s friends, I snore, I would not want to share for their sake! Is there somewhere she could stay within a taxi ride? Weddings abroad are not like ones at home, you do have (as the organisers) to make sure everyone has suitable
accommodation and I do get she’s been difficult but either you want her there and in your future life, or you don’t.

See it as a silver lining, it sounds like she'd ruin the whole thing.

Wanting to waken up and walk on the beach - your mother is confusing going on holiday with attending your wedding.

It is not about what she wants.
how much of this does she need to pay for ?
her flight
her flight and share of the room ?
Tho I expect as you have rented a villa that the cost of it is paid for by yourselves.

It would probably be for the best if your mother chooses to holiday elsewhere.

Tho you should probably have allocated her a room in the villa ahead of other members of the wedding party, or chosen a villa that was actually large enough for all the wedding party.

It is very polite of the chief bridesmaid to share with your mother, I bet she doesn't actually want to.

Really curious to see how many people miss they weren't talking when wedding was booked before the threads done. You don't book private rooms for people who aren't talking to you

Echo this.

The OP clearly says she was estranged from her Mum when the wedding was booked so she wasn't factored into the room count

Lots apparantly 🙄

@MumonabikeE5
again; OP and her mum were not in contact when she booked wedding , read the OP fully!!

Your mother sounds like a drama lama and not necessarily someone you should plan your wedding around as if it’s not this, it may well be something else.

Having said that, I think expecting her to share is really poor form and the villa isn’t really large enough for what you are trying to do.

Hmmm I think expecting her to share is a bit unfair. BUT I think her comments suggest she is difficult. are they making you reconsider whether her coming is a good thing?