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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mum to share a room?

399 replies

Katthedog · 15/09/2024 23:47

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 16/09/2024 03:56

I know they were estranged. I still wouldn’t have planned a wedding that made my parent’s attendance difficult. The wedding doesn’t need to be abroad and it doesn’t need to lack private rooms. Those were choices op made.

in fact, the choices op has made in terms of making it difficult for her parent to attend, makes me wonder about the split of responsibility for the estrangement.

Nightowl1234 · 16/09/2024 03:57

Your mum sounds like a dick. Go NC and enjoy your wedding planning and actual wedding without her drama.

WildCats24 · 16/09/2024 04:14

@Katthedog This is very similar to what my mum did at my wedding. Happy to discuss via message.

Peaky18 · 16/09/2024 04:16

@Katthedog your mother should be treated respectfully and have her own room where her daughter is getting married from. The bridesmaids should understand and share.

DreamTheMoors · 16/09/2024 04:21

Reading comprehension is apparently not everyone’s strong suit.

The lovely place in Italy WAS BOOKED BEFORE @Katthedog MUM WAS INVITED.

SAVVY??

And all y’all saying “well, if this was my wedding…”
It isn’t your wedding. It’s someone else’s wedding. Go tut tut someplace else and try to give the OP at least the appearance of some support.

Sheezus.

Onthemaintrunkline · 16/09/2024 04:35

You’re between the devil and the deep blue sea really! You are not close, but she’s your Mum. If she comes she may create, but if she’s not there, on the day you’ll be missing her, which may in fact put a downer on the day. I think as your Mum she should have a room on her own, but how you are going to sort it heaven only knows. Move someone else?

Alternatively your Mum shouldn’t be calling the shots. Co-operation should maybe be explained to her!

Mamarnd2 · 16/09/2024 04:49

Ponderingwindow · 15/09/2024 23:50

I would not have planned a wedding where my mother didn’t have a private room. To me, that would mean the venue was unacceptable.

maybe if her mum was a little nicer to her she would’ve been more of a consideration!! It’s OP’s wedding; not her mothers.

OP tell her to like it or lump it. From your post she seems like the sort of woman who will find a fault in anything anyway

Katielovesteatime · 16/09/2024 04:49

I wouldn’t go to a wedding, or any event, where I had to share a bedroom.

but then I wouldn’t change my wedding plans for a mum I didn’t get on with either.

travellinglighter · 16/09/2024 04:54

Ponderingwindow · 16/09/2024 03:56

I know they were estranged. I still wouldn’t have planned a wedding that made my parent’s attendance difficult. The wedding doesn’t need to be abroad and it doesn’t need to lack private rooms. Those were choices op made.

in fact, the choices op has made in terms of making it difficult for her parent to attend, makes me wonder about the split of responsibility for the estrangement.

Nothing made her mother’s attendance difficult other than the fact she’s being bloody awkward. No one chooses to share a room when they don’t have to but it’s op’s wedding and if she really wanted to go she’d compromise.

Saying that, my mum couldn’t share a room but that’s because she snores like a chainsaw with hiccups.

CheeseWisely · 16/09/2024 04:59

Has everyone else that's earmarked to stay at the Villa RSVP'd positively and booked their flights? When's the wedding?

I only say this because I once attended a wedding abroad as a bridesmaid where the (fairly remote) accommodation was dictated and I wouldn't be doing it again. It was a pain in the arse for the rest of the time we were there and I ended up resenting using a week of leave to be stuck somewhere not of my choosing.

In future I'd still go to the wedding but I'd source my own place to stay closer to things I'd enjoy doing for the rest of the time I was there.

The space issue may solve itself yet, but I wouldn't want to share a room with someone I wasn't related to either, to be perfectly honest. If you really want to reconcile can you bump a couple off to somewhere else to make space? At least a couple have each other for company.

Fraaahnces · 16/09/2024 05:08

Just write back “That’s a pity. Would have been nice to have you there.”

sashh · 16/09/2024 05:15

Ignore her and enjoy your wedding.

autienotnaughty · 16/09/2024 05:20

Ponderingwindow · 15/09/2024 23:50

I would not have planned a wedding where my mother didn’t have a private room. To me, that would mean the venue was unacceptable.

She wasn't speaking to her mum at that point.

autienotnaughty · 16/09/2024 05:22

Fine if she doesn't want to share she could arrange her own accommodation/taxi etc. not fine to be put out the wedding doesn't suit her.

HauntedbyMagpies · 16/09/2024 05:25

I think you are being slightly unreasonable she's the mother of the bride she should absolutely get her own room
I do agree that her attitude is not nice but the way you talk about her isn't nice either

maudelovesharold · 16/09/2024 05:25

OP you are being unreasonable for asking Mumsnet, where sharing a room with anybody, even somebody you've known for 30 years for the sake of your daughter is absolutely abhorrent!!!

I have close friends who I’ve known for 30+ years and I wouldn’t want to share a room with any of them! __

HauntedbyMagpies · 16/09/2024 05:27

Kelly51 · 16/09/2024 00:44

@MumonabikeE5
again; OP and her mum were not in contact when she booked wedding , read the OP fully!!

Yes but the wedding hasn't happened yet and people can be shuffled this is the mother of the bride ffs

HauntedbyMagpies · 16/09/2024 05:29

DreamTheMoors · 16/09/2024 04:21

Reading comprehension is apparently not everyone’s strong suit.

The lovely place in Italy WAS BOOKED BEFORE @Katthedog MUM WAS INVITED.

SAVVY??

And all y’all saying “well, if this was my wedding…”
It isn’t your wedding. It’s someone else’s wedding. Go tut tut someplace else and try to give the OP at least the appearance of some support.

Sheezus.

So what

The wedding hasn't happened yet so people can be shuffled around this is the brides mother for gods sake

EI12 · 16/09/2024 05:42

This

SleepGoalsJumped · 16/09/2024 05:47

I wouldn't expect anyone over the age of 40, least of all my own mother, to share with someone they aren't married to. I would not attend a group holiday where I would have to share in this way. The property you have booked is inadequate for the grroup. The insomnia and other nocturnal issues that become the new normal during the perimenopause process make it very difficult to share with anyone at all - and whilst such issues may not affect everyone I wouldn't expect anyone to have to disclose such issues to get theit own room so would default to expecting to provide this for everyone except those who volunteer to share a room with a random.

Rather than expecting her to be solo elsewhere you should split the group and book a second propeety nearby so that a few people (one carload) can travel together to the other place each evening.

BeLoyalCoralHiker · 16/09/2024 06:00

MonsteraMama · 16/09/2024 00:09

I'd sleep in a bin behind Aldi to be able to be there for my daughter on her wedding day. I'll never understand how some mums are so comfortable making their daughter's weddings about them.

This.

Miniwaves07 · 16/09/2024 06:02

Could one of the other couples move to a differing nearby location OP? Then a room would be available for your Mum. I don't know back story with your Mum but I do think it's unfair to expect her to share a room. Currently at an abroad wedding in a remote location with driving required for beaches and local towns etc. The accommodation is beautiful but I would feel a bit anxious about coming here without my partner as it feels pretty isolated and wonder if your mum feels anxious about the isolation aspect and being stuck and dependent on others if feeling overwhelmed...esp if no individual room to retreat and recharge in. As I said don't know the back story but I don't think your Mum is being unreasonable based on info provided

Miniwaves07 · 16/09/2024 06:06

*is not

SleepGoalsJumped · 16/09/2024 06:08

This is a really nasty way to communicate to your mum "I don't care whether you come to my wedding, you were an afterthought and I made my plans assuming you wouldn't be there but we'll squeeze you in somehow if you can be arsed to come"

Talk about using an olive branch to slap someone in the face.

Conniebygaslight · 16/09/2024 06:18

please don’t allow her to come. She’ll only think of something else to complain about and take the light away from you. She’ll ruin the excitement of the run up to your wedding and no doubt cause a scene on the big day.