To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

My sleep patterns are shocking. I would not like to be told I was sharing a room with someone else. A bedroom for me is a sanctuary. I can see why your mum wants to be included and have her own room. Is there any other bedroom your bridesmaid could move her bed to so that your mum has a single bed/room?

This

I wouldn't want to share a room with anyone but I guess I would need to find myself alternative accommodation rather than blame everyone else for it as it's my choice. She sounds very difficult though.

People are posting with the expectation that the mother daughter relationship must always be prioritised, guaranteed, and unbreakable because that's their experience but that's not true for every one. You're not close at all and have only recently stopped being estranged.

Overseas wedding is a major undertaking. Many, many opportunities for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. She's angry and resentful she thinks she isn't being prioritised/you feeling frustrated and angry because she doesn't see you're trying hard to compromise last minute.

I think it's maybe too soon for a reconciliation and you could say you respect her wishes to not attend, maybe even see if she's open to joint counselling on your return that's something you can both think about over time.

Many people don't have one/both of their parents at their wedding because the reality is unless there's some cultural expectations, it's about you and your partner, not anyone else.

It sounds like you'd have a much less stressful wedding without her

My mother definitely wouldn't be comfortable sharing a room.

My mother would get a room to herself over another couple who were friends of ours etc. But then i love my mum. I'd not have her sharing a room at my wedding.

But then generally i think weddings abroad (except in the home country of either bride or groom) are selfish on the part of B&G. You basically force everyone else to travel & use more holiday days etc, so that often you can get a cheaper venue and food/nice weather out of season. It just passes cost and inconvenience on to guests and making your own mum share a room to accomodate that is another example.

As you and your mum haven't had the greatest of relationship, there's probably alot of history there. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother - sometimes you choice the battles and just breath/smile and carry on.

If my daugther was getting married and I had to share a room with her chief bridemaid. I'd be worried sharing a room but would embrace if to be part of the wedding party and make special memories.

Congratulations on your wedding.

How practical would it be for her stay elsewhere? If it's very rural, is there anywhere else around? And does she drive for that to work?

I think for most people, they would shut up and make it work for the sake of attending their daughters wedding, BUT I would be pretty uncomfortable sharing a room, and I'm a lot younger than your mum is I expect! So I'd do it, but only if there are no other options.

That said, I wouldn't make it the brides problem... I'd just either pitup and shut up, or find a solution myself and sort it. So I do think she's being more unreasonable than you OP.

It seems that you want to reconcile because you want her there. She is letting you try to reconcile with her, but not compromising much herself!

But the OP hasn't been close to her mother, indeed, only reconciled once venue was booked
The OPs mother sounds very hard work, so lucky you for having a relationship with yours.

Tbh I wouldn't want to go to a wedding where I was sharing a villa with everyone in the middle of nowhere. And nothing against destination weddings, I had one, but the whole villa sharing thing is something I'd hate, I like my private space and freedom to roam.

I certainly wouldn't want to share a room and would never in a million years ask my mum to do so. But then my mum is lovely.

If this were a typical, healthy, loving mother-daughter relationship I'd say you'd behaved really badly tbh. But things are obviously a lot more complicated and that does change things a little. Do you actually want her to come? It's a lot to ask of your bridesmaid too!

I wouldn’t t want to share a room but I also wouldn’t want to go to an overseas wedding.

What a bundle of nuptial joy this post is
Let's have a go at the couple whose day it is because it is inconvenient for me, a potential guest. Not their day. Not their choice. It's all me, me, me...
Charming post

Read the feckin OP!

This.

An unstable mother if you read the OP
I hate tgis 'oh, but it's your mother' breat-beating. Mothers can be roevolting, cruel, hurtful, non-maternal, and a myriad of other non-mother vices. So no, just becausex'she's your mother' doesn't mean one compromises or puts up with shit

So what?

My god the poor OP - you lot have bashed her entirely. Seems everyone on here sees a story about bride and starts screaming bridezilla for no reason.

OP has given her mum lots of options - but her mum just wants her own way which considering she wasn’t even talking to OP when she booked the wedding she’s lucky she’s being considered at all. Just because she’s her mum doesn’t mean she has to bend over backwards for her.

Agree. When I was mother of the bride I didn't realise it made me royalty. I saw myself as there to support my daughter. It wasn't about me, it was her wedding.

My answer would be: “You’re not coming if you have to share a bedroom with the person who is higher up than you in the ceremony*?
Fine, here’s a link to the live streaming on the day.”

*IMO the order of importance in a wedding is:
bride and groom
celebrant
best man and chief bridesmaid
father of the bride
bridesmaids (groomsmen)
mother of the groom
mother of the bride
father of the groom
everybody else.

It’s reasonable for her not to want to share a room. The rest of her behaviour is unreasonable, but I suppose it stems from her discomfort around having to share a room. The villa isn’t big enough if people need to share (obviously aside from couples).

My, my, so many holier than thou PPs here
Do you all spend the morrning polishing your halo and laying small offerings at the feet of your goddess-like perfect mother?

Thinking of friends weddings it seems that if you want to include parents that you have a strained relationship with it inevitably does have to affect plans for the day. I think it's a big ask to have a more complicated set up involving foreign travel and transport around a rural location as well as dealing with a tricky relationship.

I think a lot of us get to a point where room sharing, even with a friend, doesn't feel like an option anymore. If this is a rural location abroad then sleeping somewhere else by herself and relying on taxis can feel really daunting.

While I'm sure that you're DM is a difficult person I do think that you're asking a lot from her with these arrangements. I agree with PP and I think you should be prepared for her to decline.