Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

[Derbyderby]

Bit nervous but here goes…
We have three daughters 22, 19 and 16. The eldest has moved with her boyfriend to a lovely rented flat. We have a four bedroomed house, the fourth bedroom being a box room which is currently home to our youngest. She really wants to move into her sisters bedroom which is absolutely understandable but I am finding it difficult to broach the subject with our eldest. Bit of background information - our eldest has suffered from crippling anxiety and an eating disorder in the past, although she’s much better the anxiety is still a problem and also how she sees herself. Also when she was diagnosed the consultant said she also suspected that she is on the autism spectrum. She doesn’t really get on with her younger sisters which is very upsetting. She is very quiet and her sisters are the opposite. She has a lovely boyfriend and has come on a lot but I know if I tell her about the possibility of putting her sister in her room she will take that as she’s being pushed away. She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend. I know really she shouldn’t be upset and she decided to move out to be with her boyfriend but still I am worried, but that’s not fair on her sister having a tiny bedroom when there’s an empty big room next door. Is this the part where I ask if I’m being unreasonable?!!! I don’t post very much at all!!

I agree

My brothers swapped bedrooms when the older one went to uni - the younger brother called the older one and they sorted it out between them. So maybe better coming from her sister than you? Depending how close they are

OP said “The eldest has moved with her boyfriend to a lovely rented flat” meaning they have rented a flat together. She’s not just staying over at her boyfriend’s house a couple of days a week.

She's got her own home, she doesn't get to keep the biggest room in her parents' house as well as that. It's grossly unfair to not swap her with the younger sister.

She might actually live in her own home a bit more if she's a touch less comfortable in the box room than in the big bedroom. As for staying over with the BF on weekends - wtf? What did they even move in together for?

@DaniMontyRae
The exact # can be read different ways, to be sure, but even if it is just the weekends, she is still not moved out and not living full time with her boyfriend.

I would never hurry along a relationship between my DD and a boyfriend. No young woman, especially one that is vulnerable due to an eating disorder and autism, should be pushed into living full time with a man by having their room in their home given away. She is coming home a few days a week plus weekends because she still needs to be living at home part time.

It doesn’t have to be a choice of eldest or youngest, there must be another option to get the youngest out of the box room. Every 4 bed house I have seen has a dining room, or a second reception room, or a garage/loft that can be converted.

This. And perhaps address the matter abit further along

further down the OP also says
She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend.

You can rent a place ‘together’ and not live there most or all of the time by contributing to the rent.

My son moved out of the box room and in with his girlfriend to rented accommodation on a Saturday. He was 26. My 2 daughters then aged 20 and 16 have always shared but their bedroom was large enough for 2 double beds and 2 x 3 door wardrobes, bedside cabinets and drawers with tv on, and a desk...so quite large. My son didn't have anxiety or any personal issues, granted, but my eldest daughter had her stuff in the box room by the Sunday afternoon! Of course if he ever needed to come back we would work something out but the DD was in like a shot!

And you have no concern that she may be coming home during the week and every weekend because she may not be that comfortable being alone with boyfriend just yet? Do you think that is a wise thing for a parent to hothouse their relationship? No concern on how it may go tits up?

You're not being unreasonable @Derbyderby but your oldest daughter is if she thinks she gets to have everything her way, and I think you know it.

You need to do the right thing for both of your daughters. Give the youngest the space she deserves, and help your oldest to launch by making sure she knows shes always welcome, theres always space and not all change is bad.

Dont be held to ransom. And you never know. She may surprise you.

@SummerFeverVenice

then she can make herself at home in the box room

@SummerFeverVenice

thrres no suggestion she's not comfortable being alone with the boyfriend🙄

nust that she doesn't like being home alone when he's working in the evening.night & they enjoy being at her parents some weekends.

stop making up scenarios.

I spent about 6 months sharing a single bed with a boyfriend in my 20s. They will be fine!

100% exactly what happens, youngest gets the room.
Announce it like it’s 100% normal no apologies, no I’m sorry.

Respectful move of eldest stuff into new room.

Big sis should be giving this room with glee.

I have just gone through this very thing.
He was appalled that his huge room was not being kept as a shrine to him.
The swap over happened when he was on an 8 week holiday.
He tried to be appalled when he returned but I wasn't having it.
We did a lovely swap with great care and set him up in his new room for when he comes home to visit.
He too is definitely on the spectrum and doesn't like change.
It all settled down quickly though and he has moved out.
We dramatically changed his old bedroom so it doesn't resemble what it looked like at all.
I would suggest a complete make over with a different colour scheme.
Things change.
She has moved out.
A family cannot be held hostage by the anxiety of one child.

My sister was moving her stuff in my room before I was off the drive. It’s all part of growing up.

It was suggested seriously to OP
She might actually live in her own home a bit more if she's a touch less comfortable…

So, I responded to that train of thought to its logical conclusion. If OP makes her DD less welcome and less comfortable at home, forcing her DD to move in fully with boyfriend, then where DD stays is based on comfort.

If this is true, then would not the DD being at OP’s home so often not correlate to lack of comfort at the boyfriend’s flat? Using that poster’s logic.

My eldest has moved out, actually she’s staying with her boyfriend at his parents house while they save up for their own place (just graduated and started jobs, not yet been paid for a full month). My youngest has has moved into her room. I am going to decorate the little room. I just told her I was downsizing her shrine!

In our family it was two girls, one boy, 3 beds.
My sis was 5 years older than me.
Brother moved out but instead of giving sister the spare room, they turned it into an office for dad - even though his office was less than 10 minutes away.
My poor sister.
It’s hard to be fair to everybody but sometimes there are glaring exceptions.

stop making up scenarios.
@Just4thisthreadtoday

I think that applies to you more than I. After all you changed the OP facts from
She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend.

to this
she doesn't like being home alone when he's working in the evening.night & they enjoy being at her parents some weekends

Spot the (made up) differences.

She could have the box room, I don't think many if any are suggesting OP barricades the doors and bans her from ever going over.

Talk to your eldest dc x

I gave my room to younger brother when I moved out. I moved back home a few times (with boyf now DH at times) took another room. She has moved out, don’t keep her room as a kind of shrine. Move the sister.

They aren't at all close, as already mentioned by OP - "She doesn’t really get on with her younger sisters which is very upsetting. She is very quiet and her sisters are the opposite"

It's already very unfair on the younger children, even when the best bedroom is 'passed down', as the age overlap is likely to be small.

For argument's sake, if there are three children, each two years apart, and they all move out at 18, that means that the eldest gets the best bedroom for their entire time at home, whilst the others only get it for two years.

It's extremely selfish to expect to still keep the best bedroom once you've moved out; you should be very glad that you already got it for (say) 18 years, when the others will each only get it for two years.