To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

Your mother is a difficult person and the two of you don’t get on. The accommodation you booked isn’t suitable for her. I suggest you disinvite her. She will never be the mother you want and I suspect you’re not the daughter she’d like to have.
Cut your losses and enjoy your wedding.

Thanks @Floppyelf x

Then I think you haven’t offered your mum an olive branch you have offered her a thorny cane, knowing that what you were offering wasn’t reasonable, that she would show her unhappiness which would leave you d
feeling righteous- that either she wouldn’t come - and you could say that she had been invited but didn’t want to celebrate with you, or she would come and would be unhappy - because her room mate despises her, makes her feel uncomfortable, on top of feeling uncomfortable with sharing a room in late middle age- and when she inevitably makes a scene or looks unhappy, you can say well even though I invited her she’s not thankful or enthusiastic, she clearly doesn’t care for me, she should have tried harder.

I think your mum shouldn’t come.

Clearly you had an unhappy childhood relationship with her, and your feelings about this are not resolved, because you haven’t be able to invite her to the wedding as Mother of The Bride. You’re squeezing her in with someone who despises her.

im sorry that life has been like this for you.
we all have ideas about what we would like are parents and family to be like, and without doubt in real life yours was lacking, (mine too)
but inviting her now, like this, wasn’t going to be the repair you’d imagine.

your mum would need a comfortable place to rest, dress, sleep, if she was going to be on her A Game, and clearly she’d have to work hard to do that, but you’re giving her suboptimal conditions in which to bring that A Game, and that’s kinda unfair- to both of you.

"Actually she was invited to attend wedding dress shopping at a store where I booked 3 hours, prosecco and goodies for the guests etc a lovely day out. She declined"

Well given the context one can't help wondering if she was invited at the last minute in circumstances she could not manage.
Or she may have had other commitments.
If all this is supposed to be a "reconciliation" it looks bound to fail. Comes over as putting her in a difficult position and then feeling aggrieved if she does not accept.
It's hardly surprising if she doesn't want to go. Being able to consider her point of view is simply basic courtesy - it does not mean everyone had wonderful relationships with their mothers.

@PorridgeEater
Are you the mum?
Looks like you've taken anything Katthedog has said in a negative way.
I believe that's what her unforgiving mother would do or say. The daughter couldn't do anything right no matter how far she bent to accommodate her (the mother).
Usually the mother is the one trying hard to be part of her daughters wedding like many women have expressed.

@PorridgeEater I thought this! I thought not only was inviting my mum to the wedding and paying for her accommodation pretty ok of me considering the things she's done over the years, particularly this year. But even before I discussed the venue with her, I invited her along to wedding dress shop at the same time as I invited my bridesmaid, my step daughter, my son and his boyfriend. None of them declined or felt like they were an afterthought, despite asking them all the same day. I did say that because of childcare for my youngest and my hubby to bes schedule for looking after her that this was the only day I could do, everyone made it (step daughter would usually be with her mum but she still arranged to come) - my mum was the only one who declined. No reason given, a text to say she won't be attending.

OP, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, and I think the PPs claiming you have somehow done this on purpose or are being unfair to your mum by not planning it more to her taste when she wasn’t even speaking to you are honestly being a bit cruel.

When I got married my mum was in the late stages of terminal cancer but if for some reason I needed her to share with one of my bridesmaids I can absolutely guarantee she would have done it, and whatever she thought about it she would have told me she LOVED the idea so as not to worry me, because she was so excited to be at our wedding and for us to have a lovely day.
I’m so sorry that you don’t have that support from your mum on your wedding day, it isn’t fair. It does sound like you have a fabulous best friend and family of your own though ☺️

Not sure if this has been suggested but if she gets on well with the kids could you offer that she share with them (if it’s big enough for a ‘family room’) then take over the bridesmaids room when she leaves?

It sounds like you have tried to offer solutions, including trying to plan excursions and beach days to suit her during the rest of the trip. It seems that she is deliberately making this difficult (particularly as she has been happy travelling solo or sharing before, and is well capable!) so it may be the case that nothing you offered would be enough.

I hope you have a beautiful wedding!

People who don't have toxic passive aggressive mothers don't get it.

You have already spent far too much head space on her.

Tell her these are the available options - share with BM or stay elsewhere with other family. Or don't come.

And then stop thinking about it.

I hope for your sake she doesn't come
You will have a much easier time that way.

If she flounces off because you're not moving the whole thing to a beach to please her or some other ridiculous reason let her go. Do not try to appease her. Nothing will be good enough.

Just because someone has given birth doesn't make them a mother in the ways that truly matter.

^ basically what they said 😀

I have to say, I feel really sorry for you OP. I think your mum is being really unreasonable. And I think the people here who expect mums to be catered for above everyone else, clearly have loads of money and have never had to think about compromise for people.

I hate sharing, but if my daughter was getting married and invited me to stay for free, I would sleep anywhere I was offered a bed. Crikey, I’m away with work in a few weeks and sharing with 2 colleagues to save money. None of us would choose it, but we want to go and need to make it work. That’s life. It’s not your mums wedding lovely, it’s yours.

It sounds wonderful. If she chooses not to go, as a grown up that is entirely her choice. You have offered reasonable choices for her. If it were the other way around, everyone would be telling you to suck it up and support your mum- I would say the same to her.

I hope it all goes well and you have a fabulous wedding.

if she doesn’t want to go, I would love to go to a wedding in Italy! 😉😂

YANBU - it is your wedding.

She sounds a nightmare.

I think I'd be uninviting her.

If you offer her a room of her own (don't!!) she's still not waking up to walk out on to a beach so will still moan. And if you gave her a room on a beach elsewhere (don't!!) she'll moan - you can't win and it's draining the enjoyment from your wedding. Not worth it!!

Your mum is a selfish asshole. Cut ties, she obvioulsy doesnt give a shit about you.

Your mum is a selfish asshole. Cut ties, she obvioulsy doesnt give a shit about you.

I've been NC with my mum for about 8 years now because of behaviour like this. I've been married 31 years and still remember her throwing her toys out of her pram because I wasn't leaving for the church from her house (I was already living with my DH and wanted to go from my own home). She then made a fuss that she'd have to get a taxi when I'd already said she'd be with me, helping me to get ready, but in my home. It was the first time I actually stood up to her and told her it was my way or no way. She did come to my wedding and actually behaved herself (mostly) but of course she was playing the proud mother of the bride.

As pp has said, give her the options and then try not to think too much about it, it's your day and shouldn't be about her. I'd also consider going fully NC as it's done wonders for me and my MH.

Any news from your mum OP? Hope it has resolved for you.

@CraftyYankee I suggested she asks a cousin that we're both really close to where he's staying- she hasn't contacted him and she's standing firm on that she's not coming. My young daughter keeps talking to her about the wedding and she seems unphased, to be fair chatting to her like she's excited not avoiding it as my daughter is little. But not even that is budging her. Nobody can believe it really- my eldest daughter said she doesn't think we can survive this and I think she's right! I feel like I'm going to snap at her at any moment

Why couldn’t you coordinate with the cousin? Offer your mum a practical and respectful solution.

Why should she? She’s done enough, and her mum is being a dick and making it all about her. I’d sleep in a tent to be at my daughter’s wedding. I certainly wouldn’t be making her life a misery when she should be in bridal planning bliss.

@MumonabikeE5 @Nightowl1234 the only reason i know she's not contacted my cousin is that in fact I did contact him to see what we could do- could he encourage her to stay at the same venue as him? (By the beach like she wants for her 'holiday')

But you know even my cousin who is my mums age said to just get on with my wedding planning and said that this is awful and she shouldnt be behaving this way. He said if she contacts him he will do his best but that due to how she's behaved, we shouldnt be chasing her to attend her own daughters wedding. In short, everyone is cross with her selfish attitude!

@MumonabikeE5 @Nightowl1234 Also given how controlling she is, there's no way I would ever risk coming up with a solution myself - I could never have guessed that one of the reasons she was angry with me for having the villa as the venue for reception and 7 night (paid for!) stay was because it wasn't right next to a beach! So if my cousin isn't staying EXACTLY where my mum wants for her 'holiday' we wouldn't be able to offer an acceptable solution!

@Nightowl1234 is the the kind of mother we all wish we had.

Let's be honest - even if you changed the entire venue to a place by the sea, she'd still find something wrong with it and a reason not to attend. Enjoy a stress-free wedding without her.

preserve your peace, don't let her take one more second of your happy pre wedding time.