To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

Nothing from op for a while. Don't know if she has tried seeing if one of the couples could move so mother can stay at the villa. Do know mothers can be difficult but if op does want her to come she could try to make it less awkward for her. Do need to respect her feelings even if you don't like her very much.

Narcissistic personality disorder. Join the daughters of narc mums on fb. Read and post. Learn to grey rock. She just wants drama and attention. Just give her the options and tell her to decide. Do not chase her. She wdnt miss this wedding for the world, imagine how much attention she'll get as the mother of the bride?!! Keep reading about this condition, it'll help u learn to take her drama with a pinch of salt

I think I'm just taking in everyone's opinions. The ones who say they can't imagine doing that to their mum probably can't imagine their mum behaving like mine has over the years either.

I've said in a previous post that the other people staying in the villa are one bridesmaid, our children and fiancé's sister and brother in law (best man) and their children.

People who are there for us, people who support us, the ones that have said just tell us where to be at the wedding and we'll be there no questions asked, the ones who offer to babysit (my mother would never do this) the ones who want to see us, the ones who have this year encouraged a change of circumstances work wise and have supported us to make it work and thankfully it's paid off so well.

Before I discussed with my mum the arrangements of the wedding she came to the house to see me on our first meeting since we hadn't spoken. I had let her know that I was engaged.

She didn't ask one thing about the wedding, didn't ask to see the ring. Came down, paid some attention to my youngest daughter but didn't ask me anything. I asked her about work, how things were with the rest of the family that she's closer to, asked her about her hobbies. I got 0.

But I'm supposed to bend over backwards?

I'm really trying tu remember why I got back in touch if I'm honest as that day she really did remind me of the person she is. Yet we're still offering to pay for a weeks accommodation for her for our wedding and it's not good enough because she has to share and it's not near a beach.

I think I'm realising this isn't right from her and that's difficult to get across to people with loving mothers.

Thank you. The more I'm reading this on the thread the more I think that's correct. It's just really difficult to accept right?

"I once attended a wedding abroad as a bridesmaid where the (fairly remote) accommodation was dictated and I wouldn't be doing it again. It was a pain in the arse for the rest of the time we were there and I ended up resenting using a week of leave to be stuck somewhere not of my choosing.
The space issue may solve itself yet, but I wouldn't want to share a room with someone I wasn't related to either, to be perfectly honest. If you really want to reconcile can you bump a couple off to somewhere else to make space? At least a couple have each other for company."

Can relate to this! Suppose it depends whether op wants to reconcile or not - having wedding abroad does create extra complications.

Your mum is only a mother on a technicality. Distance yourself massively.

OP, your best friend and bridesmaid despising your mother tells us everything else we need to know.
I think whatever you do there will be drama, that is who she is.
I think having her at all is a massive mistake.
She will spoil this time for you, because that is who she is.
She can't see people having a nice time, and her not being the centre of attention.

You are trying to be a decent person involving her, but it is a mistake.
You will bitterly regret this.

Far better you accept her declining, put someone in the bed and tell her she can see the photos.
Shut down any other conversation about accommodation.
She will bring nothing but stress and angst running up to the wedding and you know you cannot depend on her to just be a support.

I guarantee that you will look back and say she was the one stress and annoyance you had and considering all the effort and money spent, you so wish you had accepted she wouldn't be there.

I know this from experience with friends when they bent themselves out of shape to accommodate a difficult family member like this.
Every single one of them would make a very different choice if they had the chance again.
Any mother who offers stress and anxiety to a bride at this special time simply doesn't deserve to be there.
It really is that simple.

...because all the other guests come as couples and so already occupy a room for two 🤷🏼‍♀️

You are not being selfish!
ok, it isn’t ideal to share a room if you don’t want to. But I am a mum/stepmum and I would do it for any of my three if it helped with their wedding day. It’s what you do as a parent. Unless she has medical issues that require more privacy?
Your mum is giving you problems and no solutions. Planning a wedding is stressful enough as it is. Unless she is quite elderly I still think she has a responsibility as a mum to be supportive. It seems she is being the opposite.
you’ve done what you can and sadly I think you may need to let go of this one. I’m so sorry you are dealing with crappy behaviour like this and I if it doesn’t resolve then I hope you find peace to move on and have a wonderful day anyway 🌺

This 👏. ❤️

This is good advice, but probably very difficult to hear.
OP I can really recommend some counselling to help you process this and stay 💪. It sounds like there are some deep-rooted issues here.

Just accept your mums 'decline' and get on with enjoying your wedding. People with loving mums have no idea what's it's like to have a mum that really doesn't care.

The amount of times people have said to 'but she's your mum' with zero understanding of how awful she can be. They wouldn't want to deal with her crap, I can assure you!

She'll ruin your wedding... don't change anything. Stick with your plans and accept that she won't be there. If you really want to be nice... have dinner with her when you get back (but I can guarantee she'd whinge about that too!).

You booked it when she wasn’t in your life so it’s understandable you hadn’t planned for her to have a room alone or accounted for her having issues sharing.

Now you’ve reconciled she doesn’t get to demand changes and special considerations in amending plans.

You are being fair, she is not. Just state it to her clearly, in writing as well if you feel you may need proof further down the line if she’s the type of person to miss quote you when dramatising it to others.

She can come and fit in with what you had planned or she can sort it out herself without expecting you to do it, or she can not come. Her choice.

it sounds as though her being there will add stress to your day second guessing the next drama/problem she has and you may be better off without her there.

She sounds really difficult but I am late 50's and wouldn't share a room with anyone else except hubby and kids. I see where she is coming from in that respect but I would book and pay for my own accommodation that suits me .

Mother of the bride is no more important than any other guest surely? ( and I have been there)

In my case it’s a father, not a mother. I still would not have planned my wedding in a way that made him feel othered or like he wasn’t really welcome. Our relationship is never going to be great. I know that. He has to know that. I’m not going to make it worse by setting up situations where he will be embarrassed by my calling attention to our strained relationship.

asking the mother of the bride to stay elsewhere is like shining a giant spotlight on your estrangement. She will have people asking her the whole time why she isn’t staying at the villa.

expecting people to share rooms with anyone other than a partner is just rude. Some people are ok with it, but many are not.

I would reply
‘I’m sorry you have decided this - if you change your mind there will still be the option to stay in the villa sharing with A’ and leave it as that

I agree with this, and I don't have the greatest relationship with my mother. However, this relationship sounds more dysfunctional than most mother daughter relationships.

My mother wouldn’t care about sharing, but, in all honesty I don’t know that I would have booked something where she needed to, but then I have a good relationship with her on the whole.

on the other hand your mother sounds difficult and like she wants to be as belligerent as possible. I suspect she may have found fault no matter what you did.

This might be one where you simply have to text back and say ‘Obviously I am disappointed that you don’t want to join us, but I respect your decision. Thanks for letting me know.’

Hi @Katthedog I can’t believe how many posts are negative about you marrying abroad or expecting your mum to share. Firstly, you weren’t even speaking when you planned the wedding; she should just be grateful to be invited. You have gone out of your way to accommodate her at the villa. If she doesn’t like it she can stay elsewhere. If she doesn’t want to share but doesn’t want to be on her own it sounds like she is just making excuses or being awkward on purpose, I’m sorry.
Secondly, I married abroad, put on a coach to bring guests etc. it was amazing. Enjoy every second of your day, whether your mum is there or not!

Are we sisters as your mum sounds like my mum! My mum was so difficult and I made myself sick as to whether she was coming on the day. But as she has massive FOMO she turned up. I’m the eldest and so first wedding and only wedding as she wasn’t invited to my brothers wedding. Technically he is my half brother but when mum and steps divorced he went with his dad.
it was all about her

so just say to her. I need a final decision on room by X date. It would be lovely to have you there but I understand if you feel you can’t make it work for you.
I mean you are having a kid in your room on your wedding night! Someone should offer to take them

I am nearly 60 and wouldn't opt for sharing either if I had a choice.
But not in a million years would I want to add to my daughters stress at this time.
I think most mums would just want to be there.
I bet the OP never puts herself first.

I guarantee she will be so pissed off with herself for giving her mother the power to fxxk up her wedding with her drama llama behaviour.

OP, how will your husband to be feel if your mother causes upset, as is her form.....and yet you insisted she come?

Might he be rightly pissed off?

Well if mum doesn’t come then it’s all plain sailing.

I think people in a settled relstionship with dc don’t always get the “wow” when they say they are getting married. It’s just not quite the same and often not seen in quite the same way by friends either. Hence a rather small wedding. Op has no blood relatives there?

Obviously this has been set up to exclude mum: it feels like a punishment.Shes an afterthought. Maybe that’s always been the case? I assume mum has been excluded from any meaningful planning and helping with anything,(dress, location, food, invitations, hen night etc) so is not really going to feel engaged with it. If I felt embarrassed about the sleeping arrangements I wouldn’t go and I’m sure most brides want some input from their mums. Op should just not have invited her mum and all this angst could have been avoided. It seems odd to have attempted to see her but it’s going through the motions. There’s no substance.

Actually she was invited to attend wedding dress shopping at a store where I booked 3 hours, prosecco and goodies for the guests etc a lovely day out.

She declined

Stop pandering to the users that are like your mum. They Exist especially on here. Stop making excuses. You’ve done it all your life. Anyone who truly knows your situation is hateful of your mum. Because you’ve been deprived of maternal love. Deep down a part of you still feel like you need external validation which is why despite the advice from users who understand your lived experience you still communicate with users who self-describe themselves as your mum. You don’t need it. You’re fine. She has already given you a script about not wanting to come. Accept it and enjoy your day without drama. Don’t say anything like making any future plans. Start to let her be part of your past and focus on your future. Grey rocking is something you need to get on with. You’re still searching somewhere for that maternal validation and respect but you will never get it. Focus on your life, children( if you chose to have any), and happy memories you will create. @Katthedog ok?

if you clear your head. And breathe in a meditative state for 10 mins and ask your question….. you will have your own answer