To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

That’s just your opinion, personally I disagree. Why would mother of the groom be above mother of the bride? I also don’t agree bridesmaids are more important than parents; I’ve been to lots of small ceremonies where there weren’t any bridesmaids but parents were always there.

Clearly people can't be shuffled if every other bed is taken up. If there are no single rooms, then she has to share. Though I think asking the chief bridesmaid to share is also not great.

A ten minute drive from beach and nearest shops pretty much IS in the middle of nowhere if you don't have a car, btw.

But yep, as she's a last minute add on, due to previous behaviour, the normal rules don't really apply. I'd be pretty sad if my DD put me in a room with someone else, but this is a different situation. And it does sound as though she'd be a nightmare if she comes. So...

How do you get that ranking? A few of those seem odd to me.

I was definitely more important than the father of the bride in the process towards the wedding. I took my DD shopping, paid for her dress, took her to get it altered and pick it up, made the cake by hand over weeks (professional skills), helped her problem solve any glitches, discussed issues and dilemmas, hosted lunch with the groom's mother and sister which I cooked and held in my home, to name a few. Her father marched her down the aisle - something she was quite capable of doing in her own or with me. I actually don't think he was more or less important than me, but I sure had a bigger role.

My take is that this room share wouldn't be fair on the bridesmaid, who has been friends with op for most of their lives.

YANBU. It sounds like you planned your wedding when you were estranged and now you're making an effort to try to include her, which she's decided doesn't meet her 'standards'. What would she suggest? That you cancel the whole thing?

OK. The room business is a taste of what you will be letting yourself in for if she attends the wedding.

I imagine you reconciled and invited her out of guilt or misguided hope that she might behave herself.

This is who she is. Be grateful she isn’t coming. If anyone asks, you say your mother couldn’t attend for personal reasons.

Everyone saying to shuffle things round - the OP can’t everyone else is in couples! You can’t possibly have a third person bunking in with a couple.

You booked the villa before you reconciled. It's unfortunate that she can't have her own room, so fine that she doesn't come. Try not to fall out about it - you presumably don't want to become estranged again.

This

Really?
It's OPs wedding, not her mum's.
Remember they've only recently reconciled.

For everyone saying it’s impossible to share, then stay in a hotel nearby, or get another villa. No one is forcing her to share the room. Or she can not come at all. That’s the options available.

Your list is unusually specific. What exactly is is that places the mother of the groom above the mother of the bride? 🤔

My list of wedding party importance would be:

-bride and groom (obviously)
-parents of the b&g and bridesmaids and ushers who are siblings
-best man
-other bridesmaids, ushers, flower girl and page boys.

I wouldn't dream of making my daughter's wedding all about me. That would make my behaviour as a mother and well, just as an adult, unacceptable.

As a mother, I'd do anything to be there and to help make your wedding day memorable for all the right reasons. To echo another poster, I fear if she comes she'll attempt to sabotage your special day.

100% this.

Hold your head high don't give in to emotional blackmail and simply respond with
"that's your choice which we respect. The location is where we want to be for our wedding and the Villa was booked in advance."

Leave it as that don't give in to any drama and if she starts with waterworks etc then you just repeat the same sentence followed with there is a shared room available if you wish to come.

I’m a bit torn - part of me thinks the OP has picked a venue that is no doubt beautiful but also sounds very isolated so for me her reasonableness partly depends whether she’s paying for everything including transport for those invited or expecting them to pay.

I then think the mother is kicking off a bit too much. She may well be disappointed or unhappy but if she pushes too far she’ll get herself uninvited. I wouldn’t want to share but I’d suck it up especially if I had difficult relationship with my daughter.

Did you miss that the rest of the guests were couples?

I think you've treated your mum pretty shittily by expecting her to share a room. I don't know why you didn't find a villa that could actually accommodate everyone, or if you were dead set on this one, why you didn't prioritise your mum over others in the wedding party. It's pretty shit for your chief bridesmaid as well tbh. Very inconsiderate.

That said, if I were your mum, I wouldn't miss my daughter's wedding, I would just book myself into somewhere else to stay. I'm wondering whether the room situation might be just the tip of the iceberg.

Trying REALLY hard to find something reasonable to explain the mother’s behaviour: Will attending this wedding mean she doesn’t have enough cash or time off work to go on a holiday of her own choosing this year? If yes then I can kind of understand why she’s a bit disgruntled, about having the timing, location and room-mate of her only holiday chosen for her, but it’s her daughter’s wedding so she should really paste-on a smile and put up with it.

Are you having more people to your wedding, or is it just a small wedding party who will all be staying at the villa? If more guests are coming I assume they are staying at another local and joining you for the day? Could someone from the bridal party/immediate family go and stay at another hotel with the rest of the guests and your mum have her own room at the villa? Or your mum stay elsewhere but with the other guests so she's 'not on her own'?

I'm guessing she's hurt by her dd's behaviour. Yes, it's the OP's wedding, but that surely that doesn't mean that nobody else matters?

No, YANB selfish at all OP. Given that your wedding was planned while you were estranged from your DM she really can't expect to have a single room set aside just for her when the two of you weren't even speaking. However, she's not unreasonable for wanting her own room. My DM is far more reasonable, but she would hate that. Most people want privacy for sleeping, some people snore and know they do, others prefer to sleep naked, especially in a hot country, some people don't sleep well and have nighttime habits that aren't conducive to sharing a room with anyone - but particularly a friend of their DD. But given all that, and her preference to be by the beach, she should either take the bed offered or arrange a room on the beach. She's being a real dick atm.

Why is it an issue to share with another female? You all sound incredibly spoilt!

You go to your room to sleep. You’ll be with everyone else in the day.

What’s so difficult about that?

I go with friends, we share, if they want privacy to make a call or shower - we head downstairs for a drink and give each other space to get ready!!

No big deal.

I’d agree there;, we chose our wedding location/timing so that virtually everyone could arrive and get home by public transport if they wanted to. But in this instance, now that it’s all planned , mum has a choice of smiling through it, or giving her daughter a load of stress, and she appears to have chosen the latter.

Yeah, I also agree that it isn't right to make it into a massive drama. In this scenario, I wouldn't share but I would just book myself into another place to stay. I would be very upset if my dd treated me like that (don't think she ever would!) but I would suck it up and absolutely not show it.