To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

Read the OPs opening thread!!! She hadn't reconciled with her mum when they booked the wedding!

Call me spoilt if you like, but I wouldn't share. It might not be a big deal to you, and that's fine because we're all different, but I wouldn't be comfortable sharing because I really struggle to sleep with someone else in the room. It would mean that I couldn't sleep at all the night before the wedding, couldn't just relax and do my own thing while getting ready etc, so I would be finding myself somewhere else to stay, personally. And that, in itself, wouldn't be a big deal at all, but I think I would be very hurt by my dd's lack of care and consideration, even though I wouldn't show it. What a way to let your mum know how far down your list of priorities she is!

If I were the mother I'd feel grateful that we were now reconciled, find myself a nice hotel room nearby, and drive to the beach in the morning.

Fair enough, I did somehow miss that bit. Apologies.

In that case mum just needs to book herself somewhere else to stay. It isn't fair on the Chief Bridesmaid either to suddenly stuff an extra guest in her room. Is she nervous about getting a taxi on her own in another country or something?

If she was going to be with a stranger I would understand her being upset. But she has known your friend since 3 years old and it’s a chance to see her daughter get married. I don’t get it. And the beach thing 😂

I don’t get everyone saying they wouldn’t share a room - why are you so rigid and inflexible? It’s one night for a big event.

OP don’t give her another thought.

I've known one of my dd's friends since they were both 3 and I love her to bits but I wouldn't share a room with her. Maybe I am rigid and inflexible but I struggle with sleep as it is (adhd!) and I wouldn't be able to sleep at all if I shared a room. And I wouldn't want to go through my dd's wedding feeling utterly exhausted!

That said, in this situation, I would just find a hotel and suck it up!

I wouldn't want to share a room with the mum of one of my friends, even if I'd known her since I was 3.

I'd probably suck it up for one night for the wedding of my child/closest friend. But definitely not for an extended wedding party.

If you know she is difficult anyway, then I think you could have anticipated that.

How long are you expecting the guests to stay for? Is there anywhere else in the village that "spill over" guests can stay? Are there any aunts/uncles/cousins etc coming that she could stay and travel to the day with? If she wants to wake up by the beach, suggest she gets a hotel near the beach and gets taxi to and from the wedding. Perhaps staying in the house for that one night.

But ultimately, if that is where you are getting married and there's really no other couple you could move out then don't rearrange everything to suit someone who may well instigate another falling out between now and the wedding anyway.

This. I wouldn’t want to share a room either. 🤷‍♀️

Yes, of course a mum will often do anything to support their child and often to their own detriment, but it’s clear that many adult DC take their parents completely for granted. Sounds like this parent has had enough?

I can’t imagine expecting my mum to share a room with a non relative at my wedding. That’s seems unbelievably thoughtless.

“Oh it’s only my mum, she’ll do what I ask of her so I don’t need to consider her feelings.”

I don't think adults should be asked to share. Unless they volunteer.

I wouldn't want to share a room particularly with someone young enough to be my daughter, bit different if it was a friend my own age. I'd be perfectly happy to stay elsewhere, I'd probably prefer it as I like time with other people but I do like some quiet time to myself in the evening.

It is hard to judge what other people should feel comfortable with.

You are not being at all selfish and your mum is being really difficult and unreasonable but you could 1. See if there's a small lovely hotel nearby she could stay in and see if it has taxis that you can arrange to get back and forth or 2 ask her if she'd like you to book her a room by the sea also with taxis. Give her concrete alternatives. If there's no room in the villa there's no room in the villa.
If it really matters to you not to Jane a rift would another couple staying in the villa agree to instead by put up for they duration by the sea? They might like it? Maybe your mum could chip in ti accommodate them?

I would tell her she has a room to herself. Remove that drama and wait for the next issue to crop up.

You were estranged and reconciled because you wanted to not because things had changed.

If by some miracle she turns up at the villa for the wedding then tell her she's sharing and you're really sorry.
Odds on some other crisis will appear to stop her coming or being happy for you.

If it really matters to you not to habe a rift would another couple staying in the villa agree to instead swap for a hotel room ten minutes away up by the sea? They might like it? Maybe your mum could chip in for the extra cost to accommodate them?

I don't just go to my room to sleep. I need some quiet time to myself, I just don't want to be there for several days with no private space. There is also a difference between sharing with a friend and sharing with your daughter's friend.

Considering they were not even talking when she booked her wedding I should imagine she didn't factor her in at all and why should she

Have you read the OP whereby they had not talked for MONTHS before the wedding was booked and they have a difficult relationship at the best of times? Sure, if they had a great relationship then I’m sure OP would have been thinking of her mum first and foremost. However, for those of us not that fortunate and who have selfish narcissists for mothers, who you haven’t spoken to for months, then no, booking her a private room would not be high on the list. Not least because no doubt something would arise closer to the date and the room would end up vacant; well it would with my mother. She tried to make everything about her then got shit faced, made a play for my dad in front of my step mum (mum had an affair and kicked him out 20yrs previously) then fell up the stairs 🫣

Is there another relative not yet invited or an old family friend of your mum's you can invite with a 2 bed apartment on the beach and a taxi to/from the venue? Call it 'the posh apartment by the beach' and surely job done?

Also she probably wants to feel special as she's ... your mum. And sharing may make her feel that you don't value her. So for that reason I can understand her point of view

Yes ..you plan a wedding with the most important people in your life in mind .
The fact you left her to last says everything about how you feel about her .
But your relationship could be awful,and maybe she is the last person you'd ever want there

I would not engage any further. You've given her an option, albeit crap for your friend having to share with your mother in this mood, she may decline and make alternative arrangements if she wishes.

Yeah, I had missed that part somehow.

Even so, I wouldn't expect the mother to share in that scenario. I'd have explained that everything was already booked and that there wasn't space, and suggest a hotel where she could stay instead.

It’s your wedding. I’d sleep anywhere to attend my child’s wedding.
just write her off and carry on being excited. She honestly sounds like she’d make the whole event stressful and all about what she wants. Just leave her out and say that’s a shame. You’d be happy to meet for a meal with her to show photos etc when you get back.

Under the circumstances it's fine. I'm guessing that there's always a lot of drama surrounding your mum. You've asked, she's declined. Balls in her court.

I can understand your mother not wanting to share a room, or be on her own each night. I don’t think she is unreasonable about that. Though she is about the location. But you are not unreasonable either. If there really is no way your mother can have a room to herself then there is really nothing to be done about it. Can she get a taxi just for the day?