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Original poster

Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

231 replies

Derbyderby · 15/09/2024 20:54

Bit nervous but here goes…
We have three daughters 22, 19 and 16. The eldest has moved with her boyfriend to a lovely rented flat. We have a four bedroomed house, the fourth bedroom being a box room which is currently home to our youngest. She really wants to move into her sisters bedroom which is absolutely understandable but I am finding it difficult to broach the subject with our eldest. Bit of background information - our eldest has suffered from crippling anxiety and an eating disorder in the past, although she’s much better the anxiety is still a problem and also how she sees herself. Also when she was diagnosed the consultant said she also suspected that she is on the autism spectrum. She doesn’t really get on with her younger sisters which is very upsetting. She is very quiet and her sisters are the opposite. She has a lovely boyfriend and has come on a lot but I know if I tell her about the possibility of putting her sister in her room she will take that as she’s being pushed away. She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend. I know really she shouldn’t be upset and she decided to move out to be with her boyfriend but still I am worried, but that’s not fair on her sister having a tiny bedroom when there’s an empty big room next door. Is this the part where I ask if I’m being unreasonable?!!! I don’t post very much at all!!

OP posts:
AGirlInACountrySong · 15/09/2024 20:59

Her sister should have the room...she's moved out!!

Just tell her

DinosaurMunch · 15/09/2024 20:59

Tricky one. Is there room for a double bed in the box room or would it mean older sister can't stay over with boyfriend any more?

I think it's fairest to give younger sister the bigger room. Presumably older sister has had the big room for years so it's fair the other gets a turn. Can you explain to older sister that it's about practicality, she's always welcome to move back home or visit any time etc.

SometimesCalmPerson · 15/09/2024 21:01

If she’s still using the room weekly, she hasn’t really moved out.

greenwoodentablelegs · 15/09/2024 21:02

Tricky but I think the younger sister should have the room.

otherwise seems very unfair.

Magenta65 · 15/09/2024 21:03

I’ll be honest…they need to stop staying over, and if she needs to stay over whilst BF is as work then she stays in the box room. They’ve decided to
move out and start a home together so you need to make the break now. I’d explain she can have the box room if she needs to stay over however no more bf sleeping over (assuming you can’t fit a double bed) and that the expectation is they go home after visiting. You can’t keep a big room empty just in case

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 15/09/2024 21:03

The 16 year old lives there permanently, do you not love her as much? Doesn't she deserve to have some space and enjoyment of a proper bedroom for a few years before she moves out or is the oldest always going to be your priority?

DoreenonTill8 · 15/09/2024 21:06

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 15/09/2024 21:03

The 16 year old lives there permanently, do you not love her as much? Doesn't she deserve to have some space and enjoyment of a proper bedroom for a few years before she moves out or is the oldest always going to be your priority?

This, why are you so concerned about not upsetting the daughter who has a whole other home somewhere, that you're making it clear the daughter who lives there full time that she's a lesser being?

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 21:07

If she comes home a few times a week and she also stays over at the weekend then it sounds like the bedroom is probably getting as much or more use than you would expect if she still lived there. Given how much she is home and that she is likely autistic, as well as suffering with anxiety and recovering from an eating disorder, I wouldn’t make any changes yet.

HoppityBun · 15/09/2024 21:09

Could you discuss it with them?

Abracadabra12345 · 15/09/2024 21:10

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 21:07

If she comes home a few times a week and she also stays over at the weekend then it sounds like the bedroom is probably getting as much or more use than you would expect if she still lived there. Given how much she is home and that she is likely autistic, as well as suffering with anxiety and recovering from an eating disorder, I wouldn’t make any changes yet.

I agree with this

Procrastinates · 15/09/2024 21:12

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 15/09/2024 21:03

The 16 year old lives there permanently, do you not love her as much? Doesn't she deserve to have some space and enjoyment of a proper bedroom for a few years before she moves out or is the oldest always going to be your priority?

Agreed. I mean the poor kid got the small room just because she was the youngest but now even though her sister has moved out she's stuck in the box room.

Your eldest daughter doesn't have to like it but she doesn't live there any more so honestly she doesn't get any say in the matter.

Penguinmouse · 15/09/2024 21:13

Has she actually moved out because it sounds like she’s staying at yours a lot. However your youngest lives there permanently and it would be annoying to just have the other room left empty whilst she has to be in a box room. YANBU to switch rooms and just be clear that there is always room for her at your house but that it is now in a different room.

armadillio · 15/09/2024 21:14

Sounds like the eldest has you all walking on eggshells. My sister was the same, we had to be really careful because she so ‘sensitive’ and she was allowed her own way in everything.

She’s moved out, she should not be able to hog a room.

DoreenonTill8 · 15/09/2024 21:15

Why does the dp have to come over as well? If she came on her own the boxroom would be fine wouldn't it? Neither she or you could honestly argue it isn't while simultaneously saying its fine for the 16yo to live in permanently without acknowledgement you're treating them differently.

Floralnomad · 15/09/2024 21:15

I’d leave things for now as it sounds like she has only half moved out , start discouraging them from staying over at weekends and revisit it later when you know she is definitely properly moved out .

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 15/09/2024 21:15

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 21:07

If she comes home a few times a week and she also stays over at the weekend then it sounds like the bedroom is probably getting as much or more use than you would expect if she still lived there. Given how much she is home and that she is likely autistic, as well as suffering with anxiety and recovering from an eating disorder, I wouldn’t make any changes yet.

How long does she get to have everything her way? It's not the 16 year olds fault she is the youngest. The oldest moved out. She doesn't get to keep the biggest room as well just so she can stay over at the weekend, they can stay in the box room if they must stay. It doesn't sound like she moved out two weeks ago, it's been a while or there wouldn't be a a pattern of "usually" stay over at the weekend.

Cheepcheepcheep · 15/09/2024 21:15

Middle DC has the big room. Eldest DC gets the middle room. Younger DC has her current box room until Middle DC moves out?

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 15/09/2024 21:17

Why do they stay at the weekends? How many nights a week is she staying at yours whilst her bf works? It is it just popping in then?

How it worked in our family is eldest went to uni, youngest took over his room, box room was turned in to the eldest's room for uni breaks etc - so still very, very welcome and still absolutely his home, but the biggest room wasn't going to sit there empty.

Obviously there is more at play in your situation, surely a chat could be had though?

FawnFrenchieMum · 15/09/2024 21:17

Cheepcheepcheep · 15/09/2024 21:15

Middle DC has the big room. Eldest DC gets the middle room. Younger DC has her current box room until Middle DC moves out?

That would be a pain - redoing all three rooms instead of just two.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 15/09/2024 21:17

Cheepcheepcheep · 15/09/2024 21:15

Middle DC has the big room. Eldest DC gets the middle room. Younger DC has her current box room until Middle DC moves out?

Youngest child is the lesser child. Permanently.

NissanNancy · 15/09/2024 21:18

I think as she is still using the room regularly, I wouldn’t be making any changes any time soon (particularly given she has a fragile mental state and a history of an Eating disorder). I might think differently if the youngest was sharing but she already has a room to herself so she’s hardly in the trenches is she?

Procrastinates · 15/09/2024 21:18

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 15/09/2024 21:17

Youngest child is the lesser child. Permanently.

Show quote history

It certainly seems that way doesn't it? I don't get the logic of this idea at all??

DoreenonTill8 · 15/09/2024 21:19

Cheepcheepcheep · 15/09/2024 21:15

Middle DC has the big room. Eldest DC gets the middle room. Younger DC has her current box room until Middle DC moves out?

Why should eldest still get a bigger room than the 16yo? Great way to again say 'you're lesser than Golden One, --who we're walking on eggshells around'.

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 21:19

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 15/09/2024 21:15

How long does she get to have everything her way? It's not the 16 year olds fault she is the youngest. The oldest moved out. She doesn't get to keep the biggest room as well just so she can stay over at the weekend, they can stay in the box room if they must stay. It doesn't sound like she moved out two weeks ago, it's been a while or there wouldn't be a a pattern of "usually" stay over at the weekend.

Show quote history

But a few times a week suggests more than a couple, so I read it as three times a week. Then she stays over at the weekend as well which is two nights. So if she sleeps there five nights a week, that’s more than half the week and most 22 year olds with boyfriend will stay over at their partner’s place half the week which means she is there more than you’d expect if she still lived there.

DanceMumTaxi · 15/09/2024 21:19

Well she’s chosen to move out, you didn’t make her, so her sister should get the bigger room. You can’t all keep walking on eggshells around her. She’s got her own place now, which was her choice. It’s really not fair to keep your youngest in the tiny room just because her sister wants to stay on a weekend.