To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

This. Single people are almost always overlooked in this way.

And the OP’s actions suggest her mother was invited as an afterthought.

The Op says it was ' a few months '
during this time she got engaged
then she decided to reconcile as couldn't imagine getting married without mum there
but whilst deciding to reconcile, the op went ahead and booked the wedding, and allocated rooms to all the other members of the wedding party and immediate party.

clearly mum is not considered immediate family.

She sounds very dramatic but I really wouldn't want to share a room either.

If she’s not paying and wasn’t in contact at the time of the booking she has no grounds for complaint.

Clearly it’s not her kind of venue being away from beach, shops, tourist areas. But it’s your choice. So it’s tough luck.
Perhaps suggest she flies out just for a couple of days instead of full stay so she doesn’t have to share and be far from the amenities she wants for too long? Surely she could cope with that for a couple of days? Obviously she won’t want to book somewhere she has to stay by herself for the duration either.

What is she expected to pay for? Can you offer the flights so there is no excuse for her to refuse? I suspect she’ll still knock it back because it may be more about the drama and getting her own way than cost, but she really couldn’t say a thing in that instance if she refused to come.

If she can't put aside her own comfort for a few days to celebrate you, then that shows how much she prioritises your relationship.

Sometimes as adults we have to do things we don't want to and we don't get thing exactly as we would hope for. Its life. Tough.

I find it concerning that you have only just reconciled and yet she still Hs no issue casting a shadow over your wedding.

Weddings are often a bit grim for guests, I personally hate them. But if she doesn't want to get her own place then she needs to fit into the villa where there's space available.

I personally don't think that just because she's your mother, she deserves the entire planning of the wedding venue to revolve around her wants for her own room (like PP suggest).

I also think the way she has approached the conversations with you are nasty and not even considering YOU on YOUR day and that you love this place.

Bloody selfish.

I think that if you want her there, then you should be wholehearted about it and try you should make sure she has a nice room and doesn't have to share. It seems a little ungenerous and begrudging otherwise. Just because she isn't in a couple shouldn't mean she can't have her own room - given that she is your mum!

There was always a chance of reconciliation so I would have factored my mum in.

The op is effectively saying her mum isn’t in the bridal party. I would find that upsetting and it’s as if mum is an afterthought and messing up everyone else’s arrangements. Most people think the mother of the bride is an integral part of the bridal party. The mum is an afterthought here. If she had her own room she probably wouldn’t care about a beach. Who cares about the beaches near a wedding venue anyway? The op does as she’s counted them.

Not sure what the answer is but nature women like their own rooms and to feel they have some value. This mum might be lashing out but she’s not valued or wanted. I’m not really surprised she doesn’t want to go. Wasn’t it easy when you nipped to the register office and had a banging party afterwards?!

Agree with the previous poster who said about single people being overlooked, I'd hate to get dumped in a room with someone else that I didn't have a say in just because I'm not part of a couple, it's shit. Saying that, your mum sounds like she's being pretty unpleasant.

As a mum, I would discuss venue with dd to make sure it meets needs. My dd would be mature enough to think of me. We think of each other. Brides have become so dictatorial.

I would not expect my mother to share a room with a bridesmaid, and I don't care how long they've known each other, but I expect that no matter what you do, your mother will find a way to make everything a drama and all about her.

There will be no winning with her.

OP you are being unreasonable for asking Mumsnet, where sharing a room with anybody, even somebody you've known for 30 years for the sake of your daughter is absolutely abhorrent!!!

In reality, you are not being unreasonable at all! If your mother is choosing to not attend your wedding over this, then all I can say is you are better off because she would undoubtedly cause some drama over there if she did attend! Enjoy your wedding day!

The waking up to walk on the beach etc..is all just a red herring.

Your mum does not want to share.

Your mum may or may not be dramatic, difficult, selfish as PP have described her,
I still would not have my mum sharing a room.

It's not ideal to share but 'suck it up, buttercup.'
Nothing would stop me being there for my daughter's wedding.
She sounds like a bit of a nightmare and remember that if she doesn't come, it was entirely HER choice. It's not your fault

If you had read the OP, you would see that the mother is lucky to even have been invited, as it wasn’t planned at the beginning. She could also stay somewhere else if she wanted to.

Did you read the full OP? I think you have the dictator assigned incorrectly.

Do you think your mother would have come if she did have her own room anyway? Or is it likely that she’s just coming up with any excuse to be difficult to make it about herself?

Usually MN threads about weddings abroad have everyone saying how the bride and groom are selfish for expecting people to spend a lot of money and use up days of annual leave to go to abroad to somewhere they might not even want to go. All that plus having to share with someone you are not close to, I wouldn't be happy about going.

The location itself also sounds pretty horrible for guests. Having to drive everywhere, not everyone is comfortable driving in a foreign country or can afford the cost of a hire car on top of everything else.

Can she drive? Or will she be stuck in the villa the whole time and not be able to get out and about?

"Its your wedding so here are my demands....."

No. Reply should be "OK. Let me know if you change your mind, A has said that she is still prepared to let you share with her"

My dd is getting married next Summer. I would be totally shocked if she told me l had to share a room with one of her bridesmaids. I know we have never fallen out and are very close but have a little bit of respect for your mom and get her a room for herself. Weddings are family occasions and casting her aside is such an awful way is shocking. I presume the grooms parents have their own room.

You're missing that she started planning her wedding and choose the venue while she was NC with her mother.

In this situation if I was looking forward to rebuilding the relationship with my daughter I would go with getting a room at another hotel instead of sharing but to throw a tantrum will just destroy whatever is left of her relationship with her daughter.

I agree that if their relationship was in a good place when she started planning the wedding I would expect her to ensure her mother has her own room rather than expect her to share or stay at another hotel but unfortunately they were not on speaking terms until OP decided to reach out to see if they can rebuild their relationship.

Your mother doesn’t want to go. If she did, she would be thinking up solutions (makeshift partition/sleeping on sofa/etc.) instead of highlighting the negatives (too far from beach/in the middle of nowhere). Tell her kindly that you’re sorry she can’t make it and then go and enjoy your wedding.

If she wants to go to the beach, she can go to the beach. If she wants to go to her daughters wedding, she can go to her daughters wedding, but they are different things. She is making a choice op and you aren’t responsible for that.

This

You were better off no contact with your mum. I wouldn't reply to these messages. Just block her and get on with the wedding without her.