Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

[Derbyderby]

Bit nervous but here goes…
We have three daughters 22, 19 and 16. The eldest has moved with her boyfriend to a lovely rented flat. We have a four bedroomed house, the fourth bedroom being a box room which is currently home to our youngest. She really wants to move into her sisters bedroom which is absolutely understandable but I am finding it difficult to broach the subject with our eldest. Bit of background information - our eldest has suffered from crippling anxiety and an eating disorder in the past, although she’s much better the anxiety is still a problem and also how she sees herself. Also when she was diagnosed the consultant said she also suspected that she is on the autism spectrum. She doesn’t really get on with her younger sisters which is very upsetting. She is very quiet and her sisters are the opposite. She has a lovely boyfriend and has come on a lot but I know if I tell her about the possibility of putting her sister in her room she will take that as she’s being pushed away. She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend. I know really she shouldn’t be upset and she decided to move out to be with her boyfriend but still I am worried, but that’s not fair on her sister having a tiny bedroom when there’s an empty big room next door. Is this the part where I ask if I’m being unreasonable?!!! I don’t post very much at all!!

Yeah we’re doing this. When dd1 pushes off travelling dd2 will have her room. Grossly unfair to leave the best room dormant while younger one lived there full time. Unless you are Henry 8th in Tudor times or something and firmly support primogeniture. Younger siblings matter too.

The problems with that option are manifold. The DD hasn’t moved out quite yet, and is still spending most of her time at home. The DD is vulnerable in that she is recovering from an eating disorder, has anxiety and likely autism. Their trifecta mean a high risk of rejection sensitivity meaning that the usual swap rooms might cause a lot of mental distress in the DD due to her conditions-especially if done prematurely before she has actually moved out. In addition, young women with these conditions need more time and to go slower with serious relationships. It is not wise to hothouse a relationship by pressuring her to move in full time with a boyfriend before she is ready.

In addition, the OP needs to think outside the box. There must be some other option to get her youngest more space other than this.

Our youngest has recently moved into his brother’s bigger room. But his brother is happy with the arrangement, stays the night very sporadically only and has properly moved out.

I wouldn’t do it just yet, OP. Sounds like it would not be the right thing to do just now.

I understand your anxiety but you are not being unreasonable. If you make clear to the eldest that the box room is hers whenever she wants to use it she will know there’s always a safe place to fall.

I would give the bigger room to the child that actually lives with you. And make a nice guest bedroom for the box room that she is welcome to stay in any time. Will it fit a double bed?

This OP.
Give the bedroom to the youngest daughter.
The eldest has already had it more than the youngest likely will.

I'd agree with this too.

I'm surprised that eldest daughter can afford rent for her own flat and rent at OP's home/

Give the younger dd the bedroom. Your eldest dd has moved out so it should become the next oldest room. I wouldn’t feel guilty tbh, I did this when my ds moved out and now I’m in the process of doing it again with my eldest dd.

shes has graduated and moved away with her boyfriend, she’s also asd. Dd2 has been in our dining room for years after turning it into a bedroom ten years ago and now it’s her turn for an upstairs bedroom. It was dd1 room whilst she was at uni and I always said that until she graduates and moves out then it was still hers. If she had come home to live after uni then it still would have hers.

your eldest can have a bed in the box room. I can’t do that as my dd3 is in there but I’m getting a sofa bed for the dining room when I redecorate.

its a right of passage to adulthood I think.
i do get a pang when I walk into her old room as I miss her but dd2 really needs the room and to be upstairs.

edited to add, about your dds problems, I do get that change could have a detrimental effect actually, looking back I think that’s why I’d didn’t swap dd1 into the dining room much to dd2 disgust but I think it would have sent dd1 over the edge. Any change you make would have to be gradual so she gets used to the idea of having a smaller room in the box.

Surely because logging into MN and getting this onslaught is unsettling.

The replies on here are never polite. Just look at yours, if you spoke to me - a stranger like that in real life I'd be shocked! Of course not only you, and I've been guilty of it in the past myself, it's the whole of MNetters

Give your youngest the room.
When my eldest went to uni we kept her room nice for her for when she came home during summer and Christmas . She claimed she would be traumatised if we gave her room to her sister.
Like the loyal/proud parents we are - we did as she asked.
Her room was empty for three years and her younger sister had the box room.
It was like a shrine - in hindsight we should have let her sister have it.
It seemed like a nice thing to do at the time but looking back it really wasn’t .. poor DD3 🙁

The issue is that, at the risk of stating the obvious, all of the children have needs. All the time that you centre the eldest's needs and feelings, you are automatically putting the others in their place; because big sister could get upset that her (now largely-vacated) room is not being kept for her regardless, you are giving the younger ones the clear message that they are never worthy of having a turn for the best.

I know it's not usually used in this context, but I'm very much reminded here of the phrase "When you're naturally used to privilege, equality will seem like oppression". Except that, here, it is nowhere near equality, as the eldest will never have not had the best, whilst the younger ones are now only potentially getting it for their last two or three years at home, having had to put up with less for almost their whole childhoods.

It seems to make perfect sense for the eldest to originally get the best available, as there is obviously a period when they are the only child; but there's absolutely no justification as to why they should then keep it permanently, just as a 'reward' for having been born a little before their siblings.

You have 3 daughters

Give the youngest some love and give her the room

If I was your 16 year old DD I would hate you for making me stay in the shitty box room when there's a nice big room up for grabs

It's just life

put DD 16 first for a change

We had similar, when eldest moved out youngest got her room.

We bought a small double bed for the box room. And some shelves. She stays there with her boyfriend when they visit.

They have just bought a house so we are taking the leap and turning it into an office but will get an airbed first when they stop.

I'm surprised the 16yo hasn't taken matters into her own hands and moved herself into the big room.

Older sister's struggles shouldn't mean that the younger sister's needs are ignored.
She is too old to be in a box room if there's another option.

You obviously care about older sister's emotions, but younger sister will resent you long term and feel she hasn't been given equal care and opportunities within the household.

Older sister can have the box room when she stays

I'd wait 2 years then the problem will resolve itself - youngest will move out & you'll have 2 empty bedrooms

She has moved out she is not a child the back story is irrelevant and I don't see why the youngest has to put up with it

I agree with comments suggesting to give the youngest the room.

I read a lot of comments that struck a cord with me, especially the ones that say they missed out because of being youngest. Same here. I got the smallest room and old furniture while my siblings got bigger rooms and all new furniture.

I was always the black sheep though!

Let the youngest have the room if you want but make sure you do a clear swop and make the box room into a room for the eldest (not just a spare room, decorated for her). Tell your eldest it is all about space but that the box room is hers to use as much or as little as she likes.

My younger sibling took my room when I moved out. It was one of the reasons I stayed in a failing relationship much longer than I should have as I didn’t feel like I had a place in the family home to return to. You think you know it all at 22, but you really don’t.

My kids will always have a room in my home to come back to.

I think it would be less detrimental to the youngest dd to stay in her box room than it would be to take away the eldest’s current bedroom and giving her the option of having the box room as a guest. She clearly hasn’t fully transitioned to moving out full time and she has autism. A gradual transition for eldest dd is not unfair on the younger dc. When they are considering moving out they can have a gradual transition too without losing their bedroom that they are familiar with.

FWIW I had the smallest bedroom, it was tiny. I didn’t get a bigger bedroom until I moved out. I don’t have any long lasting negative feelings or resentment at all. My sibling always got the best and biggest room. So what? And life doesn’t cater to our ideas of what is fair. That’s life, get over it.

Why not show the youngest daughter that she matters to you as much as the eldest and that her feelings are just as important and let her have the room?

This, why should things centre on what's best for the eldest?

I agree with this.

I would wait a little while but lay the groundwork verbally and sensitively for the eldest as the weeks go by.

It is only fair that the youngest feels equaly valued and IME its the natural order of things. The youngest gets the smallest room on the understanding that they move into the biggest when the eldest moves out.

But it's really important the eldest doesn't feel pushed out at the same time.

Hopefully, by, say, Christmas, the eldest (or at least her boyfrined) won't want to be stopping at the OP's every weekend.